Month: October 2012

My husband gets discharged tomorrow. He’s been in there two weeks and will be getting ECT round 3 treatment 5 tomorrow.

I’m glad he’ll be coming home soon. But I’m scared too. What if he’s still just lying??? I mean, I don’t think he is, but I didn’t think he was all last month either. I just don’t know.

But I guess this is choosing to trust him again, because I’m not giving up. I suppose I should say that I’m choosing to act like I trust him, in the hopes that real trust will develop again. So we’ll see.

I’m still scared, though.

I wrote him a whole letter today basically asking him to honestly give therapy another shot, and trying to state the reasons I think that he should. Im going to ask him about it tomorrow. I need to stop being hesitant to talk about this kind of thing with him in person…we’re both pretty non-confrontational and that really doesn’t work so well for resolving issues.

We’ll see what happens. Going forward hopefully, if cautiously and alertly.

Nothing new yet.  Yesterday we were both feeling pretty damned depressed and I had to try really hard not to cry while I was visiting him.  He’s upset because he doesn’t feel like his doctors care about what he says and how he feels; this came up because he had his second ECT treatment yesterday and wasn’t feeling any better at all.  He says that he’s told his doctors that the treatments are being less and less effective but that they keep wanting him to take them anyway.  He doesn’t care enough to argue.

It feels more painful and depressing this time – for me.  I know that it probably isn’t, and I re-read my entries from when he was in the hospital the first time.  They seem sad enough.  But I’m having a really hard time with this right now.  I’m so afraid that he’ll keep doing this until it’s too late and he’s dead.  I’m SO afraid of that. 

I’ve started praying more this time.  I don’t know if it helps or not, and I kind of doubt that it does, but it might and I don’t want to miss out on anything that might possibly help. 

I left a message with a potential therapist yesterday afternoon, and I hope she calls back today.  I need some advise.  I need to talk to someone about this.  I’ve been writing letters to my husband every day (just because it makes me feel a little more connected to him, I suppose) and can’t seem to stop myself from gushing all over the place about how sad I am and how much I miss him.  I feel bad about it because he needs to be focused on HIM and not me right now (not that he is…), but I asked him last night if it makes him feel bad when I do that and he said yes and no.  It makes him sad, sure, but he said that it also makes him feel loved. 

Anyway.

Another whole week gone. And at least a week – probably more like ten to fourteen days is more like – to go.

I’m so sad tonight.

I called to get some counseling referrals but haven’t called to make an appointment yet. When it comes down to it, I think I do feel like going to see a therapist is a little weak and self-involved. I know, it’s silly. But I couldn’t bring myself to call yesterday at lunch, staring at the list of names.

But I need to see someone. I need advise (council) from a trained professional. I don’t know what I’m doing at all, or how to tell what’s best for me to do. I’m also, I think, afraid that whoever I see will judge me for staying with him. I just feel like the normal statute of limitations is pretty damned close, and though I don’t want to leave him at all I’m just wary of what people might think. Especially if I was to tell them what he told me standing atop that building at the hospital. I feel like a moron for just wishing I could ignore that, write it off to his drunkenness and deep depression. But … should I put a knife under my side of the bed, just in case? Do I need to be nervous?

.………………………..((((sigh))))………………………….

He texted me while I was home on lunch yesterday. “I’m sorry this is all so unfair to you. I really wish it were different.” I replied that as long as he doesn’t want to die every day, I’m fine. He says, “But that’s the problem. I want to die. I won’t event ell the truth to the doc, either.” The next text said, “I’m lying when I say that I’m stable. You should never trust me.” Then, “Know that I’m sorry. No words can ever make up for the lies I’ve told, but you should know that my heart breaks for the things I’ve done to you. When I splat, I’ll be thinking of you.”

I drove out there immediately. He wouldn’t tell me where he was. After 48 minutes, his phone died and I found the police in the ER and asked them for help.

Here’s what he said to me during the phone call and after seeing him at the ER.

That he’d been planning this for a month.

That he’d stopped taking his medicine 5 days ago…and lied to my face about it.

That he tells his doctors that he is afraid of the morbid OCD thoughts, but he actually likes them. He wants to hurt people. He wants to hurt me. He mouthed, “I will fucking kill you” to me in the ER. He wished he’d slit my throat last night because that would have made dying today a lot easier.

That he hates me.

That every day when he wakes up, he wishes he’d died in his sleep. He has nothing to look forward to except cold, dark death.

That I’m cruel to let him go on suffering like this. His life is misery. That if I loved him, I would let him die instead of forcing him to keep living.

That the only goal he has been able to hold on to and motivate him to keep living is finding a woman. Nothing else has worked, even music which he wanted to work most of all.

That I should never trust him.

I don’t even know what to do. Why can’t I help him? WHY DOESN’T HE WANT HELP?????????????