Blech.

I have somehow waited until the absolute last day to get my emissions test and renew my tags. Oops. This is what you call “Don’t hide the registration renewal letter.” I accidentally remembered it last Friday. Thankfully, I do have time to renew them, though that doesn’t mean I won’t necessarily get pulled over until the tags come in the mail. Blech.

Had a good weekend overall, which is not why I’m writing. I’m writing because I so much prefer this over making phone calls. If I don’t get a huge bonus after this quarter, I’m going back to customer service (or finding a job working at Cheekwood – damn that would be awesome). Only a huge bonus would make up for how much I dislike my job now. On top of not liking to talk on the phone, I also feel kind of guilty trying to upsell things like Styrofoam. I know that I’m making SOME progress but it’s really hard to be motivated when I am so not motivated by things like money. I really do not like being annoying or being pushy at all, and in my experience, sales reps are almost always either annoying (nice usually, but still annoying) and pushy.

I went to Home Depot yesterday and got three different kinds of basil, and six different succulents. I now I have basil growing in my library, and succulents scattered throughout the house. They’re looking pretty cute. When Joel was staying here, several plants ended up dying because they were in the library and not getting watered, so now I’m feeling much better about my houseplants. Cleaned the kitchen/living room yesterday as well which always help me feel good.

I took a couple of pictures of my new terrariums but they look so-so (the pictures) and I’m not posting any.

In lieu of spending any money this week, I think I’m going to re-dedicate myself to exercise – whether it be hiking in the evenings, or staying home and doing DVD workouts. Much cheaper and more gratifying in the long-term to do this.

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Sometimes I think I blog because I don’t want to bombard people with random and unsolicited texts. Especially at 8:30 in the morning. And the reason I’m hesitant to sent that kind of text all the time is just because if I don’t get a reply, I feel sad. So this is better since I don’t really expect replies (though they are welcome and cherished).

Anyway. So I was able to knock out the lawn and the laundry from my to-do list yesterday. Didn’t dye my hair though, which is OK. It’s not like it really looks bad. It just doesn’t look red.

This morning though, I’m realizing that since the weather has gotten hot, I’ve gained some weight. Because instead of wanting to get up on a weekend morning and go hiking, now I just want to stay in bed with the a/c on and the fan blowing directly on me. I guess it’s not all THAT hot in the mornings, always, but still. I should really get over my aversion to hot weather though, as long as it’s just going to keep getting hotter.

The thing I learned the most from my solo hiking expeditions this spring is that I can certainly turn off my brain and just get stuff done without thinking or being miserable. With hiking, all I have to do is move one leg in front of the other. With yoga, I just have to be still and breath. With cleaning the kitchen, I just have to clean the damned kitchen. So I’m sure that I could overcome this hatred that I harbor for hot weather. It’s just going to take some umph.

That said, I can’t exercise tonight anyway because I have dinner plans. And gaming plans the day after. But maybe I’ll get up Saturday morning and go to Beaman Park. Maybe before it’s too hot. I’ll just have to remember to bring a bottle of water.

To Do List

Today.

I need to…..

Mow the lawn. Each time I plan to do it, it rains. I have the worst timing.

Laundry. Towels AND clothes. I’m about to start drying off after showers with a hand towel.

Dye my hair. My drab brown roots are showing. Dyeing it will definitely make me feel better about it.

In unrelated news, hung out with my Russian friend last night and watched this movie called My Joy. It’s an apt but misleading title, as the movie is anything but joyful. I really, really liked it though.

So yeah, that’s all. Mostly I wanted to record the to-do list so that I’ll be more likely to do it all.

Summer is quite officially here.

As we all know, summer is my least favorite season, and in fact it is one of my least favorite things in general. Instead of mowing my lawn last week when I had time, I waited until Friday; unfortunately for my lawn, it rained Friday afternoon. So no lawn-mowing that day, or the rest of the weekend for that matter. Sure I could have done it at SOME point over the weekend. But……meh. My neighbor’s yard is about as bad as mine, so I’m not too worried about it yet. (If he mows today though, it’ll make my grass look about 200% higher, though.)

But really who cares about how frequently (or not) I mow the lawn?

