Basically, just feeling sorry for myself

Five weeks and 6 days, in case anyone hasn’t been counting obsessively. And I’m just feeling sorry for myself today. Maybe that’s bad. I don’t know. Some days I do a good job of accepting my new fucking life, but other days (like right now) it’s much harder. This could very well have something to do with the fact that I just read over my paper journal this morning (it’s not fun to read). Or that I have another counselling appointment tomorrow. Or that tomorrow will be 6 weeks. But I don’t need to come up with a reason because the real reason is that my husband is dead and never coming back to me.

I want to figure out what I want to start DOING with my spare time. Lately I’ve been primarily hanging out with Ryan, which is awesome, but I keep wanting to get used to that which can’t be good. Because Ryan is not Matt, and I am not allowed to treat them the same at all, much as I want to. It’s so comfortable and familiar for me to be on the one couch watching something on the computer or sewing or whatever, and for Ryan to be on the loveseat playing Skyrim. I am in no way or sense complaining – I’m very thankful for it actually. But I feel like I ought to be finding other things to do. I’ll have to eventually anyway; I assume Ryan will quit wanting to hang out with me all the time. Before, I went to coffee shops and read and smoked cigarettes. I guess I can still do those things (minus the cigarettes preferably). Maybe I should. I’ve been meaning to start reading more again. Most of my memories of Cafe Coco are not shared with Matt, so obviously I would miss him but I don’t really associate that place with Matt.

Speaking of places I associate with Matt, I haven’t been to Aldi in over 6 weeks. I had to sit for several minutes at the traffic light at American and Charlotte yesterday, and I almost started crying because I couldn’t stop thinking of all the time we spent together at Aldi. I rarely went there by myself. I don’t know when/if I’ll go back.

I feel like I’m back to being a freshman in college almost. New life, new circumstances to become accustomed to, plus I have to start making new friends again. I remember forcing myself to participate with people when I was in college, and I don’t remember enjoying those times. I have changed since then though, so maybe it will be easier this time around. I can only hope.

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I'm a young, childless widow who is trying to figure out the best way to deal with the world in light of my late husband's suicide. It's harder than I ever imagined it would be, but somehow at the same time I am still alive and even happy sometimes.

4 thoughts on “Basically, just feeling sorry for myself”

  1. Thinking about you this afternoon. You have every right to cry in the car.
    Also, I think you and I were at Café coco when you first told me about Matt. Not to link them, or anything. But then, a lot of my memories of you from college days are at Café coco. 🙂


  2. I’m happy you have some comfort. You’re probably some comfort to him, too. Matt’s love is alive in you. People will want to be around that.
    As far as filling spare time, have you given any thought to maybe starting an Etsy shop? It can take up a lot of time, give you a reason to craft more, and of course, money.
    I’d be willing to devote a lot of time to getting you set up, if it was something you wanted to try. You are so good at the many things you do.


  3. First, Kroger is a wonderful store 🙂

    Second, I’ve determined that making friends is great! But sometimes I wonder if the introvertedness (i’m making that a word) and unease I feel in larger groups is just me. Why make myself uncomfortable? I mean, to an extent you HAVE to do uncomfortable things to meet new people, but I meet you and you are my friend and I wasn’t uncomfortable meeting you. Maybe God just puts people who are awesome together? So, basically, I’m saying that maybe you should continue to push yourself but not worry about it because friends and things and activities will come.

    Third, I really like Mar’s suggestion of an etsy shop. You are so, so talented, and could make a lot of really good money! Also, let’s start a craft night once a month. Something to look forward to? Inviting all the different people to come together? People bringing new people that we can meet?


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