I should probably try to avoid blogging on Mondays – regardless of how good or bad my weekend was, I can usually come up with something to say when there’s a choice between blogging and working. Terrible, terrible habit.

This weekend was pretty great though, which makes the temptation to write much harder to ignore. However, I’m going to keep this brief since thinking about how I should be selling toilet paper instead of writing is making me feel guilty.

Friday was great — went to the Frist mostly for music (Marty Stuart was playing Frist Friday) but enjoyed what we were able to see of the exhibits too. Did you guys know that there’s an illustrated version of Elements of Style? I’m posting since I doubt that I’ll be buying more copies to use as Christmas presents this year, even though that would be a good idea. (I swear there’s a prettier way to add a link here. http://www.amazon.com/Elements-Style-Illustrated-William-Strunk/dp/0143112724)

elements of style

Anyway. Not going to blab too much about it.

Saturday’s wedding was hot but enjoyable – you know, as far as weddings go. As I predicted, I knew about 3 people there (not including the bride and groom), but despite or because of that, I had a pretty good time. Highlights: the processional (is that what you call it?) was to the theme from Legend of Zelda, and Chris presented Chaz (best man) with a Zelda sword after he reached the “alter.” Very appropriate.

Planning to make some Indian food for dinner tomorrow and am relatively excited as I haven’t made naan in, like, two years. God damn that’s a long time. You know how I was always complaining about how I wanted last year to be over? I’m definitely glad that it is, and am in a much better place now, but it’s strange to think that a whole year of my life was spent that way – just longing for the hurting to stop, basically. I know that I didn’t waste last year and that living through it was really important to being able to live beyond it, but when I have to say things like “I haven’t made naan in two years,” I guess a part of me feels like I DID waste all of 2013.

Hm. Well. Anyway.

PS: I don’t mind throwing thoughts out into the void of the internet, but I really wish I knew who was reading them. (for all I know, there are about 5 or 6 of you who read semi-regularly.)

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33 weeks now

I don’t have much to say.

I’m having a fine week – what is becoming a “normal” week. Soon I probably won’t even use quotation marks.

I’ve been doing a good job of making dinner since I went grocery shopping last week – even if dinner has alternated between Mexican food and breakfast food. I’ve also cut waaaaaaay back on my trips to the Brewhouse – been going once a week, if that. this does mean that I have not been nearly as social, though, which hasn’t really been a huge problem lately. yes, I’m lonely. no, the cats don’t help that much (especially Lucille). I do enjoy being able to talk to people online though, whether the medium is emailing or chatting or blogging – it helps some.

I’m falling back in love with reading, I think. it’s definitely better than other things I could fall in love with.

this is all I really have to say at the moment. if anyone wants to hang out with me tonight, let me know.

fifteen

It’s interesting to read entries from three, two, and even one months ago. It’s interesting because I have changed a lot in that period of time – which has felt like a year and not a mere 15 weeks. On the other hand, I still have the same issues sometimes. I still feel desperate and broken – just not constantly. I don’t even know what else to say about it (I feel like I’ve been gushing a bit much with the last several entries, anyway).

I’m going to a United Way meeting after work today. It’s an organization that helps in the community a lot – they focus on education, health, financial security, and that kind of stuff. I found out that they sponsor the Survivors of Suicide group that I’m going to next week, too. Someone at work sent out an email to see if anyone would be interested in going to this informational meeting tonight, and another coworker kind of persuaded me to go with her. She has a baby so we won’t be able to stay for the whole meeting (OK with me), but I’m interested in seeing what it’s all about. I’ve been toying with the idea of volunteering and being more involved in the community. So, so many people are much worse off than I am, and I also have a lot of free time lately.

Anyway.

I wonder where I’ll end up going in life. I have not been single without some kind of goal before – whether it be finishing school, or finding a boyfriend, I’ve just always had something to go towards. Right now I’m just trying to head towards healing, but thinking about the future isn’t quite as depressing as it used to be so I just wonder. Matt dying pretty much tore all of my long-term plans into pieces; there’s no way that I can buy property, build a house, and farm on my own. I don’t know. I guess I’m glad that I’m not very old yet (though I’ll be 30 here in a few months…).

I’ve been reading a lot lately. I read those two self-help grief books right after Matt died, and read a couple books of poetry cover-to-cover. I finished Childhood’s End last week, and finished Truth and Beauty a couple of days ago. I’m making good progress re-reading the Heart is a Lonely Hunter too, and I think I’m going to try to pick up Bridget Jones’s Diary the next time I’m a McKays.

I did not cook dinner last night (ended up hanging out with Ryan at his parents’ house, and had a delicious sandwich there…) – there’s not much food at my house right now anyway unless you could frozen soup and frozen poultry (a whole turkey AND a whole chicken). Though I’ve been craving sushi lately. Maybe I’ll have that for dinner tonight since that meeting will last until 7 or so anyway.

