twenty seven weeks

Sorry I haven’t been blogging much lately. Everything’s been fine – I’ve just been really social over the last week and haven’t had that much time or inclination to blog. I find that I enjoy being around friends more than I remember enjoying in the past, but I am still going to need probably the whole weekend to recuperate.

I’ve been super lazy this week. 🙂 Other than spending time with friends, I haven’t done much of anything. Haven’t washed the dishes in at least a week, and even though I’m still working on the disposables that Bill and Helen’s church gave me when Matt died, the dishes are building up. I might work on those this evening. I need to get rid of the flowers wilting in the living room too – they add a certain element of decay to the room….

I almost feel that as I become more and more distanced from Matt as a living person, it’s harder to deal with. What I mean is that I’m actually starting to get used to my new life as a single 29-year-old, and it makes me sad but glad at the same time. I was driving home last night blaring U2 over the car speakers, and was struck with the realization that I can do whatever I want to do – no one has any say in what I do (unless I let them). When I’m struck with these moments of clarity (or whatever), my brain immediately goes to Matt and how much I miss him. Yes, being single has its merits. But I would not have traded Matt for anything.

So……I continue to trudge along a lot of the time – though I definitely have good days and fun times too. 🙂 Getting used to change in life (especially unwelcome change) has always been hard but man. This is hard. Someone told me the other day that there’s strong, and then there’s Erin Reeve strong. I was a little flattered…even though I get so tired of being strong….

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26…6months…Matt’s birthday

I probably shouldn’t be writing right now…being at work and feeling pretty emotional already. I would REALLY like to go home today. But it’s Thursday, which is typically my busiest day, and I think I should struggle through it. All I’m going to do at home is sleep and/or cry so I might as well be here making money.

But it’s going to be hard to force myself to be cheerful today.

This day last year, Matt was at Parthenon and I wasn’t even allowed to visit him on his birthday. So, I took him a copy of the Tao that I had re-bound in leather, along with a letter, and left it for him at the front desk. We talked on the phone at some point that day. It was a horrible birthday and I figured that this year would be better.

After work, some friends are meeting me at the Brewhouse for a couple of drinks – it seemed like an appropriate way to celebrate Matt’s birthday. I think that’s what we did on my birthday last year actually. 🙂 Right now, I’m not looking forward to it, but once I wake up and start feeling better (which I’m hoping will happen), I expect that to change. We’ll see.

Standing outside watching the clouds drift across the moon, I’m reminded that my pain is a drop hin the bucket of human suffering. And somehow it’s comforting to know that I can accept this pain as a part of my life and still move on.

this week

The worst are the mental pictures that just pop into my mind sometimes. That evening last year when Matt missed the bus and I went to pick him up at the Corner Bar on Elliston. I can just see him sitting there, slumped, blue shirt, curly hair, face that I would give ANYthing to kiss again.

I don’t have much hope of not crying at work this week, especially with mental images like this one. I don’t want to remember what he looked like – all it does it make my jaw hurt from holding back the sobs.

I can’t think of any words that would communicate how I feel, really. Maybe tragically hopeful. But there are more modifiers in there too, like “despairingly” and “hopelessly” and all that. This is the worst thing that has ever happened to me, hands down, and because I am completely unable to “fix” anything, it just makes me feel hopeless and desperate because my hands are tied. On the other hand, I’m going to keep going, keep searching for the good in life. But it’s SO FUCKING HARD some times. Because even 6 months in, all I want is Matt. I just want to kiss his face, make him chicken pie, go grocery shopping with him, spend every single free minute that I have with him. But I still can’t do any of that.

I know, these blog entries all tend to sound the same. Sorry. I still miss my Love with my whole heart and body and mind though, so my brain sounds redundant most of the time anyway.

24

Two weeks away from the 6 month mark.

I feel like I’ve blogged enough this week to give everyone a general idea of my current mental state. It’s been a better week so far than last week, though there have been bad moments too. Can’t complain too much though.

So it’s going to sound absurd, but sometimes I feel guilty for not letting myself feel guilty. You know? I am completely debt-free now – the only bills I have now are for services that I use every month. This isn’t making me nearly as happy as I always imagined that I would be once I paid off my loans, but I’m not letting myself feel guilty. The guilt is irrational and Matt would disapprove. But it reminds me of that one post from maybe 4 or 5 months ago where I just kept saying that I don’t want to let go. But I have to let go. But I don’t want to let go. I’m not in that place to the extent that I was before, but I still feel it.

Everything that everyone has told me about grieving has been true so far. Time has helped. The good days are more frequent and the bad days less frequent, though the intensity with which I miss Matt has not diminished. I still cry as loudly as I did that first week – just not as often.

