I can’t believe how cruel it was for matt to kill himself after telling me repeatedly that he saw me as an extension of himself. How did he think this would affect me?? But then I remember that he did say it broke his heart to think of how it would hurt me. And I think that I must still have absolutely no inkling of the pain that he was in every day.
I miss him so, so, so much. Its a lovely Sunday morning and I’ve been lying in bed wishing matt was here. I had an image of him coming through the door, jumping on top of me, and how I would kiss him and try to touch every inch of his body with every inch of my body. I can’t believe heleft me to this. I can’t believe he was in such pain.
I finally sat down and deleted Matt’s income out of my budget (and also deleted the scooter payments and Vandy payments, which was nice). Much to my surprise, I find that I am perfectly capable of living within my means – I just can’t go around re-decorating my house all the time, and I should stop buying completely unnecessary stuff.
Along those lines, I found out today that a company-wide 2% raise goes into effect today.
So many good things mixed in with the bad, and I’m glad I can appreciate both sides of the coin.
– This year is half-way over
– I’ve been single for over 4 months now
– One of my coworkers brought me flowers from her garden (gladiolas, black-eyed-susans) and they are so pretty
– I need to remember to bring home that meat in the fridge from yesterday…
– There will be no one waiting for me at home again today
– Matt will not be waiting for me at home today, or ever again
– I feel like a broken record a lot of the time lately
– I’m struggling with the Taoist idea that desires cause pain, and no desires bring peace
– I miss being loved by my late husband
– I’d like to bake some bread after work today (stocked up on sandwich fixings yesterday except bread)
– It’s hard for me to remember how much I enjoyed being single and independent before I met Matt, because I don’t enjoy it right now. Am I doing something wrong?
– The struggle some days to do anything productive…sometimes I’m able to force myself to get up and do stuff (e.g. grocery shopping, cleaning the bathroom, sweeping the floor, washing dishes, cleaning litter boxes, contacting friends, mowing the lawn, going to a coffee shop – ANYTHING). Sometimes I am not successful in forcing myself to do stuff though. This is nothing new really – I had the same problem when Matt was around. But it seems worse now. I don’t have anyone sitting on the couch distracting me and justifying my laziness. And that makes it all the harder to do anything.
– July 4th is coming up. I used to spend my holidays being blissfully lazy with Matt, but being lazy alone is not blissful. Does anyone want to come over and lie in bed with me while we watch 1776? Sorry, the only VCR is in the bedroom. Maybe I can plan a cook-out. I hate that Matt won’t be there.
– This weekend – I have nothing planned and I probably should
– Work, which I ought to get back to
Yesterday was a bad day.
But today has been better so far. Work has been pretty busy because several people are out, and I much prefer the work day to go by quickly. I went to Whole Foods on my lunch break because I hate driving in Green Hills and just wanted to get it out of the way. I got some chicken breast and ground beef which I’m going to take home, package in individual portions, and stick in the freezer. I’m doing some more grocery shopping after work today but just try to buy local/ethical meat.
But I haven’t been eating well lately and I’m getting really tired of never having any food in the house. Last night, I had pretzels and hummus for dinner, and then some clementines and chocolate. Because that was basically all I had. I’m going to at least get some sandwich stuff and frozen veggies just for more options. I’ll probably also get some yeast and bake some bread in the next day or so. I skipped breakfast this morning (slept in a little too late) but ate lunch instead, and feel markedly better post-sandwich.
Anyway. Just an update.
I’m struck with the thought – how on earth am I doing this?? Which is to say… I have a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that you can love someone so much, but that will never stop them from being irrevocably gone after they die. Gone. Forever. It’s so, so heartbreaking. If you don’t see me crying, it’s not because I don’t.
This is why people believe in an afterlife. I completely understand.
Edit: I have a tendency to post stuff sometimes and then come back 30 minutes later realizing that I have more to say. Oops. But the more that I have to say right now is this – while Matt being gone continues to break my heart like every day, I’m so thankful for the capacity to feel grateful when other people are kind to me. Sometimes it just amazes me. I had planned to nap during my lunch break but ended up thinking about Matt instead, and when I got back to work Leslie handed me half of her pizza because she couldn’t finish it. Stephen volunteered to stop and grab Chinese for dinner yesterday so that we wouldn’t have to rush to get to the movie. Just little things that probably mean nothing to whoever is doing it can make me feel appreciated, and it’s nice. I feel silly thanking people sometimes for things that they obviously don’t think warrant such thanks. If I explained every time that whenever anyone does anything for me that indicates they were thinking about me, it means SO much. It means that I’m not alone, and that I still have love in my life.
I’m feeling a little disenchanted of life right now. The fact that I am privileged enough to complain about this should probably keep me from complaining. But it doesn’t, and now I feel ungrateful too. Is it too early in the morning to be guilt-tripping myself?
