Month: September 2013

brainstorming a little

Ever since Matt’s birthday, I haven’t really felt like I’ve had my shit together. I realize that this is all stuff I struggled with even when Matt was alive – things like exercising regularly, cleaning the kitchen regularly, making dinner instead of eating out all the time – etc. But I also know that being able to be on top of this kind of thing does help me to feel better. And when he wasn’t too depressed, it was important to Matt that we be on top of this stuff too.

So…how to go about being more responsible. Hmm.

First thing – I need to clean up. I did actually cook some over the weekend (thawed my last chicken breast, made barbecue sauce, and heated up some veggies). But I, of course, did not clean up. So my kitchen is pretty messy at the moment, which I need to take care of before I bring anything else into it. But second step would be actually going grocery shopping and buying things other than sandwich meat and bread. I really want to start being able to invite people over for dinner too, and having real food around the house is kind of essential to “having people over for dinner”….

Here’s what I did this weekend. I know it’s off-subject, but it’s also the reason that my living room is a wreck. Katie came over on Saturday and we joined half the population of Nashville at TACA. Did not spend much time there because it was soooo packed, and it was hard to get into most of the booths without elbowing your way in. Maybe I should have gone back yesterady when it wasn’t so crowded – but oh well. After TACA we got lunch at Wendell Smith’s, then went back to my house and watched movies and crafted the rest of the afternoon. It was pretty awesome. Then Sunday, I continued the crafting and watching movies until mid-afternoon where I went to hang out with M&M. Then got Fat Mo’s for dinner and watched Breaking Bad until I fell asleep. It was pretty great, guys. Could have been better – I can’t even drive to M&M’s without really missing Matt – but it was good anyway and Matt’s not here so maybe it couldn’t have been better.

Anyway. Have i mentioned the feather quilt that I’ve been working on for like forever? I’m trying to wrap up my own projects so that I can start working on Christmas presents, and sorry – I don’t want to give the feather quilt to anyone for Christmas. Oh right, but actually I’ve decided to make it into a duvet cover instead of a quilt. I finished up all of my pieces, so I just need to sew everything into strips, and then sew the strips together, then sew that to the back of a sheet! It’s going to be great. I’ll post a picture once I’m done. Gonna try to get some dishes done over my lunch break today because I’m anticipating wanting to try to finish it up tonight or tomorrow. This isn’t really going to help with my goal of grocery shopping and deep-cleaning the kitchen, but maybe once I finish it and see how amazing my bedroom looks, I’ll be motivated to clean the rest of the house too!

Well anyway. We’ll see. Oh damn, I just remembered that I’m supposed to hang out with Ryan tonight. Maybe he’ll want to come over and watch TV while I sew….

It makes me feel good to be productive. I bet that has a lot to do with how much I enjoyed this weekend – I just love making things. Plus I finished my book (Xenocide) yesterday…I want to read the next one in the series, but I also really want to read the Foundatin series by Asimov, and the next Bridget Jones book, and White Oleander. UGH! So many books to read. And so many crafts to make. And so much to clean. And here I am, sitting at work writing about all of it. Sure wish I could trade places with Bitey….

Morning.

I dropped off my car at Firestone this morning – the check engine light has been on for a couple of weeks, and I’ve been having issues pumping gas (like there’s an obstruction or something in the gas tank). Had to drop it off because they’re going to have to take the whole tank out to see what’s wrong with it, and apparently removing a gas tank takes time. (Update: he just called to say what’s wrong with it…and I’ve forgotten exactly what he said, but it’s two parts that need to be replaced and they of course have to come from Kia so they’re kind of expensive… basically I’m not spending any more money ever again, at least until tomorrow.) So my dear mother in law gave me a ride to work this morning, and it was really good to see her – it’d been a bit. I need to make more of an effort to see them. I’m so damnably lazy. I really miss feeling like part of a family in Nashville though; of course I could make weekend trips to Knoxville all the time if I wanted, but that’s not really practical.