I had a productive weekend despite my ambivalence toward lawn care. On Friday, instead of taking care of the lawn, I cleaned and re-arranged the furniture in the library. This was BY FAR the best thing I did all weekend. Joel’s stuff had been scattered all over the floor until Friday, and because clutter like that make me feel bad I was just keeping the door closed. But that made me feel bad too because I love that room!! So, since I haven’t heard from Joel in, oh, like, a while, I decided to put all his stuff into the closet and make the room usable again! OH it looks so much better. I should have taken a picture or two. Oh well.

So having that room clean motivated me to clean the rest of the house (sans garage). Did general cleaning stuff on Saturday some (while also hanging out with a friend that afternoon, then seeing Elvis Costello at the Ryman that evening), but the thing that really makes the house look clean is that I mopped the floors yesterday. This may not seem like a big deal to people who mop their floors regularly (as I believe one is supposed to do). The linoleum in my kitchen is the most stupid color ever (white) and at some point I just gave up trying to keep it white. I could not believe how filthy my mop water was yesterday after mopping it, though; nor could I believe how white the linoleum was.

Anyway! After cleaning up a couple of friends came over to hang out. Which was nice.

I’m on the up-swing socially, which just means that I’m feeling less introverted than I was a few weeks ago. I guess this makes me feel better about myself. Though other things do that too — like cleaning my house and getting exercise. (Which hasn’t been happening as often as it was before the weather got all blastedly hot.)

Here are a couple of pictures to make this entry more interesting. I find that visuals help, even though these aren’t really related to anything I’ve blabbed about yet.

1) Ryan came over with the kids last week (?) and this is a picture of Jared blowing (?) a bubble. Pretty awesomely huge bubbles.

2) Went to Brewhouse with Philip last week and took a picture of my cheese fries. Oh SO much cheesy carby goodness.

3) Did I mention that I’m in Amanda’s wedding next month? So all the bridesmaids (minus Amanda’s little sister) went out last Wednesday and this is three of the five of us. Had a great time even though I ended up leaving shortly after taking this picture. Highlight of the evening: having our tab comped at Cabana’s by Amanda’s boss, and using that as an excuse to buy this fucking awesome copper mug (embossed with “Tito’s Vodka” or something like) which is not pictured.

photo (2)

photo (3)

photo

standard entry, not very exciting

Obviously, I haven’t been writing enough lately. Sorry. This week has been another of those overly social ones, where I spend time with people every evening and then remember after a few days that the reason I feel dreadful is because I’m introverted and need a break. So that’s what I did last night. Stopped by Fat Mo’s after work for dinner, which I ate in bed while watching Grand Budapest Hotel. OMG it was such a good movie. After I finished that I wanted to stay in bed watching Wes Anderson movies for the rest of my life, so I put in the Darjeeling Limited. Also such a good movie. But after finishing that one I just went to sleep. Maybe more tonight.

Another consequence of being social during the week is that my lawn is, yet again, rather overgrown. Going to mow tonight, blah. Also going to clean my kitchen and bathroom, which always seem to be dirty somehow. (The magic of entropy!)

Lately I’m trying to curb my irresponsible spending habits which means not buying new clothes. I’m re-remembering that this is a not-any-fun habit to break. Even if I manage to avoid going to Target for a few months (thankfully, Publix sells everything I NEED from Target and nothing that I just want — e.g. clothes and shoes and DVDs and the like) — there’s always internet shopping. Plus I’m in a wedding here in a few weeks and have been shopping around for a dress, with no luck. Well….I shouldn’t say NO luck. I did find this really adorable sun dress that’s way too casual for a wedding (if you’re in it) and the wrong color anyway – but I went and bought it regardless. It’s SO adorable. Wish I was wearing it today! I think it’s too casual for work too though.

I’m going to see Elvis Costello at the Ryman tomorrow BTW. 😀

I think that I need to be reading more poetry.

I also am thinking about putting all of Joel’s stuff (which is currently scattered all over the floor of my library) into trash bags and stowing them in the closet so that I can actually use that room again. I mean hell, as long as he’s not renting it or anything, why not? I really miss that room!!!

Anyway. There’s your update. Back to work now. Good thing it’s Friday.

missing

Ugh. was re-organizing my wallet and found one of those pictures from our marriage party at the Brewhouse, October 2010. When I say “found,” I mean I’ve had it in the pocket meant for a driver’s license, so it’s not exactly hidden.

It continues to be so very annoying and disruptive to allow this kind of thing to affect me — especially in the middle of the day while I’m at work, which is where it generally happens. Perhaps because I’m less distracted at work? I don’t know.