I miss feeling like I belong with other people. I don’t have any claim on anyone, except my family I suppose. Maybe the Ralston’s, sort of, a little bit.
This weekend was fairly full. I spent some time with Stephen on Saturday, then Ryan came over yesterday; both days I worked on my feather quilt which has been on the back burner for about a year now. I have an empty week ahead of me, not including work of course, and that’s daunting. I don’t want to spend the week alone, but I get tired of asking people to hang out with me. You know, I get tired of a lot of this shit. I just want someone to hold me while I cry and cry, maybe rub my back or comb my hair or something.
No more – starting to cry at work. THAT’s never a good thing.
If anyone in Nashville reads this and wants to hang out with me this week, let me know. Otherwise I might just end up asking you….
I don’t have a ton to say. Like I said yesterday, it’s been a pretty decent week and I’m actually looking forward to the weekend. It’s saddenning on the one hand, and heartening on the other, to see how resilient people can be. As much as I didn’t think I would ever look forward to another weekend again – and I didn’t WANT to since Matt wouldn’t be around…I decided that I wanted to stay alive and try to enjoy life, and that’s what’s happening. As enormously as I still miss Matt, he’s just never coming back and I’m being able to find comfort and love through other avenues. It’s so damned bittersweet.
The Spurs lost game 7 last night, which is just as well. I didn’t care that much either way, but it was going to hurt just a little if they had won the championship. I remember how upset Matt was last year when they lost in the playoffs, which he was able to watch in the psych hospital.
Come to think of it, this time last year he still had about a week left before they discharged him – the 26th or 27th? Seems like I should remember that. I hope I never have to go into the Vandy psych hospital again.
I’ve done a pretty decent job of juggling alone time with social time this week, and it’s felt pretty good. I’m glad that I’m not in the same place I was the last time I was single though – I feel like I’m a much, much better person these days…or at least more grounded and sure of myself. There’s something liberating about realizing, as the Tao says, that caring about other people’s opinions make you their prisoner. Doesn’t mean that I can snap and stop caring, but nevertheless I see the truth in it. Life is too short to willingly imprison yourself.
I’m going to post tomorrow about the 17 week/4 month update. Tomorrow is 4 months to the day, and I’m feeling pretty uninspired today – at least as far as writing goes. So far it’s been a pretty decent week, which is very welcome. But I’ll write more tomorrow.
I have a whole list of stuff I have to get done on my lunch break.
– Going home to grab a load of dirty towels (as my washing machine is broken)
– Going to Bill and Helen’s going wash the towels
– Have to run by the post office for stamps
– Want to run by the yarn store for…yarn
– Have to make myself a doctor’s appointment
– At SOME point I need to call Vanderbilt because I mistakenly paid the same bill twice but have not received any credit or anything….
– Also need to call the SSA to see if Matt has any Social Security Bucks coming my way.
After work, I have to pick up a prescription, and then help Ryan move something but I’ll probably be free after that.
In an ideal world, I would get up in time to put on makeup every morning. Over lunch, I’d have leftovers from the night before. After work, I would come home and exercise, then shower, then either hang out with friends or chill by myself at home (and if I chose the latter, I’d cook dinner too). Why am I so bad at making all of these things happen on the same day?
Actually, in an IDEAL world, I would be naturally skinny and beautiful and healthy, and would be able to spend as much time as I wanted in bed doing whatever I felt like. I would be paid to sit around and crochet or sew or cook or garden all day. I would make such a great housewife (as long as I didn’t have to be responsible for any children, that is; if I was in such a position then I don’t think I would be nearly as perfect a housewife as otherwise).
BUT! It’s good to get stuff done, and it’s also good to be able to pay bills and not ruin my credit.
So I’m done complaining.
Sixteen weeks, but four months a week from tomorrow.
I feel like my brain is taking a vacation. I’ve come to the conclusion that a big reason I’ve felt kind of despondent the last week or so is because I’ve been spending a lot more time by myself. So, I’ve been trying to make plans to hang out with people so that I don’t HAVE to spend so much time alone. But it’s so hard, being as introverted as I am – I just want to be in the same room with people I love without having to actually talk to them unless I have something interesting to say. I feel like I can’t keep up with being entertaining and sociable, but the alternative is to be alone! I really never have lived completely on my own before – I’ve always had roommates and before them, siblings; this is a new experience for me. Finding the balance between spending time with friends and re-charging after being around people is tricky. And I’m no good at it at all yet.
Plus my period is starting (not even apologizing if that’s TMI) so my back hurts and I feel generally crampy and crabby. Meugh.
I think I’m going to get a hair cut tonight. Mine is getting WAY too long and I don’t like it.