I hate not being able to do anything to fix this or make it better. It’s like all I can do is sit here and soak it all in, and it’s not fun.

I’ve been drawing pictures of Matt. I don’t know if it’s beneficial or just making me more inclined to start crying, but I guess I’m “enjoying” it because I keep doing it. I miss his face so much. Oh my god.

I just want the days to pass quickly so that maybe a better time will come, but the time is going so slowly. I always wanted time to slow down when Matt and I were together because I never got tired of being around him, but it flew by then. I guess I’ll look back on the happy memories fondly at some point, but now they just make my whole body ache. I’m trying not to feel hopeless but some hours are harder than others.

I miss my other half like I had some limbs amputated. It’s so, so wrong and it hurts.

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Tuesday.

Over at Matt’s aunt’s house with family. It’s nice to have all of these people around and I’m trying to let myself soak in the love from everyone. It’s…good, but hard because everything is hard. Today has actually been slightly better than yesterday but I’m still very much an emotional roller coaster. I miss my husband so so badly.

I am continuing to fight guilt. I KNOW that I did all I could. I know that Matt knew that I love him, whether he was mentally able to accept that or not. One of our most recent conversations about his depression was a few weeks ago and I told him that it was okay for him to let himself be loved by me – because he knew that I love him. He started crying. I am so sorry that I couldn’t do anything else. Even though it was the disease and nothing that I could control anyway.

I can’t help but think that if I hadn’t dragged my feet so much when he wanted to focus on exercise. I had no idea how important it was to him then. I wish I had made him exercise once I realized what it meant. There are so many things that I think I should have done differently now. I wish I had woken up earlier on Thursday and made him lunch – maybe I would have seen the gun. Or if I had remembered to stick in that love note I had written for valentines day but left at work. Or if I had gone with him to meet his friend on Wednesday night – the night he “borrowed” the gun – then wouldn’t he still be alive now?

I feel like I could have done more to help prevent this. But the truth is, even if I had been able to help him manage his symptoms (and I know that I did help), I couldn’t cure his disease. Oh how I wish he had been able to keep hanging on, but I am also so glad that he isn’t suffering and in pain anymore. I can’t fathom the pain that he was living with every day. Some days were better I know, but………

Regardless of all of this, my beloved Matt is dead now and will never be coming back to me. And I am trying to accept that fact. I want to DO something to fix all of this. I would do ANYTHING to have Matt back …but that is just not an option. I go from feeling grateful for having family around to just feeling so completely alone and destitute and broken. So completely alone, and destitute, and broken.

But I can’t deny reality.

Monday.

This blog has certainly taken a depressing turn. I can’t even bring myself to read any past entries.

The mornings are so hard. At night, I’m relieved to go to sleep; now I know why Matt liked to sleep so much – because it erases everything from your mind. But waking up is almost worse because now I have a brand new day with no Matt. No Matt. Just memories and smells absolutely everywhere I look. I just don’t want to keep going. I know that Matt wanted me to be happy though and maybe it would honor him somehow for me to pursue that. I just don’t care about anything except Matt right now. Such an enormous, gaping hole. My world is completely in pieces – am I am too.

Oh Matt. How do I keep going without you? My goals in life were to spend more time with you because I loved being around you so much. We were going to start exercising again and stop eating out and get healthier together. Now…I guess I have to do it alone. I just don’t care. I can’t believe you’re gone. We were going to buy some property and build a house together. We had just talked about adopting kids. We had SO much in front of us and I was so happy to be yours – and so happy that you were mine. These last 5 years have been the happiest of my life – I’ve never felt as loved and valued as Matt made me feel. Oh fuck. Thinking about the future without Matt just makes me want to die.

Oh Matt. I miss you more than I even thought was possible. You are my other half, and you’re not ever coming back to me.

Sunday.

Went to church with Matt’s dad this morning. All I could think about on the ride home is how much I wanted Matt to be waiting at home for me. I’m so thankful to have people around right now but there is still a huge void in my heart and I feel like NOTHING is going to fill it ever.

Oh Matt. Oh Matt. All I want is to be snuggled up with you right now, kissing you and telling you that I love you. I threw away your toothbrush this morning, sobbing. I can’t believe I’ll never wake up with you again, never take a shower with you again, never be able to kiss you again, never be tickled again. I feel so alone – even though my parents are here and I’ve been spending time with Matt’s family. So, so, so alone.

I just don’t know what to do. I don’t want to keep doing this. I feel so desperate and hopeless waking up each morning – to begin another empty, heart breaking day. I’m getting tired of crying all the time but there’s nothing else to do.

Oh, Matt. More than anything I want you to be at peace now. It’s what you wanted your whole life and fought so hard for, but in the end found unattainable. I’m so sorry. I wish I could have done more. I hope you know that I tried my HARDEST for you and that you meant EVERYTHING to me.

RIP, my Love

Matt’s dead.

My beautiful, smart, kind, sweet, wonderful husband shot himself on Thursday.

I…….I don’t know what to do or say. I feel empty and completely broken. I don’t want to feel anymore – this hurts so horrifically much. He’s never, ever coming back. I have to learn how to live without him. There is no “going back to normal” now because my beloved husband is gone. Dead.

EVERYthing makes me think of him. Driving down the road, going to the grocery store, being at home, being online, everything. He meant everything to me. How am I going to keep going?? I don’t want ANYTHING BUT HIM. How am I supposed to do this??! Fuck. FUCK.

I’m sorry…I know this post isn’t informative or good to read or anything. But whatever.

We were supposed to be taking a hike today and going to the bar for beers. We were doing better – I thought. I was so hopeful about the progress that we could make this year, and so hopeful that this year would be better than the last.

Now there are so many things we’ll never be able to do. I can’t believe it. But I can’t deny it either. He’s dead, and I am completely broken. I don’t want anything but my Matt back. Oh my God.