I can’t wait until I have everything together and can start having people over to dinner every week. Once I get it together, I’ll also start working out every day and cooking at home all the time, and never have anything to eat after 9 pm again.

I actually cleaned most of the kitchen last night. Got almost everything washed, the table and the stove cleared off, and it looks much better. I switched out my spring blossoms in the living room with some fall-colored berry-things. Makes it look more like September now. I’m kind of doubting that I’ll do much more fall decorating, but we’ll see. As soon as the leaves start changing, I might bring some of those inside. Oh, I miss home being HOME – with Matt. Home is all well and good, and Bitey is always glad to see me, but the best part of it was always Matt.

But, I’m doing what I know to do with what I have.

Tomorrow, Katie and I are going to TACA and then back to my house for a craft day – I’m SO looking forward to it! Craft fair and then crafting with Katie — can there be a better plan for a day!? I’m not sure what I’ll be working on, but most likely I’ll pull out quilt stuff – and maybe work on my motifs too.

31

I’ve felt somewhat better this week – which is to say, I have cried MUCH less and felt much less desperate. I think both of those things are good. Activity-wise, I haven’t done all that much…saw Ani on Tuesday, got sushi last night with a friend, hung out with Katie last Saturday, but otherwise it’s been a pretty low-key week. I’m reading the Ender series and am almost finished with book #3 (Xenocide), and I was telling Katie last night that I haven’t been this immersed in a fictional world in a long time. I’d almost rather stay home and read than go hang out with people – there are obvious exceptions of course, but just hanging out at home reading is kind of awesome. Plus, reading counts as productivity – in my book anyway. Pun not exactly intended.

Oh, life is still not what I want it to be, but I have to keep reminding myself that it won’t be for a while probably.

I’m trying to decide whether I want to decorate my house for fall or not. I might do some, like switching out the spring blossoms in the living room with fall leaves or something. I haven’t thrown a brunch or a dinner party in a long time…so decorating seems kind of pointless. I’m thinking about doing a Christmas party (a semi-annual seasonal gathering, I mean) which will hopefully motivate me to decorate for Christmas some anyway. Probably won’t get a full tree again this year though. Too depressing. Even though Matt never helped with Christmas decorating anyway – though I did get him to go with me last year to at least get the tree.

Fuck, I miss him so much.

Is it good that I’m learning these life lessons so comparatively early? I have no idea. I hope so. I really miss having a husband to go home to every day though. I miss being able to text him little love notes all day long. I miss being able to get a hug whenever I need one. I miss Matt….so, so, so unbelievably much (at least, he probably wouldn’t believe it – I do though). Five days until our wedding anniversary; granted, I always considered Thanksgiving day as being our real anniversary because that was the day I finally decided that I wanted to be in a relationship with Matt (ha…only like a month after we met…). But our wedding day was such a happy one. *sigh*

So anyway. I’m trying to be positive. Yes. So I think I might work on cleaning the house today (when not reading, of course) and maybe pull out some of the fall decorations. I wonder if I should be thankful for that time Matt spent in the hospital last year – because I had to basically do what I’m doing now, except I could visit Matt and write him letters. But otherwise, I had to fend for myself. I don’t know.

Oh yay, Wednesday….

Certainly haven’t been blogging as much this week – which I think means that my mind has been more stable for whatever reason. I guess.

Got to work this morning and had a flat tire! I aired it up before I clocked in because I wanted to see if it would hold air long enough for me to drive it somewhere on my lunch break…but the front desk just called to let me know that it’s totally flat now. Damn. I hope it isn’t raining when I have to put the spare on…. My boss said that I can take a long lunch to get it fixed though, so that’s a good thing anyway. Instead of dreading this, I need to remember that I’m really thankful to have a car that (generally) works well, and that I am capable of changing my own tires and getting my car fixed.

On the other hand, I kind of just want to put the spare on and spend the rest of the day in bed. I guess I’m glad that’s not an option.