If I felt like a broken record complaining about all of this last year, I really feel like one now. Which is part of why I haven’t blogged as much lately; I just don’t really have anything new to say.

Also,

May 31st was the 2 year anniversary of my having to take Matt to the ER for the first time. I was going to blog about it, but ended up staying busy all day and it slipped my mind. This is an entry from June 4th 2012, though.

*************************

My husband, the man who has been sharing my bed and home and life for the past five years, is in a psychiatric hospital after trying to kill himself four days ago.

I need an outlet for my thoughts and feelings – one that can handle more honesty than my in-laws or parents or friends can or should. Not that I necessarily want to even have to face all that honesty by myself, but I feel like I shouldn’t deny or ignore the realities of my thoughts and feelings.

I don’t feel like going over all the details of what happened on Thursday, and I don’t think all the details are important anyway.

I’m crying less. I guess that’s good, though it doesn’t mean that I feel any less sad, lonely, desperate, or depressed than before. It just means that sobbing so much gives me a headache and dehydrates me. And there’s no one around to rub my back and neck anymore when they hurt, so I might as well try to avoid things that make them ache more.

My biggest, biggest, biggest fear is that he’ll feel the same when he comes home, and try to kill himself again like he promised he would over and over on the day I drove him to the ER. I don’t think he’ll make his goal of 10 days since I doubt they’ll release him from the hospital before then, but I’m sure he can lengthen the deadline as needed. I’m afraid that I won’t be able to tell when he starts feeling this way again, since he’s so adept at pretending that he’s fine when he’s anything but. And I, in my utter foolishness, pretend that he actually is fine, since I don’t want to face the reality of the pain and horror that’s underneath his façade. But my oblivion doesn’t help anything. I keep telling myself that none of this is my fault………but a little voice in the back of my head also keeps whispering that maybe if I had been more dedicated to helping him stay focused on being healthy, maybe we wouldn’t be here right now.

I can’t imagine losing my husband. That’s a lie – I can imagine it, and it’s the most horrible thing I’ve ever imagined. So much worse than giving up my baby for adoption. At least she’s alive and happy and I can feel good about that decision. If I was to lose my husband…. How do people cope with that kind of loss??? I’m having a hard time motivating myself to do the mundane but necessary things in life as it is – how much worse would it be if I didn’t have the hope of getting my husband back???

Surprisingly, I’m doing a pretty good job of not taking his suicide attempt personally. I know that it’s the abuse that is making him hopelessly depressed, and the drugs his psychiatrist has been randomly prescribing haven’t helped. I know that it’s not me. But this also makes me feel helpless to help him at all. All I can do is go visit him every day, as much as he will let me, and let him know that I love him and will not abandon him (as he has expected me to do ever since we got together). I can prove him wrong. But I can’t make that help him feel better. I hope that it will…but I have no control over his brain chemistry.

I feel pretty useless overall right now. I don’t even know how to make myself feel better – let alone him. Everything that I do, everywhere that I go, something reminds me of him and makes my heart ache with missing him. I’ve been trying to avoid being home by myself, but I can’t get away from missing him.

Should I be blogging right now?

I’m having a weepy morning at work. I don’t feel like I’m good at this job yet — and I’m definitely not enjoying it. I should not be blogging right now; I should be calling people to try to get them to buy more stuff from me. I just don’t care about making money – I mean, as long as I have enough. I don’t care about making extra money. I would like it so much if I didn’t feel like my soul was being anesthetized every day at work by the muted colors and the fluorescent lights.

I have felt lacking in the friends department lately. I know that it’s my responsibility to make sure that I’m socially fulfilled, but it’s hard sometimes. Missing Matt is hard, too. Every time something isn’t ideal, I miss him. Every time I feel needy but don’t want to take that out on my friends, I miss him. Every time I don’t have something planned for after work on a weekday, I miss him.

Dawn posted a song on my FB wall a week ago or so, and the chorus says “It’s gonna be alright.” I was thinking about this yesterday… and you know, seems like serenity might come from being able to redefine “alright.” (Yeah yeah, I’m spelling it the way I want to spell it today.) When it comes down to it, we all die. Life on earth does not last forever. I can accept and be at peace with the knowledge that “alright” means that I’m going to die but my life can still be good. I just need to re-adjust my attitude about what “alright” entails.

Easier said that done.