Month: April 2013

And the seventh week is here…

I’m feeling much better this morning than I was yesterday. I don’t know what happened, but I’m not complaining. 🙂 After work yesterday, I grabbed a couple of drinks on the patio at the Brewhouse; it was so beautiful outside and it felt good just to sit in the sun reading the latest New Yorker. After, I went to hang out some with M & M, and got home around 9:45ish. It was a very pleasant evening, all things considered.

M & M were our gaming buddies, and Mar made me some earrings using two blue Carcassonne meeples (Matt’s color was invariably blue when we gamed) and two brown Puerto Rico settlers. I wish that Power Grid had more interesting pieces, since it was his most recent favorite game. I have a million memories of playing Carcassonne and Puerto Rico with Matt though, and I really like the earrings. These pieces have been touched by Matt so many times; somehow that’s significant, even though he’s touched a lot of my things (and me).

earrings

I need to be crafting more, I’ve decided. It would be good for me to start and maintain an Etsy shop, I think. It would probably be gratifying, anyway, and it’s not like I enjoy making stuff or anything…. I’ve also been brainstorming some quilt ideas – I’m planning on using Matt’s clothes to make a quilt, and I think I might make it chess themed. I still need to finish the feather quilt that I started last summer though, so I have plenty of time to brainstorm (and to prepare myself mentally for cutting up all his clothes). Making things can be so therapeutic, and I know that I’ll eventually be glad to be able to snuggle up with his clothes, even though he won’t be inside them. I guess I’ll take what I can get. And I don’t think this is me holding onto the past; it feels more like me letting go of the past while acknowledging that it will always be inside me.

Anyway, this post feels rambly so I’ll stop.

Six weeks and six days

I woke up this morning feeling so sad. Another day at work. Another day without Matt. Another day for me to learn how to deal with with my new life without Matt in it. The days passing is a good thing, I know, because time heals. I’m trying to be as positive as possible, but that really only goes so far.

Been listening to Matt’s CDs the last couple of days – mostly the mixed ones that he made for us. I’m sure that doesn’t help with my sadness, but it also makes me feel a little more connected to Matt. I don’t know if that makes me feel better or worse, since Matt is dead and I can’t really be connected to him…ever…again.

I just still wish that I could DO something. I know that I can’t, and sometimes I feel more peaceful and/or resigned to that than other times, but I haven’t been able to completely shake it yet. If only I could go back in time…even though that probably wouldn’t help or change anything in the long term. Who knows. And it doesn’t matter anyway. I just still have this huge wound that hasn’t completely scabbed over yet. I miss my husband so horribly much. I think that writing about it helps me feel like I AM doing something, somehow, insufficient as it may be.

I think I might be getting tired of being around people so frequently. I’m surprised that it’s just now hitting me, actually. This introversion is maybe one reason that I woke up feeling so depressed this morning – because being around Matt never made me tired. Other people require more conversation and engagement, but it didn’t matter with Matt. I have a couple of other friends who are this way too, but I can’t snuggle with them or kiss their faces.

**************sigh***************

I hope today gets better.

in reference to an earlier post,

I read this today in Without —

                               The year of days

              without you and your body swept by

               as quick as an afternoon;

               but each afternoon took a year.

 

After one or two vodka tonics, sorry….

So today didn’t turn out quite so happily as I wanted it to.  I drove Ryan out to pick up his kids, and dropped them off at his mom’s house.  I came home and took a shower and all that, and ended up going out to the Brewhouse by myself.  I have always considered going to a bar by yourself to be something that only alcoholics do, but I was so lonely and didn’t want to spend the evening on the couch watching TV.  I didn’t go to Cafe Coco because I wanted to talk to people, and whenever I’ve gone there it’s always been to read or write – the people who decide to strike up a conversation are always just a bonus.  I know that people go to bars to not be alone, so I figured that at least one person there would be willing to talk to me, and for all I know it could be interesting.

So I went, and did meet a couple of people.  I asked one person what his “story” was (probably because he reminded me a little of Joel), and he didn’t really know how to answer that.  I told him that I just meant for him to tell me what the biggest milestones in his life have been (he had at least 20 years on me).  He still didn’t have much to say.  I related that after I moved to Nashville for college, I had given up a baby for adoption and my husband committed suicide 6 weeks ago.  He was…I guess kind of dumbfounded.  He said that in his 50+ years, nothing so dramatic had ever happened.

