and he died six weeks ago

My husband (his name was Matt) was the only other person I’ve let read this blog. He’s gone now – stuck a gun in his mouth and blew his brains out – and I’m again blogging for myself because I need to get it out but am starting to feel so repetitive and annoying on my other blog.

People are such a let down. Matt let me down. My friends and family have stopped calling and writing. Matt’s family seems to have gone back to normal – except his brother (bless him). I’m sure Matt’s parents don’t feel normal yet, and I know them well enough to know that I shouldn’t expect them to always reach out to me. But… I am still reeling from this sudden and 100% unwelcome life change, and I am nowhere near back to “normal.” I don’t think “normal” will ever be the same for me, anyway. Lately I spend the evenings drinking with Ryan, or watching TV, which is typical enough but not nearly as enjoyable as it used to be. I get restless and lonely, even with Ryan sitting on the other couch. I crave human contact. I hate only having the cats and my blankets to keep me warm.

My LIFE WAS MATT. Maybe it shouldn’t have been…but I did everything with and for him, pretty much. I did a lot for me because he didn’t care (e.g. cleaning the house), but he was always around to keep me company and remind me that he loved me. I was so happy with him. Maybe I acted foolishly, I don’t know; I do know that I don’t regret any of my time spent with Matt. All I regret is not being able to spend more time with him.

I miss him just as much as I did 6 weeks ago (OK, 5 weeks and 6 days). I feel like a broken record, which I probably shouldn’t let affect me, but it has been anyway. I know I’m surviving, I’m healing, I’m still alive and moving every day. I can’t believe that’s the most positive thing that I can come up with right now.

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I'm a young, childless widow who is trying to figure out the best way to deal with the world in light of my late husband's suicide. It's harder than I ever imagined it would be, but somehow at the same time I am still alive and even happy sometimes.

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