Sorry…I know this entry is kind of rambly and probably not too interesting. But oh well.

a jot —

just to say that I’m feeling really sad tonight, and I don’t have anyone to tell. it’s 11pm and there’s nothing to do but go to sleep.

not sure why it’s been a bad day, but I just finished a book by Ann Patchett about a beautiful friendship she had that lasted two decades before the friend OD’d and died. I read the last several chapters tonight and finished it maybe an hour ago. it was beautiful, and so sad. I’m sure it must have been excruciating to write at times, because 99% of the book focused on their friendship.

just makes me sad. my husband is gone…left me, essentially – though I know he didn’t see it that way. it’s hard to be understanding all the time…I’ve spent so much energy over the last year being understanding, and here I am now. forced to remember that Matt had an invisible disease that took his life.

I’m just so sad and lonely right now. I’m going to put on some dumb TV comedy to distract myself so that I can fall asleep.

I’ll feel better tomorrow. (but Matt’s never coming back.) here’s how people deal with this kind of grief — they just do. they don’t die.

Ten weeks down.

This week has been better.  I’ve spent some time with friends, and have made a couple of new ones.  I’ve kept the house clean which always helps me to be in a better mood.  I haven’t been to the bar as much – I’m just getting tired of it because I can feel it not being so good for me.  I mowed the lawn.  I bought a new raincoat.

Ryan helped one of his friends move, and she gave him a ton of her old books that she couldn’t keep because of moving into a smaller place.  Helen also gave him some of her books, and we took them to McKay’s last night and ended up with about $200 in store credit – with two boxes of books still left in my car to take back later!  It was a great trip.  🙂  I ended up with a few new books and two DVDs – didn’t go too overboard anyway.  After, we went to Cafe Coco and did some reading.  It was pleasant.

Tonight, I’m either going to hang out with my friend Amanda, or go see Jurassic Park 3D.  Not sure which one yet, but either way I’ll be fine.  🙂 

I don’t have a ton to say at the moment, but I’ve been kind of trying to blog each Thursday just as a weekly update.  Maybe someday I’ll read back over these and be glad that I updated each week.  We’ll see.

a little less weepy

Maybe the coffee helped.  Who knows.

Well, I just paid off the scooter and wrote checks to pay off Matt’s Vanderbilt bills.  Still have one more left to pay down because I don’t remember how much is left on that balance, but once I get another statement in the mail all Vanderbilt bills should be taken care of.  I think I felt my blood pressure rise as I was writing the two checks for Matt’s 2/21 visit.  I wanted to include nasty notes about how I can’t belive they’re charging me for that (apparently they intubated him when he arrived…probably nothing much else though); why would they have expected him to live with a gaping hole in his head?  On the other hand…I probably would have wanted them to try everything they could if I had been there, frivolous as I may have known it to be. 

But anyway.  Those bills are gone and I’m glad that I don’t have to look at them again.

It was a year ago yesterday that I had my little scooter accident.  I wish Matt was here to celebrate paying for the scooter in a year.  I wish he was here for everything though.

I’m reading this book called How To Go On Living When Someone You Love Dies.  I might have mentioned it here…can’t remember.  It’s really good. 

“It is not an easy task to withdraw emotional energy and investment from someone you love.  It takes a great deal of time and effort.  It means that all of your ties to that person — your needs for and your feelings, thoughts, memories, hopes, expectations, and dreams about that person and your relationship with him — all must be brought up and revived.  Then each one must be reviewed and felt.  In this way the emotional charge is loosened or defused.”  (231) 

“There are countless ways in which you can [keep your loved one alive through your own life and actions].  For example: Talking about your loved one; Acting on the values and concerns you took from him; Thinking about memories you have of him; Enjoying and appreciating life because of having known, loved, and been influenced by the deceased; Being and acting who you are because of what you were given by your relationship with this person. 

“All of these are ways of keeping your loved one alive through you.  Since he was a special part of you and vice versa, you actually are a part of him that contines to exist in the world despite his death.” (237)

Oh, life.  It’s not fair.  “In the face of all aridity and disenchantment love is perennial as the grass”; but it would seem that love is not the only thing perennial as grass.  I suppose that in the interest of looking at the glass as half full, I should acknkowledge and be grateful for the fact that as long as life will never be fair, at least there will always be love.

Just musing….

So I’m just reading through Without, start to finish, and I’m about half way through now.  A lot of the poems are about his last days with his wife as she was dying from cancer, and he talks a lot about how they spent those days.  It’s such a different scenario than mine, but has all the same underlying themes and emotions.  It makes me think about how brave he was to remember all of that and write about it at such length; it’s so difficult for me to spent almost any length of time thinking about all of my memories with Matt.  I wrote out a bunch in my (paper) journal (plog?) and a part of me wanted to keep going, but I kept having to stop because I was crying.  But I’ll go back to it.  I don’t want to lose those memories.

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