Woman is to feminism as man is to __________?
So I have been pretty much ignoring Christmas this year. I put up a tree in hopes that it would make me feel more Christmas-y, but it hasn’t, even two days before Christmas. This weekend I got most of my wrapping knocked out, which was less fun than usual. Not only did I not have to shop for Matt this year, but all my gift tags say, depressingly, “from Erin” and no one else.
I don’t talk to Matt all that much these days, but I did over the weekend…remembering how much he hated Christmas and how he’s probably glad (if he could be) that he’s missing it this year. But that no one else is.
It’s very hard to stand aside and let people you love do things that you don’t think they should, even when they are convinced that it’s the right thing for them. It’s hard because you don’t know what’s going on inside anyone’s brain but yours. And though I am regrettably quick to judge other people based on my own personal experiences that I perceive as having similarities to their situation, I realize that I really shouldn’t do that at all. The more I experience of life, the more I realize that experiences are not universal and that it’s stupid for me to assume that they are.
That to say…I really wish Matt was here, and I don’t think I would ever say that he did the right thing, but certainly he thought he did. And though I was the person closest to Matt, I still wasn’t ever inside his brain. So I don’t know.
What I do know is that around this time last year, I was getting last-minute Christmas shopping done while Matt was home relaxing; I checked our bank account balance after leaving Target and saw the transaction for the necklace that he bought me last year. I had bitched and complained about how I didn’t want to TELL him what I wanted for Christmas – I wanted him to get me something that HE thought I’d like. So he got me this leaf pendant from one of his favorite fantasy series. And I remember seeing that transaction and thinking that this was one of the best feelings in the world – my husband getting me a Christmas present that he picked out because he thought I would like it. And that I got to go home to him and shower him with love, pretending not to have noticed the order.
So that’s my favorite Christmas memory from last year, and now I’m crying again – great.
God DAMN I’ve been way too social lately. I am so excited about blowing off all my plans for this weekend (except Katie of course) and spending as much time as possible by myself. I don’t even care what I do. As long as no one else is there.
Was going to bitch about this on FB and then decided that it would be silly to draw so much attention to myself when I want attention directed AWAY from me. At least at the moment.
Here’s something that’s been on my mind lately.
After Sarah was born, I experienced tons and tons of different emotions. One of them was a feeling of meaninglessness; I attributed this to the fact that while I was pregnant, I was fulfilling my biological imperative by creating a new person – which is definitely a very gratifying thing to do. Makes you feel like your life is ABOUT something, and like you’re doing something worthwhile. So after she was born and I didn’t have her anymore, I had to re-learn how to give my life meaning without a child in it. It was a little difficult – 9 months is kind of a while.
I’m feeling something similar to this now. It’s been over 9 months (oh geez, the 10 month mark is this Saturday) and I’m starting to feel a loss of urgency when it comes to piecing my life back together. What I mean is that I’m more stable now and not having to dedicate as much energy to just dealing with the fact that Matt’s still gone and will always be gone. I feel like this has been THE GOAL of my life for the last 9 months, and now that I’m able to see how much progress I’ve made, I just feel like I should have a different goal for my life.
It’s depressing to know that I am consciously moving on from Matt, but I remind myself that none of this was my decision in the first place, and that I’m just making do with what I was given. Second to last thing that Matt told me was that none of this was about me, and I also try to remember that. He wanted me to have a better life than he thought he could give me, which really upset me while he was alive – but what’s the use getting upset over it now?
Another depressing part is that I still instinctively want to talk to Matt about all of this, and get his input to see what he thinks I should do. (oh well)
One of the guys who works in the warehouse lost his wife last week. I don’t know him really at all, but he’s probably in his early 40’s and always seemed like a pleasant guy. Apparently, his wife had been losing weight but no one knew why, and then she just died in her sleep last week. And he had to wake up next to his dead wife that morning.
Sometimes I feel like life is just so absurd. Like…why do I make it such a big deal when shit like this can and does happen every day?
I had a peaceful, relaxing, sometimes melancholy (but sometimes not) weekend. I spent Saturday morning cleaning the house and my kitchen hasn’t been this clean in a while. Makes me happy. The bedroom is not clean, but hey, I’ve never been an overachiever. I spent basically the whole weekend at home by myself, and enjoyed it overall, but whenever I spend weekends at home they always make me feel Matt’s absence poignantly. I don’t cry nearly as much these days, but I still miss Matt so much – every day. I still want to talk to him, laugh with him, show him things I’ve done, touch him, make him sandwiches.
And thinking about future romantic relationships, while exciting some of the time, also just make me tired. Makes me want to just hang out with women and gay men. Sort of.
It just doesn’t feel Christmas-y at all to me. I haven’t even wanted to watch any Christmas movies yet, not even It’s a Wonderful Life. I have one present wrapped, too. The rest are sitting on the table in the living room, surrounded by wrapping supplies. Blah.
Seems that I write most when I have the most to complain about – which makes for super positive reading, I know!
I’ve really been craving Matt lately. To possibly be more accurate, I’ve been craving attention and affection and Matt was my only consistent source for these things. I’m sure that it’s good for me to be able to be content without these things constantly in my life, but…it also kind of sucks. I’m not really sure what I want to do to remedy this. (Well….correction – I do know what I WANT to do, but I’m not sure what I’m GOING to do. An important distinction to make.)
It’s been almost 10 months and I am used to living alone and sleeping alone, but I miss being married. I miss being the most important person in someone else’s world (or…the second most important person anyway). Geez, sometimes I just feel like a big baby! Waah. How much easier would this all have been if I hadn’t loved being married to Matt so much? Pointless speculation, I realize; plus, I really can’t complain because I was happier with Matt than I’d ever been before.
