Learning to pretend there’s more than love that matters.

I almost feel like I should maybe apologize for being too honest — but isn’t that what I’m going for here?

Last night I dreamt that Matt said he wouldn’t sleep with me because I was too ugly. When I asked for clarification (too ugly meaning too fat? or just too ugly in general?) he wouldn’t elaborate. Weird that I don’t really remember the context here — but it had something to do with us being separated for a while; he said this once we were back together. But seriously, brain, wtf? Why do you think I want to wake up with this on my mind, huh?

So to fight off feeling too ugly for sex, I showered and dried my hair and am EVEN wearing makeup today. Also I’m out of clean clothes so I’m wearing the dress I got for Anna Laura and Marshall’s wedding, which is mid-thigh length and making me feel slightly immodest (not the desired effect – just what happens when I have no clean clothes).

That’s what I get for not doing laundry, though.

Along with reminding myself that Matt thought I was pretty, I also was thinking about a line from an Indigo Girls song this morning — “Learn to pretend there’s more than love that matters” (from “Love Will Come To You” which was my mantra before meeting Matt). You know how everyone always says that as a single person, you should be focused on YOU and YOUR LIFE rather than being focused on finding a SO? And that if you can make your life into something you love without needing another person around, then when you do find someone else they will just enhance your current life rather than defining it (or whatever the other alternatives to “enhance” would be). I’ve always subscribed to this philosophy, but in the back of my mind I wonder if it’s actually true.

And I say that just because in the 5 years that I was with Matt, my life was just so many worlds better than it was before. It wasn’t doing things that made me happy — it was just being with Matt. Which sounds so weird, coming from such an introvert (who is almost happier by myself than with most people).

But I get nervous sometimes — what if I never find that level of happiness again? It’s safer to take the “bettering yourself instead of looking for love” path, since you have much more control over the outcome. But that’s really second best, isn’t it? I’m not sure if I’m depressed about this or not, though; there is plenty of happiness and contentment to be had by myself. And it IS true that “bettering myself” (I hate that term) will make me feel better in general and increase my self confidence (etc).

Well anyway. These are all the thoughts I had on the subject I guess.

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I was standing in front of Matt’s portrait last night and started crying. It was a new cry though – I wasn’t crying because I was sad that Matt is gone. I was crying because I was sad that life is so futile. We think we’re suck a huge fucking deal, but we aren’t. And Matt will be forgotten. I will be forgotten. Literally almost every single person who has lived, will live, or is alive now, will be forgotten. We will all die, and our bodies will turn back into dust.

I wish I knew what happened to our consciousnesses. Most of the crying was because I believe that they just cease to be.

I do not like the word “hump.”

Well guys. I am tired of pretending.

What this means is just that I don’t like having to think about what I say before I say it. Outside the context of work. I actually do like the fact that I can pretend to be a super cheerful happy customer service rep while I’m here. And really it isn’t that much of a stretch since I DO like being cheerful and happy. Pretending to be happy and cheerful can actually MAKE you those things, I know.

But still. It’s a lot of effort!! I do feel a tad guilty because I’ve been pretty antisocial lately. I got a little overwhelmed with people wanting to hang out last weekend which – as usual – meant that I did almost nothing with anyone.

Sometimes I wonder if it’s bad that it’s so easy for me to be a loner. Easy, and usually preferable. I mean, it worked great when I was married. As a single person though, it has come to mean that I just don’t see people during the week. Which….actually……..isn’t that bad. (I don’t think?)

In other news, I dyed my hair last night. It had been a loooooong time – I stopped because I got tired of driving to Green Hills for the henna dye. I sucked it up yesterday though, and got a several-month supply, so maybe I’ll let it grow out for real next time.

The quilt is not progressing as quickly as my new Skyrim character. Oh geez.

Milestones

I can now say with conviction that this day last year was worlds worse than today this year will be. Of course, there’s always the possibility that something worse than my husband dying could happen to me today, but it’s very very unlikely.

I’m back at work this Monday morning, and feeling kind of normal and blah. The weekend was very good, which was a surprise to me (given which weekend it was). I took Friday off, and spent all day with Katie and Ryan. We hiked Hidden Lakes in the morning, then got breakfast/lunch at Wendell Smith’s, then migrated to the Brewhouse and McKay’s after. It was a good day. On Sunday, I got up and hiked by myself at Beaman Park. It was wonderful. I’ve decided that solo hiking is one of the best things in the world.

The weekend was as full of distractions as I wanted it to be, but I also had plenty of time to think and reflect. I have no profound insights to offer from those times though – ha. Instead of my own insights, I thought I’d just share these two quotes.

I put this one on FB on Friday, but it’s just EXACTLY how this last year has felt. Actually, I’ll tack on a few extra lines, too.

Every day
I play in repertory the same
script without you, without love,
without audience except for Gus,
who waits attentive
for cues: a walk, a biscuit,
bedtime. The year of days
without you and your body swept by
as quick as an afternoon;
but each afternoon took a year.
(from “Letter After A Year” by Donald Hall)

While I’m at it, here’s another thing I keep meaning to share (but couldn’t remember where I’d read it until recently).

“The book also says that coping with difficult times is like being in a conical shell-shaped spiral and there is a point at each turn that is very painful and difficult. That is your particular problem or sore spot. When you are at the narrow, pointy end of the spiral you come back to that situation very often as the rotations are quite small. As you go around, you will go through the troubled time less and less frequently but still you must come back to it, so you shouldn’t feel when it happens that you are back to square one.” (From Bridget Jones’s Diary heh.)

Let’s see here.

