Month: July 2012

Things are still going…okay.

 

I almost feel like we’re in limbo as his moods are still up and down. They have been mostly up for the last month, but we’re obviously still getting the ECT treatments which should tell you there’s something still wrong. The treatments aren’t meant to be a permanent fix, but I’ve heard that they’re supposed to last longer than a week. His antidepressant still isn’t helping, and if it was going to then it should have kicked in by now.

 

Last week we cut ties with his therapist. I think that making the change was encouraging to my husband because he felt better after making that decision. He emailed a different therapist on Saturday but hasn’t heard back yet – at least he hasn’t emailed back (he may have called).

 

The constant ups and downs and starting to get to me. I know that he can’t help it and that I can’t hold it against him, and this makes me feel bad about saying anything period (I haven’t). But the constant neediness…is better than constant depression, but still makes me feel like I’m in limbo. Oh how I love stability. I almost want to go back to letting him have his moods and keeping myself distant from them, but I feel like he’s in a very unstable place right now and needs my help – needs to know that I care about his feelings and don’t want to let him keep them all to himself anymore. I guess I’m getting what I asked for then – he’s definitely opening up more now than he did before. I’m glad that he’s trying to communicate with me more – SO glad. It’s super selfish of me, but I’m balking against all the drama this is bringing into my life.

 

The inevitability of human drama………… I try so hard to avoid it.

 

I can see that my husband is making positive steps toward progress. This weekend, he told his parents about the abuse and I was very proud of him for doing it on his own. I don’t know that it’s necessarily helped anything yet, but I think that it’s one more step towards letting go of all that baggage and the false beliefs that go along with it.

 

I wish I could do more to help. I just want to fix it as fast as I can….but I can’t. I can just help. I think I’m going to need to find myself a therapist before all this is over – I don’t really think I can handle it by myself. Every day is a new day, but I don’t like my husband’s mood having to dictate my mood. It doesn’t necessarily work that way, but I still start to worry about him when I know he isn’t feeling well and he doesn’t text me often enough.  

Tomorrow will be three weeks since my husband was discharged from the hospital. 

Last Friday, he had to go back to get another treatment because they had started wearing off, he said, and I could tell that the demons were starting to come back. 

I described them as “demons” to someone in the hospital on the day I took him to the ER, and she was very interested in that word choice, asking if it was my wording or his.  I’m pretty sure that it’s not his word choice, but I think it’s an apt description because it almost feels like someone else is inside his brain sometimes, making him want to do bad things to himself – and other people sometimes.  He says he doesn’t know why it comes, how to get rid of it, or how to describe it.  But it can be frightening to look into his eyes and be near him while he’s like this.  He has never hurt me before (physically, anyway), and I want to keep it that way. 

Noticing the demons popping up again was a huge motivation to get him back to the hospital for another ECT treatment.  His doctors were very accommodating and were able to see him within about 2-3 days after I contacted them.  He felt markedly better when I picked him up after the treatment, and has another one scheduled for this coming Friday.  I hope that this won’t be a weekly occurrence for the rest of our lives, but his antidepressant doesn’t seem to be helping still, and his therapist doesn’t either. 

And how am I?  I’m taking it a day at a time, I suppose.  I’m not relaxed yet.  I’m ready for his mood to change at any time.  I’m very hopeful about the future and very glad that the ECT is working, though.  Overall my mood is good, though I’m not exercising or being as organized as I would like to be.  In an ideal world, I would keep the house spotless all the time, exercise daily, and make all three meals at home.  Right now I’m happy when I do one of those things in a day. 

Even though things aren’t perfect, they’re so much better than last month that I’m very happy with our lives at the moment.  We’re making good progress and I’m determined to never let it get that bad again.