The most random things will make me want to cry. For example, my boss just took two new sales reps around to meet all of the customer service reps, and she told them I’ve been here almost a year and have just been amazing and that they’ll be sitting in my cube at some point while they’re here training. Obviously that’s a flattering thing for your boss to say, and I just want to text Matt to tell him about it. He would be pleased for me.
But I can’t…so I guess I’m telling all you people so that you can be pleased for me, too. It’s a whole lot better than nothing, after all. 🙂
I want to go to Target after work. I’ve bought new clothes lately though, and even though I could use some stuff like a new broom, cat treats, and some Tums, I feel like I shouldn’t be spending money. Annoying. Maybe I’ll just stay home and work on a new quilt or something. I need to keep going on that feather quilt. Maybe I’ll do that. I guess we’ll see. I used to like being single because it meant that I could do whatever I wanted to, and whenever. Now it just makes me sad. I have to fill out a new life insurance beneficiary form and I have no idea who to list. No idea. I don’t like any of this.
Well, actually, I am still glad that Matt isn’t suffering anymore. I guess I like that. It takes a whole lot of unselfishness to say that.
Last night went much better than I had been anticipating. I found the lady’s office with no problem at all (I’d driven by the building many times before going to Springwater or Centennial Park). She was very nice and attentive and asked me questions whenever I would stop talking. She seemed to be surprised that I was seeking out help so soon after Matt’s suicide – she kept saying stuff like, “This is so new, Erin.” She also seemed to think that I’m doing the right things to cope – staying in touch with family/friends (even if it’s mostly through this blog), reading, crying, seeing her, etc. So I was glad to hear that, as a professional, she thinks I’m doing as good of a job as can be expected right now. I actually felt a little better after the session (which was helped by the fact that Ryan isn’t having to stay in Dickson indefinitely, I have to say).
Today, at this moment, I am not feeling so terrible. I have plans for tonight (helping Ryan clean up his place in White Bluff) and plans for tomorrow (hanging out with some old B&C coworkers). I’m not sure what I’ll be doing this weekend yet but I’m looking forward to being able to sleep in, anyway. I still constantly miss Matt but right now it isn’t making me so depressed.
When I got home from work yesterday, there were two packages on my front door – some flowers (thank you Vanny!! 🙂 ) and some books that I’d ordered from Amazon. The books are Crocheting on the Edge because there’s an awesome (https://picasaweb.google.com/107633384795586606813/MANTELLEPONCHO4#5386792157984952770) pattern for a blanket in there which I’m going to make with some yarn that Helen bought me. The other book is Without by Donald Hall. It’s a collection of poems that he wrote about his wife (Jane Kenyon)’s death. I’m really liking it so far and might post something here eventually. We’ll see.
Anyway, this is starting to seem very rambly to me and I don’t feel like proofreading and revising, so I’m done for right now.