I’m in a weird mood, so we’ll see how this blog entry goes. (Weird mood = somewhere between contentious, lazy, and bloated [as feel have gained 10 pounds in the last 36 hours])

First of all, I had a great weekend, which was surprising but very welcome. Friday, which was Valentine’s Day, was great. I did have a “date” thing I guess, whatever, but also my boss got married that day which helped my mood incredibly. This boss has two kids and was divorced, and married a guy who has three kids and is divorced. And she is the sweetest person in the world — and was just so, so happy on Friday (I saw pictures). Just seeing their happiness made me feel better.

Saturday was productive — I cleaned the house which was long overdue, and then hung out with Katie that night. Yesterday I pretty much stayed home except for a trip to Target for necessities (e.g. cat food and litter) and to Aldi for groceries. Made some peanut butter cookies which are probably the reason I feel like I gained 10 pounds since Saturday night. Ugh.

I’m brainstorming things to do on Friday. I’m taking the day off, and Katie and Ryan are also off, so I’m planning on spending all day with them pretty much. Going to do a day hike and then go to Wendell Smith’s for breakfast. Past that, I’m still planning.

So Anna Laura made a comment that made me want to say something. I feel like people are kind of nervous or afraid to talk to me about Matt and all the surrounding events. Maybe they’re afraid of being triggers or something – I’m not sure. But… let me put it this way. For Matt to suddenly disappear from my life last February was horrible, but for him to also disappear from conversation and everything else just makes it that much worse. Does that make sense? He’s gone, and I can’t help that. But it makes his absence even more poignant and worse when people are afraid to talk about him. So PLEASE don’t EVER hesitate to bring him up around me, or to ask me questions, or to make comments. I miss him so much, and for people to avoid talking about him makes the missing worse, not better.

I kind of want to put that on FB, but that would be too much attention. So anyway, there you have it, and tell your friends. I’m not afraid of my past and I’m not afraid of integrating it into my present and future.

trying to keep my head up

It’s a bad month. However, I’m feeling more in control of myself than I was on Tuesday, so that’s good. This passage from the Tao is giving me peace today.

The Master does his job
and then stops.
He understands that the universe
is forever out of control,
and that trying to dominate events
goes against the current of the Tao.
Because he believes in himself,
he doesn’t try to convince others.
Because he is content with himself,
he doesn’t need others’ approval.
Because he accepts himself,
the whole world accepts him.

stability

sometimes I feel like the thing I hate the most is my lack of (perceived) stability at times. when Matt was alive, even when he was in the hospital or not doing well, I still felt basically stable and grounded and assured of his love for me. I knew that as long as he was alive, he’d be with me.

now though, not only do I realize that I am never really assured of stability, but I also don’t have anyone in my life who is committed to loving me as much as Matt did. there are two sides of that coin; on the one hand, it means that I could pretty much pick up and go anywhere – I have no real roots in Nashville anymore except Katie. on the other hand, this makes me feel like I’m drowning sometimes. or like I’m drifting in the ocean, and am affected by everything that causes a current near my life. I have never been good at accepting and embracing instability.

sometimes I feel like withdrawing from everyone except my closest and dearest friends, and spending more time in the woods. I’m going to try to at least spend time in the woods this weekend. I know the woods – they are my friends. they have always been there for me, and always make me feel better, and I feel at home in them. in the woods, I almost feel more whole than I do when I’m at home.

I’m starting to feel like I’m blogging too much.

The only reason I don’t want to blog too often is because I suspect that my entries are less interesting – mostly because I’m writing to write, rather than writing to communicate a precise idea (or whatever).

But whatever. No one’s forcing anyone to read this, so oh well.

Last night I was able to work on some piecing (this is the prototype so far). Tried doing the knight after I was mostly successful with the bishop, but the pieces are soo small.

bishop

Anyway, so last night was awesome because I got to sit at home sewing and watching Dexter. Saw the last episode last night, finally. I cried. But was satisfied.

Oh, I also spent part of the evening listening to the Ken Ham/Bill Nye debate, which was less infuriating than I had expected it to be. I felt like both men were professional and kept away from logical fallacies like stupid ad hominem arguments. I also felt like they both said exactly what I would have expected them to say, and my opinion on both sides of the argument remains unchanged – as I imagine is true for most people. Nevertheless, it was interesting to me just because the creationist issue has been a big one for me in the past, and because Bill Nye and Ken Ham were both pretty much household names for me growing up.

I miss face-to-face conversations about this stuff. I miss Matt. Fuck. I really do. He had such a brain.

Sometimes I feel like I need better outlets for things, like bouncing thoughts and ideas off of people.

Decided on something!

I’ve decided to tackle the quilt I’ve been planning to make using Matt’s clothes. And I’m getting excited about it! I wish he was here so that I could consult him, but I’ll have to make do with internet commentary.

So my basic plan is to put a chess board in the center of the quilt, and put a scene from a famous chess game on it. I’m thinking that I’m going to do the last game of the world championship match in 1927 between Alekhine and Capablanca. The internets seem to indicate that Capablanca played a fatal move (#26 Qxb7) – so I thought this might be a good scene to recreate. I chose these guys because they are some of the Grand Masters I remember Matt mentioning most frequently.

Then, with the pieces that have already been removed from gameplay, I’ll probably applique them to the margins of the quilt (remember, chess board is in the center). Man it’s going to look so good. I’m excited – I’d much rather be home right now cutting fabric (than at work).

But it’s OK, because I don’t have much planned for this week so I should have plenty of time to cut and plan and sew. Since I finished my map quilt (which was last spring) I haven’t really had a steady project. It’s about time that I start a new one. Geez.

Anyway, I felt like I should let you all know since I bitch so much about not being motivated to work on any projects. Somehow I forgot that I love to quilt. Huh.