Another list (I’m good at these)

So I’ve been in a rut for the last few weeks. I’ll come out for a day, then forget to do anything to make myself feel better the next day and get stuck again. Will my happiness/contentment/enjoyment stop being a conscious effort again at some point? That’d be nice.

– I need more friends. I was just thinking about how I used to be able to make a couple of calls and have a group of people meet me at the coffee house an hour later. That is definitely not how it is anymore.

– I need to work on financial responsibility (again, still). Money can buy temporary happiness (never the best quality happiness); however, lack of money will certainly bring you (ok, me) the opposite of happiness. I need to stick to a budget and ideally find some extra income somewhere. I can do things. I should try to market some of these things.

– I’ve been craving physical activity lately, which obviously is a good thing. I even wanted to work out on Sunday (so I did). Other than that, it’s pretty much been hiking. I’ve been going to Beaman Park and also doing Hidden Lakes (a good trail to do after work since it’s so short). Losing weight would definitely help me to feel better about myself (aside from the endorphin rushes from exercise).

– I really really really need to get off my ass about cleaning up the garage. I’m going to tackle that room this weekend. It’s hard to get around in there now – there’s so much stuff! Maybe I’ll do this on Friday. Same goes for cleaning my bedroom and doing my laundry (though it’d be nice to take care of those projects before Friday)….

– Speaking of Friday! I’m going to see the Indigo Girls play with the Nashville Symphony on that day! With Katie! And we’re both off all day! I’m excited.

– I’d almost like to go on a road trip this weekend, but I can’t think of anyone who’d want to go with me. If you want to, let me know. If I can’t do that, maybe I’ll see if anyone wants to do a day hike with me. Like, a longer-than-four-miles day hike. If that doesn’t work out, maybe I’ll just do the 4 miles one. Heh.

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A Rant (or, Why I Want to Live in the Woods by Myself)

People always have to put in their two cents. Granted, this is my two cents, but I’m not forcing anyone to read it! I’m not arrogant enough to claim that MY opinion needs to stand out all the time — though, like everyone else, I think that I have a perfectly valid viewpoint. People have a tendency to react without thinking, without having actually processed and weighed what they are reacting against. They just want to be heard I guess, and it’s easier to spout their opinions instead of taking the time to analyze what they are disagreeing with.

On that note, I think that people fundamentally want and maybe even agree on the same things, but we grab onto differences to keep us from achieving those common goals; we all want to be safe, to have the same basic rights and opportunities. But we waste so much time squabbling over the details and not engaging that it becomes impossible to see the big picture.

Ok. Sorry, this from a stupid comment I read on reddit. There’s no one around to listen to my rant right now, so the blog gets it.

Quote

So I’m reading through an old journal (from 2003 or thereabouts) and I came across what was apparently my favorite quote from Atlas Shrugged, which I was reading at the time.

“She thought that if it were possible for her to stand looking at him […] she would wish to spend the rest of her life on this spot and in this manner. And in the next instance she knew that if her wish were granted, the contemplation would lose all meaning, because she would have betrayed all the things that gave it value.”

Update.

It’s been a bit since I blogged, I know. Sorry. Has a lot to do with the fact that I don’t have the free time at work that I used to, since I am now self-motivated and always have plenty of people who I could be calling at any given moment. But, writing is good for me, so. This will probably be brief, though.

I haven’t been the greatest lately. I think there are a few factors contributing to my mood of late; one would be the new job. I’ve been doing this for maybe a month now and I’m feeling much more comfortable making these phone calls (at least compared with several weeks ago). I don’t really like it much yet, though. And I can’t tell if I’m any good at it, either. I’m going to give it a few months just to see – but if I’m feeling like this by August or September I might see if I can move back. Selling can be gratifying, but it can also be stressful.

Anyway. Also, Joel has been staying with me the last week or two, and that’s been an adjustment. It’s so easy for me to get used to living alone, and it’s always a little strange when I have to re-adjust to having a roommate. Especially when he’s your brother. (Joel being around also serves as another reminder that Matt isn’t, which I feel should not affect me as strongly as it still sometimes does.)

I’ve also been pretty antisocial lately, which I need to start moderating better. Being antisocial is all well and good as long as I don’t neglect my social needs. Which I do sometimes.

This weekend was interesting. Liesl graduated on Saturday and I drove down to Cleveland TN for that, then to Knoxville for lunch with everyone. I decided to come back home after that because I was just not feeling up to staying another day; yesterday I got up at 9am and hiked the Ridgetop Trail at Beaman Park (4 miles), then came home and straightened the living room/kitchen a bit and ended up spending the afternoon playing Skyrim and baking bread. As far as Sundays go, it wasn’t bad.

I am really needing more fulfillment outside of work right now. And I’m just not quite sure where to look for that. Other people? New hobbies? Reading more?

questions, I guess

How is it that I can get off the phone after speaking with a promising account, and just want to crawl under my desk and cry after hanging up? I’m so cheerful and friendly on the phone, and the whole facade felt like it just crashed down after that last call.

Why is it so hard for me to feel stable all the time? Is it because I’m used to feeling stable, and I’m caught off-guard when my emotions don’t seem to want me to control them?

I want to be excited about something. Is it hard for me to get excited about things because I don’t like doing things? Or because I put too strict of a definition on things that “should” excite me? Or because I don’t go looking for excitement?

I want to spend more time in the woods. Wouldn’t it be awesome to spend as much time in the woods as I do in an office? Yep.

in my head too much this week

…and not getting enough out onto paper.

I have the urge today to pick up and move to a new city – clean slate. I’m not going to do this, though – at least, not right now. Instead, I’m going to do a small hike after work and hope that it “resets” something. I’m feeling pretty stagnated at the moment. Need some new endeavor or some such. Moving to a new city seems nice. Though moving to a different part of Nashville could also help.

I really need something in my life to work towards – besides work. Just feeling kind of weepy today for no good reason that I can find. Work is going ok; it’s not my Favorite Job Ever so far, but it’s fine. I just feel like I could burst out crying if I had the right mental image or memory of Matt. Probably a few other things could make me cry too. Again – no good reason that I can tell…..