I told him that I envied him.  What I really meant is that he was lucky.  

These kind of life events don’t happen to everyone.  I know.  But when I tell people – because I do, because both of those things have been defining parts of my life – I don’t want them to pity me and be awkward.  “It is what it is,” as Ryan is so fond of saying.  It’s true.  The BEST that I can make of the situation — AND I MEAN THE BEST — is to learn and to grow as a person.  There will be other details that I discover down the road, but at this point, that is what I have learned.  

I’m interested in seeing how I change because of all of this.  I know I changed after Sarah was born (and, honestly, that’s probably the only reason Matt liked me enough to move in and eventually marry me).  I will never be the person I was on February 20, 2013.  That person died with Matt, and this is almost comforting to put into words.  

I miss him so much.  I can’t put THAT into words.  I doubt that it would help if I could.  

TGIF…

Here’s what I did yesterday.

I got up and took a shower and went to work.

I went to appointment #2 with my therapist. We talked, she read my journal entries since last week, and she told me that she really thinks I’m doing just as well as I can be and that I am amazing. It’s nice to hear that from a professional who knows a whole lot more about psychology than I do. I left feeling relatively good.

I went home after work, started a load of laundry, changed into some jeans, gave the cats some treats, and then went to Kien Giang with Ryan and Cathy.

After dinner (which was good), we went to McKays where I totally splurged and bought the Sex and the City box set for way too much money (but a lot less than I have almost paid for it several times at Target…). I also got a book by A M Homes, This Book Will Save Your Life, and Ryan got me a copy of Childhood’s end by Arthur C Clarke.

After McKays, dropped Cathy off at her car and then Ryan off at his car, and went home. Read some poetry. Cried. Looked at Reddit. Put my clothes in the dryer and then folded them. Watched some TV. Went to sleep.

All in all, it was not a bad day. I had a good time with Cathy and Ryan, and my meeting with my therapist was somewhat gratifying. I’m realizing and remembering that my life is going to be full of missing Matt for a long time/forever, but that doesn’t have to stop me from enjoying things. Missing him all the time certainly makes it harder for me to have a good time, but his absence does not preclude my pleasure. Not necessarily, anyway. Life comes before death. I am still alive, regardless of my feelings on the subject.

I am continuing to be amazed by the poems in Without. I might share some more – or at least stanzas – at some point.

Six weeks now.

Six weeks sounds a lot shorter to me than it feels. These have been the longest 42 days of my life. Does anyone else feel this way, or is it just me? I feel like it’s been months and months since I kissed Matt for the last time.

I still feel lost, but maybe not quite as lost – at least not all of the time. I hate hate HATE all of this but I’m still hanging on and not giving up. It’s a constant fight and I do feel bitter towards Matt sometimes for making me go through this. But I can’t stay mad at him for long. I never could.

and he died six weeks ago

My husband (his name was Matt) was the only other person I’ve let read this blog. He’s gone now – stuck a gun in his mouth and blew his brains out – and I’m again blogging for myself because I need to get it out but am starting to feel so repetitive and annoying on my other blog.

People are such a let down. Matt let me down. My friends and family have stopped calling and writing. Matt’s family seems to have gone back to normal – except his brother (bless him). I’m sure Matt’s parents don’t feel normal yet, and I know them well enough to know that I shouldn’t expect them to always reach out to me. But… I am still reeling from this sudden and 100% unwelcome life change, and I am nowhere near back to “normal.” I don’t think “normal” will ever be the same for me, anyway. Lately I spend the evenings drinking with Ryan, or watching TV, which is typical enough but not nearly as enjoyable as it used to be. I get restless and lonely, even with Ryan sitting on the other couch. I crave human contact. I hate only having the cats and my blankets to keep me warm.

My LIFE WAS MATT. Maybe it shouldn’t have been…but I did everything with and for him, pretty much. I did a lot for me because he didn’t care (e.g. cleaning the house), but he was always around to keep me company and remind me that he loved me. I was so happy with him. Maybe I acted foolishly, I don’t know; I do know that I don’t regret any of my time spent with Matt. All I regret is not being able to spend more time with him.

