Five weeks and 6 days, in case anyone hasn’t been counting obsessively. And I’m just feeling sorry for myself today. Maybe that’s bad. I don’t know. Some days I do a good job of accepting my new fucking life, but other days (like right now) it’s much harder. This could very well have something to do with the fact that I just read over my paper journal this morning (it’s not fun to read). Or that I have another counselling appointment tomorrow. Or that tomorrow will be 6 weeks. But I don’t need to come up with a reason because the real reason is that my husband is dead and never coming back to me.
I want to figure out what I want to start DOING with my spare time. Lately I’ve been primarily hanging out with Ryan, which is awesome, but I keep wanting to get used to that which can’t be good. Because Ryan is not Matt, and I am not allowed to treat them the same at all, much as I want to. It’s so comfortable and familiar for me to be on the one couch watching something on the computer or sewing or whatever, and for Ryan to be on the loveseat playing Skyrim. I am in no way or sense complaining – I’m very thankful for it actually. But I feel like I ought to be finding other things to do. I’ll have to eventually anyway; I assume Ryan will quit wanting to hang out with me all the time. Before, I went to coffee shops and read and smoked cigarettes. I guess I can still do those things (minus the cigarettes preferably). Maybe I should. I’ve been meaning to start reading more again. Most of my memories of Cafe Coco are not shared with Matt, so obviously I would miss him but I don’t really associate that place with Matt.
Speaking of places I associate with Matt, I haven’t been to Aldi in over 6 weeks. I had to sit for several minutes at the traffic light at American and Charlotte yesterday, and I almost started crying because I couldn’t stop thinking of all the time we spent together at Aldi. I rarely went there by myself. I don’t know when/if I’ll go back.
I feel like I’m back to being a freshman in college almost. New life, new circumstances to become accustomed to, plus I have to start making new friends again. I remember forcing myself to participate with people when I was in college, and I don’t remember enjoying those times. I have changed since then though, so maybe it will be easier this time around. I can only hope.