The most random things will make me want to cry. For example, my boss just took two new sales reps around to meet all of the customer service reps, and she told them I’ve been here almost a year and have just been amazing and that they’ll be sitting in my cube at some point while they’re here training. Obviously that’s a flattering thing for your boss to say, and I just want to text Matt to tell him about it. He would be pleased for me.
But I can’t…so I guess I’m telling all you people so that you can be pleased for me, too. It’s a whole lot better than nothing, after all. 🙂
I want to go to Target after work. I’ve bought new clothes lately though, and even though I could use some stuff like a new broom, cat treats, and some Tums, I feel like I shouldn’t be spending money. Annoying. Maybe I’ll just stay home and work on a new quilt or something. I need to keep going on that feather quilt. Maybe I’ll do that. I guess we’ll see. I used to like being single because it meant that I could do whatever I wanted to, and whenever. Now it just makes me sad. I have to fill out a new life insurance beneficiary form and I have no idea who to list. No idea. I don’t like any of this.
Well, actually, I am still glad that Matt isn’t suffering anymore. I guess I like that. It takes a whole lot of unselfishness to say that.
Ohhh sighhhh….Monday mornings are still pretty shitty. I’ve stopped myself from sending some arbitrary texts already today – I don’t have anything to say really, I just want to text Matt but can’t. So I guess that’s why I’m blogging now.
As recently as 6 weeks ago, I would go to work in the morning and view 5:00 as the finish line when I could stop sitting in my cube and go home to my favorite person. The finish line isn’t as appealing anymore, but being home is still better than being at work so I’m trying to come up with some stuff to do this week. Mostly – when I stay home anyway – I’ve been just watching TV and keeping the house clean. Doing some reading – No Time to Say Goodbye and Without – but I only like reading a little at a time from those books. They’re not very easy to read. I had been re-reading the Two Towers before Matt died, but I haven’t felt compelled to pick up that book again yet.
Anyway. So I need to start exercising when I get off work. And I’ll need to start getting out and doing stuff, too. Before, this wasn’t a problem because I would spent almost all my free time at Cafe Coco. I don’t have as much motivation to go out there these days, not to mention the fact that I live further away now. What do single people do? What do introverted single people who aren’t necessarily looking for a new boyfriend do? Join clubs? Extracurricular activities? I could find a suicide survivor support group. I could start inviting myself to people’s houses for dinner. I don’t have to meet new people right now; it’s probably sufficient for me to learn how to reach out to the friends I already have.