I think this is what happened.

I had a few people over on Sunday for lunch — made ham, deviled eggs, mac and cheese, yeast rolls, green beans, etc. I didn’t go as “all out” as I sometimes do – it was very casual. But still, I hadn’t had any sort of brunch or dinner party since Matt died, and I kept thinking about how he wasn’t there. He wasn’t there to help, to play the games, to be my co-host.

UGH. Yesterday wasn’t great, but I was hoping I’d feel better by this morning. I don’t, but I could have done something about that last night. I could have exercised or cleaned my kitchen instead of watching TV and drawing.

It’s best for me to be able to ignore this while I’m at work, but ignoring it all the time isn’t so great. This is never going to “be better” though, is it?

Easter Monday

I miss Matt so much today.

It’s a gorgeous spring morning, and god damn I just wish Matt was here. For as much as I can and do enjoy the life I now I have, man sometimes it still just doesn’t seem to compare to life before.

Right after he died, I remember thinking that I need to create new memories with places/things I only associated with Matt, and I’m still doing that. Cooked a bunch yesterday and had a couple of people over…and it was just full of reminders that Matt wasn’t there. I wish it made sense for me to get mad at him and to cry about him. Both of those things are just so pointless because in the back of my mind, the outcome I’m wanting is just for Matt to be back and to apologize. Which, obviously, will never ever happen.

But……I have to be productive and get to work. I wish Matt was still alive. I wish I could text him about my day and look forward to being with him at night. Will this ever go away?

Stuff and stuff.

– This is my first week doing sales stuff at work.
– I hate learning new jobs and feeling insecure because I don’t know what I’m doing or feel comfortable doing it.
– I do feel more comfortable than I did on Monday though, that’s for sure.
– Got my own direct phone line yesterday at work, heh.
– It’s good to have reason to remember that change is good for you, right? Especially when that reason involves bonuses based on how easily you can adapt to the new situation.
– Ryan is having to deal with some health issues. I’m not going to say anything else here except maybe reference to my above point about change being good for you.
– I have been missing Matt this week. It comes and goes. He got a notice from some pensioner’s fund associated with Vanderbilt, and the same day I got a reminder than the warranty on my car is expiring. Both pieces of mail mainly served to remind me that I’m alone.
– But I’m less alone than some people. I do have friends. Which is good.

If I pretend today is Monday, tomorrow will be a pleasant surprise!

Man I’m horrible at titles.

I’m at work and am bored, so this. Though I don’t have anything hugely important to say.

The guy in the cubicle next to me makes me wonder sometimes. He’s an older guy (think aging hippie type) and he basically sits at his desk and mutters under his breath most of the day. Sometimes he just laughs. Sometimes he complains to no one. Sometimes he hums. Sometimes I swear that he mocks other coworkers when they cough or laugh or just make too much noise. At outward appearances, he seems like a very sweet guy. But man, sitting next to him makes me think that it’s all a show and that he’s really a very bitter person.

Anyway, that rant because he was just mocking someone a few cubicles over because she was laughing too loudly. WTF.

Oh well! I don’t let it get to me. I’m not bitter.

It’s been an interesting few days. Chris’s funeral was on Sunday, and to be honest, I cried more than I did at Matt’s funeral (which isn’t saying much since I barely cried at Matt’s, but still). I felt a little guilty because I didn’t know Chris all that well, so the emotions that it brought up were related to missing Matt, to feeling sorry for myself, feeling sorry for Emily, feeling sorry for Chris’s parents. I guess that’s OK though. Emily was in town yesterday too, so we went out for dinner and drinks (along with her brother and Amanda’s fiance). Talking to Emily brought up some emotions that I haven’t felt in quite a while (I guess this is what you call a “trigger”…), but it was good. Not fun, but good. There’s comfort in knowing that as shitty as it gets, you aren’t alone. It’s not the comfort we’re looking for, but it’ll do.

Sometimes I still get mad because I can’t trade these life lessons and maturity back for Matt.

In other, less depressing news, Joel’s actually coming to Nashville tonight. Like, who thought it would ever actually happen?!?! The plan thus far is to do a month as a trial period, to make sure he can get a job and that we don’t want to kill each other and all that. I told him he could have the library but that I wasn’t going to be moving any of the furniture, heh. Except the chair — but I keep forgetting about that. Maybe I’ll do that tonight. Uncle Ross is driving Joel up and apparently they’re stopping for groceries and making dinner! Which just sounds awesome!

Last piece of news. There are still people who I see every day at work whose names I still don’t know. What’s worse is that they all seem to know my name. Don’t tell anyone, please. It’s kind of embarrassing.

Coming back

I thought we were going to be able to get through the whole vacation with no traveling drama — but no.  I was proven wrong.

The flight from Dulles to BNA should have been smooth-sailing……but for whatever reason, we had to go through a complete security check after arriving in DC – even though we had all literally just gotten off of the airplane and had gone through security in the UK.  The flight got in around 8:30pm, so their staff was already slimmed down.  Customs didn’t take too long to get through, but the security check was awful.  Katie got into the left line, and I got into the right line; she made the flight, and I didn’t.  I don’t know if you can imagine me running through an airport, but I definitely did.  By the time I got to the right gate, I was about 5 minutes late and soaked in sweat. 

Luckily……they were able to find me a seat on a flight leaving at 7 the next morning.  So I spent the night in the airport.  It was pretty awful. 

But all’s well that ends well, right?  I made it back safe and sound, didn’t lose or forget anything, and I’m glad to be home.

Here are a few pictures that I never put up.


In other news, one of my friends has joined the dead husband club — he killed himself yesterday afternoon.  This is a friend who used to be a coworker at B&C, and she and I and Amanda used to hang out all the time.  This is the friend who gave us the Lucilles.  She had moved back home (with husband and baby) a year or so ago so we haven’t been in touch lately, but I always felt a connection with her through – if nothing else – the fact that we both married suicidal men. 

I wish I didn’t know how she felt.  It’s day two for her, which makes me think back to day two for me and how utterly horrible it all was.  “Utterly horrible” feels like an understatement.  To be more accurate, I’d say that the Me who lived with Matt died when he did, and the whole last year has been my struggle to revive and redefine myself and my life. 

Anyway.  I should go back to work.