I miss him just as much as I did 6 weeks ago (OK, 5 weeks and 6 days). I feel like a broken record, which I probably shouldn’t let affect me, but it has been anyway. I know I’m surviving, I’m healing, I’m still alive and moving every day. I can’t believe that’s the most positive thing that I can come up with right now.

Basically, just feeling sorry for myself

Five weeks and 6 days, in case anyone hasn’t been counting obsessively. And I’m just feeling sorry for myself today. Maybe that’s bad. I don’t know. Some days I do a good job of accepting my new fucking life, but other days (like right now) it’s much harder. This could very well have something to do with the fact that I just read over my paper journal this morning (it’s not fun to read). Or that I have another counselling appointment tomorrow. Or that tomorrow will be 6 weeks. But I don’t need to come up with a reason because the real reason is that my husband is dead and never coming back to me.

I want to figure out what I want to start DOING with my spare time. Lately I’ve been primarily hanging out with Ryan, which is awesome, but I keep wanting to get used to that which can’t be good. Because Ryan is not Matt, and I am not allowed to treat them the same at all, much as I want to. It’s so comfortable and familiar for me to be on the one couch watching something on the computer or sewing or whatever, and for Ryan to be on the loveseat playing Skyrim. I am in no way or sense complaining – I’m very thankful for it actually. But I feel like I ought to be finding other things to do. I’ll have to eventually anyway; I assume Ryan will quit wanting to hang out with me all the time. Before, I went to coffee shops and read and smoked cigarettes. I guess I can still do those things (minus the cigarettes preferably). Maybe I should. I’ve been meaning to start reading more again. Most of my memories of Cafe Coco are not shared with Matt, so obviously I would miss him but I don’t really associate that place with Matt.

Speaking of places I associate with Matt, I haven’t been to Aldi in over 6 weeks. I had to sit for several minutes at the traffic light at American and Charlotte yesterday, and I almost started crying because I couldn’t stop thinking of all the time we spent together at Aldi. I rarely went there by myself. I don’t know when/if I’ll go back.

I feel like I’m back to being a freshman in college almost. New life, new circumstances to become accustomed to, plus I have to start making new friends again. I remember forcing myself to participate with people when I was in college, and I don’t remember enjoying those times. I have changed since then though, so maybe it will be easier this time around. I can only hope.

some Tuesday morning thoughts

Mornings are still the hardest, as a general rule.  I used to like mornings fairly well too.  Maybe it gets easier as the day wears on because I get more distracted, or I get better at accepting my life as it is.  At any rate, I miss Matt a lot this morning. 

I suspect that I’m going to be the last person to be able to get on with my life (which isn’t really a good way to put it since the act of surviving suicide is simply LIVING – so in a sense I have been getting on with my life since Matt died).  Basically though, I was the person with whom Matt shared his life, and I’m still reeling.  I’m not going to apologize for it either, but I will probably feel weird bringing it up when everyone else has come to terms with it.  I don’t really have anything else to say on the topic…but am just thinking about it. 

I’m noticing all the grief in the world lately.  It’s always been there – I just couldn’t relate before. 

The most random things will make me want to cry.  For example, my boss just took two new sales reps around to meet all of the customer service reps, and she told them I’ve been here almost a year and have just been amazing and that they’ll be sitting in my cube at some point while they’re here training.  Obviously that’s a flattering thing for your boss to say, and I just want to text Matt to tell him about it.  He would be pleased for me. 

But I can’t…so I guess I’m telling all you people so that you can be pleased for me, too.  It’s a whole lot better than nothing, after all.  🙂 

I want to go to Target after work.  I’ve bought new clothes lately though, and even though I could use some stuff like a new broom, cat treats, and some Tums, I feel like I shouldn’t be spending money.  Annoying.  Maybe I’ll just stay home and work on a new quilt or something.  I need to keep going on that feather quilt.  Maybe I’ll do that.  I guess we’ll see.  I used to like being single because it meant that I could do whatever I wanted to, and whenever.  Now it just makes me sad.  I have to fill out a new life insurance beneficiary form and I have no idea who to list.  No idea.  I don’t like any of this. 

Well, actually, I am still glad that Matt isn’t suffering anymore.  I guess I like that.  It takes a whole lot of unselfishness to say that.