And I’m probably not as jaded as I should be. I strongly suspect that I’ll meet someone who will make me as happy as Matt did. And I know that I shouldn’t be desperate or rush into anything – and I won’t. But it’s tempting sometimes. Though other times, I think I need to move out of Tennessee…..
Enough complaining now, I guess.
Edit: since this is just a random blog entry, I thought I’d tack on my horoscope. Apparently this is going to be the year of promiscuity! Ha…ha…ha….
SAGITTARIUS – The Promiscuous One (November 22 to December 21)
Spontaneous. High appeal. Rare to find. Great when found. Loves being in long relationships. So much love to give. A loner most of the time. Loses patience easily and will not take crap. If in a bad mood stay FAR away. Gets offended easily and remembers the offense forever. Loves deeply but at times will not show it, feels it is a sign of weakness. Has many fears but will not show it. VERY private person. Defends loved ones with all their abilities. Can be childish often. Not one to mess with. Very pretty. Very romantic. Nice to everyone they meet. Their Love is one of a kind. Silly, fun and sweet. Have own unique appeal. Most caring person you will ever meet! Amazing in bed!!! Not the kind of person you want to mess with- you might end up crying.
Astrology is full of itself, but this does do a pretty good job of describing me – except for the “gets offended easily” part. At least I don’t think that’s accurate. Also, I don’t think I’m all that childish – though maybe I just repress that part of my personality. Hm.
I think I’m a fan of Pope Francis. This is an interesting article – and I just wanted to say that Pope Francis seems to do a really good job of conveying Jesus’s messages. I’m actually kind of amazed.
I braved the cold and rain last night and bought myself a Christmas tree. It’s about 4′ tall or so – really little and cute which makes it so much easier to decorate. Haven’t had this size tree since my last year at West End.
I don’t know why I keep trying to analyze and sum up my feelings. Those things are helpful to an extent, but I just keep running over the same track most of the time, it feels like. I’m so far away from Matt now. Almost a year away from him. And I’m gaining distance each minute, each day, each week. He’s been dead for over 41 weeks now. Dead. And here I am, repeating all this stuff again, as if I need to remind myself that I live alone and am single.
But at the same time, I’m mindful of how thankful I should be for the circumstances that have brought me to this place. I could be so much worse-off than I am. I’m not suicidal. I’m kind of fond of being alive, at least some of the time. I wish I knew how to be more affirming and encouraging and inspiring to people, though. I guess this is stuff that can be learned. Maybe. If I’m not too lazy and self-centered.
– Caffeine is more effective than it used to be; or anyway, my tolerance has gone way down.
– Thirty minute naps can make me feel so good.
– I’m buying all Christmas presents off of Amazon this year so that I don’t have to go Christmas shopping.
– Because I don’t like people very much (except all you guys, of course).
– I’m up to level 36 in Skyrim and am already planning out my next character.
– I found some really cute map sticky notes at World Market and they literally make me feel better when I use them.
– Annoyingly, I’m feeling energetic 30 minutes before I go home. This is annoying because I got about 5 hours of sleep last night and at least part of my brain wants me to sleep.
– I still have no fixed my washing machine. I’m the worst.
– The bad thing about buying Christmas presents on Amazon is that I’ve already bought myself two presents. Damn.
I don’t feel appreciably older though.
So we have officially begun Advent season, which – for me – means that I need to get my ass in gear and get some Christmas shopping done. I’m thinking about getting a Christmas tree tonight; if I do get one, it will be one of those mini trees. I don’t care enough to do a full sized tree this year.
Last week, as everyone reading this blog probably already knows, I took Wednesday – Friday off (was already off on Thursday for Thanksgiving). It was great – hadn’t taken any time off since Matt died because I only had 3 sick days left, so I’d been trying not to get sick so that I could use that time off for the holidays. So far so good – one sick day left, and I’m planning on using that one on the 26th. We’ll see. On Wednesday, I took my car to get the oil changed and brakes fixed; once I got home, I managed to get the house cleaned up which was awesome. I drove into Knoxville mid-day Thursday. The weather was perfect, and traffic was light. Thanksgiving was delicious as usual, and it was very nice to see all the family. Missed Carla (and Adam) and Joel, but the rest of my siblings were there – and I got to meet my cousin’s 4 month old for the first time too.
Friday was my birthday, and I spent the morning just hanging out at Mom and Dad’s. Aunt Peggy and Aunt Barbara took me out for coffee that afternoon (where I ended up running into two friends, one from Nashville, which was surprising). Almost everyone who I saw at Thanksgiving came over to M&D’s for burgers and birthday cake, and I actually got some birthday presents (heh).
Drove back to Nashville on Saturday morning, after Cracker Barrel breakfast with Mom, Dad, and Hav. I had some people over on Saturday night for birthday drinks, and I had a good time playing Cards Against Humanity and such. Took out the birthday chalice (see picture below) which went well with the dragon scale cover Ryan made for my vodka. Good times. I was (obviously) very excited about something or other here.
Sunday was my day to recharge after all these social interactions, and I think I played Skyrim all day. Pretty sure that’s what happened. Heh.
And I don’t think I’ve cried all weekend, but a lot of that had to do with staying so busy. Thanksgiving was a very bittersweet day, but the rest of the weekend was better. This year…I tried to focus on being thankful for all the love in my life (there’s a lot), and for the 5 years that I was able to say that I was thankful for Matt.