Went to see Ani DiFranco last night with Katie, and it was a good time. It was kind of bittersweet too since I’d never been to any of her shows without Matt, and the last time I was at that venue was also with Matt. But what can I do?
blog - ani

30

Yesterday was not a happy day. I spent all day thinking about Matt – I exchanged several messages with Dawn (who I’ve mentioned here before – one of Matt’s oldest friends) which was really good but they were not happy messages. I’m glad that we could email so much because we both had stuff that we needed to get off of our chests, and it’s comforting for me to know that Dawn has in no way gotten over this yet (either). I’m sure lots of people haven’t, but no one else is talking to me about it, I guess.

You know, since Matt died, I have felt so much more free with regards to talking about my feelings and emotions, and I have felt more compelled than ever to make sure that people know that I love and appreciate them.

Anyway, on top of emailing Dawn yesterday I also commented on something on Reddit which ended up getting over 600 upvotes (definitely the best I’ve ever received).

So yeah. My productivity level has not increased much this week (yesterday was bad, like I said, and I used up a ton of Kleenex once I got home from work). I HAVE been making an effort to go to sleep on time, which improves my mood in the mornings. So that’s good. Also I haven’t been eating out quite as much. I need to start cooking at home again though – and not just frozen pizzas.

another one?!

At this rate, I’m going to have nothing to say tomorrow.

I don’t know why I’ve felt the need to write so much this week. I guess maybe my brain has been throwing me off this week and writing helps me to organize and understand.

They’re having some electrical work done in the office, and today I saw one of the electricians doing exactly what Matt used to do – standing on top of a ladder and moving his body around to fit into the hole in the ceiling while being able to reach the wires he was pulling through. Not a big deal – just some guy doing his job. But it’s little things like this that I’m not prepared for – they feel like a stab through the heart, or something equally painful and unappealing. I don’t like having to hide the way I feel.

After 6 months (7 months on Saturday), I had hoped that things would be better. And they are…….but they aren’t THAT much better. Lately, all I want to do is be with people who knew and loved Matt. I haven’t been reaching out to any of them though, so I’ve been mostly hanging out at home instead. I don’t know that being around people who loved Matt would help anyway, since what I REALLY want is Matt. *sigh*

My anniversary is in 13 days. The holidays are coming up. Can I please just fast-foward through the next 5 months?

a list

Some things that make me feel good

– A clean house
– Flowers
– Productivity
– Making things
– Being at home
– Reading
– Playing my guitar
– Drawing
– Working out :-/
– Being financially responsible
– Being financially irresponsible
– Seeing people when I feel like it
– Being alone when I feel like it
– Having friends who don’t mind arbitrary texts
– Being nice to other people
– Autumn
– Remembering that Matt wasn’t the only person who loved me
– Eating well

I need to make myself a Plan. Structure is a good thing. I ought to make a spreadsheet or something to keep track of what days I should work out, what days I should work on quilts, what days I should clean the bathroom. As it is, a lot of this stuff only gets accomplished when I’m ALREADY feeling good. I’m so glad that fall is happening soon though – when the weather cools down I always have so much more energy.

Anyway. Just wanted to make this list. Maybe I’ll turn it into a Plan soon.

Here’s the yarn that came in the mail yesterday.

blog - yarn

Otherwise, I don’t have much to write about other than missing Matt. So what else is new? I get distracted by projects and other people, but when I’m alone it’s hard not to collapse into sobs. One of the sales reps at work lost his wife last week. They had two grown children and at least 3 grandkids. I can’t really imagine how much he must miss her – for them it was decades; for Matt and me it was 5 years. And he came back to work yesterday too – I don’t get it. I guess working is better than lying around the house being completely heartsick and miserable.