I’ve been feeling very fortunate this week. I’m not going to say that it takes something bad happening for you to realize how good you have it, because I knew I had it good before. But the perspective is interesting.

Just complaining some more – so be forewarned!

I’ll try not to complain the WHOLE post.

My life is changing, and I am changing, but some things have not changed yet. For example, I find myself – every now and then – being energized by the freedom that comes with being single. There are good and bad things about every situation, and this is one of the good things. The bad part is that as I’m feeling good, I want to tell Matt about it. As I’m getting ready to pay off my loans, I want to tell Matt and thank him for making me be financially responsible – without him I would be so much deeper in the debt hole than I am.

I am excited about not having any more debt, but I so long for Matt to be here to celebrate with me. I had no idea how to handle my money before meeting him. Yes, I paid the bills and put together the budget and all that – but it was because Matt wanted us to be responsible. @#$%^&*#$%&$%*@&@!#%

Oh………..sigh…………..I miss him so damned much.

And my feelings of helplessness with regards to the situation will never go away, I’m sure. The thing I want most is for Matt to be here and to be happy, but I couldn’t make him happy (or at least keep him happy) while he was here, and I sure can’t do anything about it now. His birthday is two weeks from Thursday, and frankly, I’m scared. I just want to skip that day. I think I need to plan something for that evening so that I don’t spend the whole time in bed lying in a fetal position (which I can definitely see that happening otherwise).

Anyway.

So Lucille 2 has ear mites (hooray). I have some pain medicine and ear ointment to give her, and last night ALL she wanted to do was either sit on my lap or be held by me. And she slept on the bed next to me and Lucille 1 all night. She’s SO pitiful and adorable and sweet and sad!! I found myself wanting to stay home to take care of her, but it’s not like there’s much I can do anyway. I think the pain medicine kind of puts her out of it. Poor kitty. Oh, and she has the Cone of Shame on too, so that she doesn’t try to mess with her stitches, and that just compounds the pitifulness! Here’s a picture.

blog - lucille 2

So there’s your update.

wandering mind….

I can’t keep my mind from wandering to Matt today – even while I’m at work. Today’s Ryan’s birthday, and I keep remembering how we drove to White Bluff last year with some beer and a lemon cake that I had made him, and maybe Nate Hunter (or maybe that was a different time?). Come to think of it, Matt had an ECT treatment that day and ended up feeling horrible by the end of the day.

I don’t want to be thinking about all of this. I’d rather be able to focus on this National Geographic article that I’m trying to read.

Had a pretty good weekend, though I don’t feel up for going into all the details. Friday evening, I drove to Spring Hill to hang out with Katie (probably the best decision I made all weekend 🙂 ). I spent the night and drove back Saturday morning, got breakfast at Wendell Smith’s, and spent pretty much the rest of the day at home relaxing. I did the same thing on Sunday except that I met my cousin Laura and her girlfriend for dinner – which was also nice. Overall, relaxing, low-stress weekend. I could have exerted myself socially more than I did, but it felt nice to just relax at home (in a clean house).

I took Lucille 2 to the vet this morning to get her spayed; also though, she had developed some kind of ear problem – not sure if it’s mites or an infection or what. I hope she does OK. She was so pitiful all weekend – I could tell she just felt awful because her ears were bothering her a lot. Poor little sweet kitty. Why couldn’t Lucille 1 be the sick cat? I’m taking her to be spayed next week.

Oh by the way. I’m 99% sure that I’m going to take a good chunk of Matt’s life insurance money and pay off my student loans and my car loan. This will free up over $500/month for me, which will be a BIG CHANGE in regards to my spending cash. I actually might be able to start saving again if I pay off those loans – though I haven’t worked out my budget yet. I’m getting up the nerve to write myself an $11,000 check (surprisingly, I only owe about $6,000 for my student loans and $4,000 for my car – because obviously everyone wants to know how much I’m in debt. Next post I’ll drop my SSN and license plate numbers.)

But that seems like a smart idea. I’ll still have some savings, but I won’t have to use it anymore. And I might be able to renew my lease another year – I really like my house and I really don’t want to move. If anyone has any thoughts they should weigh in.

As long as I’m being scattered (as usual), here’s something that happened the other day. I walked into Costco for whatever reason (probably flowers…), and there was a 20-something guy in the front trying to sell DirecTV. I was in a talkative mood (for me) and we started chatting about internet and cable and the like. The guy kept asking questions like, “Who do you guys have for cable?” and “What kind of TV do you guys have?” I’m not wearing a wedding ring. I was by myself. I have no idea why he assumed that I was a “we” except maybe because of my age. It was really odd.

Anyway. I think that’s it for now.