I hope no one minds that much that I sound like a broken record in pretty much every blog entry. When it comes down to it, I still have trouble caring about anything else sometimes. **sigh**

yarn, flowers, mondays, etc

It’s been a pretty damned decent day so far. Currently I am listening to Chris Thile and drinking grapefruit Perrier at work. I have some yellow roses to replace the pink ones from last week (which started looking pretty bad yesterday).

blog - flowers

Went to Publix on my lunch break to get lunch and also do some miscellaneous grocery shopping. I really need to make a trip to Aldi to stock up on EVERYthing. Still have not been shopping there since before Matt died. I know it’s ridiculous for me to still be avoiding that place at this point. But, I don’t know, I just don’t want to deal with it. But Publix is SO much more expensive….

Anyway. I ordered a bunch of yarn online last week (found it for $3 less than I had been getting it from the local yarn shop…which I WILL continue to go to) and they’re supposed to deliver today!! It’s so much yarn and I’m excited! It’s going towards this medallion motif blanket-thing that I’ve been working on for a couple of months now. I’m realizing, though, that I need to start thinking about Christmas presents and stop thinking about making shit for myself. Blast. I keep starting projects and not wanting to give them away because they’re awesome. It’s a dilemma.

Anyone (besides Katie) want to come over to my house and do crafts with me? I haven’t been working on anything recently – except the crocheting that I keep at work. I have feather quilt stuff out, but need to cut more pieces which is for some reason holding me up.

Friday the 13th

Arbitrary (though accurate) subject as do not care one bit whether it’s Friday the 13th or 12th or 14th.

I woke up this morning oh so comfortably; I went to bed on time last night and got plenty of sleep, and got up one snooze before I normally do. (Is a “snooze” an amount of time? In this case, it’s 9 minutes.) I was dreaming about Matt when I woke up, but it was a really odd dream. For some reason, we were hanging out with our friend Dawn; Matt had gone to put on warmer clothes or something, and when he got back I got on top of him and held his face in my hands and asked him why he left me. All I remember is Dawn saying that she would have let him instead of trying to keep him alive and miserable here, and then I think I got up and punched her in the face. (Dawn, I doubt you’re reading this, but if you are rest assured that I don’t really want to punch you in the face at all.)

It was a better dream than the ones I usually have about Matt, because I knew while I was dreaming that he was dead.

The drive to work this morning was gorgeous – beautiful weather, lovely temperature, and it’s starting to feel like fall. I wonder if every good thing (like fall) will be bittersweet for the rest of my life, because I will always regret that Matt isn’t here to share it with me. That’s how it is now.

Guys, I’m not whole. I’m telling this to myself though, because it’s easy to get distracted and have a few good weeks and then remember that I’m still broken. Someone shared a quote with me (they weren’t sure who said it) – “Face what I feel now, and what I felt before but didn’t have the resources to feel.” Progress. I’m making it. Slowly.

I AM making progress. I got a new phone recently and had to figure out how to save all my voicemail from my old phone – including several from Matt which I hadn’t listened to in a long time but never want to delete. I didn’t listen to all of them when I was transferring them to the computer, but I did hear several. Of course, I can still hear Matt’s voice in my head if I try – which I don’t, because it always makes me cry. So I was pleased that I was able to deal with hearing the voice messages again. Of course they made me cry, but I did it anyway.

There’s so much of Matt all over my house. I went into the library to play my guitar a little yesterday but didn’t even pick it up because I was too distracted/overwhelmed by Matt. I lost so, so much when he died. I didn’t lose my future, but I lost the only future that I wanted – one with him.

But then I was listening to NPR this morning and they were interviewing some Syrian refugees, and the refugees were talking about how they can’t go home – they have no home left because their villages have been bombed. And that made me remember that I am SO privileged. I’ve lost my husband and my most preferred future, but I still have my house, my cats, my job, my family, my friends. I don’t want to downplay my loss(es), but honestly, just remembering that these Syrian refugees are PEOPLE just like I and everyone I know are, living with the same desires that we are, I feel so thankful for what I do have.

Anyway. Enough blogging.