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I didn’t write last week on purpose. And I don’t have much to say this week either.

For as pitiful as I’ve felt over the last couple of weeks, I’m doing a great job of not collapsing into despair or anything. I like being melodramatic here. I hold myself to a certain standard of minimal bitching and no pity parties when I’m around people, but a part of me wants to be able to let go of my self-restraint and ask for pity or love or whatever. Does that make sense? Part of me wants to be an attention whore, but my only outlets for that are Katie/Mom, and this blog. When I make melodramatic statements here, I usually completely mean them.

My brain isn’t working well enough to write today…..

Oh, and happy Halloween. Woo hoo.

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I don’t feel beauty the way I used to. I hope this is temporary. Beauty used to arrest me, almost taking me by surprise. Lately though, when I notice something beautiful, I react one of two ways – if it reminds me of Matt , then all I can think about is him; otherwise, I just feel kind of numb. I know I should be moved by beauty…but I can’t force it.

I hope this goes away soon.

Hm.

I feel compelled to write, even though I don’t have anything particular to say. Maybe I’ll make a list. Of things I’m looking forward to.

– Getting off work so that I can go home, even though I have no further plans
– Going to see Ender’s Game in the IMAX
– Chris Thile is playing with the Nashville Symphony in February and I am determined to go, even if I have to go alone
– Making a trip to Porter Road Butcher which just opened up on Charlotte (and this also means that I’ll never have to go to Green Hills again, unless I need more hair dye…so I might just let it be brown and drab the rest of my life)
– Hanging out with Philip again so that we can exchange back rubs

OK, so it’s a short list, but it’s something.

I had a surprisingly productive evening last night, which consisted of washing a load of towels, and cleaning my kitchen. I am always amazed at how much better I feel after I make myself get up and clean something – or exercise – or anything productive. I also feel like I have expressed this sentiment about a million times on this blog. I try to have new thoughts…sometimes….

Thirty five weeks ago, I had been a widow less than 24 hours

Am I actually intelligent? Does the fact that I’m self-aware enough to admit a lot of my shortcomings make me any smarter than people who never examine themselves? What about the fact that I usually let reason and logic trump emotions – does that make me smart?

I find myself wanting to withdraw into myself even more than I already have. At the same time, I crave the comfort of being near people who love me. I hate feeling like I have to perform all the time, which is exactly how I feel when I’m with people to whom I’m not very close. Even with Ryan and Katie I feel like I should try to be good company, unless I’m drunk and just don’t give a damn.

I need to find a goal or a purpose for myself right now. Before, it was creating a life with Matt. More recently, it’s been mourning. I’m starting to get enough distance between my present self and Matt that I feel like I should be making some new movement in new (or at least neglected) directions. I could re-learn Greek, for example. But what purpose would that serve? I could start painting or drawing again. I could pick up a brand new hobby. I could make crafts out of those game boards from Mar to make a little extra cash at craft fairs. Come to think of it, I should definitely be doing that.

In the past, I have felt most successful and accomplished when I do not have to lean or count on anyone else for help. When I can do shit by myself, I feel good.

I’m going to start forcing myself to take walks in the evenings. I know that I’ve said this before, but I mean it. And I’m going to start forcing myself to be productive in the evenings, instead of going to bed at 8pm and watching Sex and the City until I fall asleep.

Matt is so far away. He is becoming a part of my past — a part that I cherish and miss and remember, but nevertheless a part of my past. I’m glad that I’m feeling this so gradually, because I don’t think I could have handled it before. Obviously I still hate the whole situation, but it’s better than it was – and it’s better than it could be.

I went to bed pretty early last night and woke up right before my alarm went off. I was already feeling more depressed than usual (I don’t know why), so I got out of bed and took a walk around the block. Less than a mile, but the air was crisp and the sky was overcast and everything felt congruous with my mood. (Plus I read an email from a friend about “fat girl fetishes” before I even got out of bed, and feel that I need to work on not being so fat.)

So lately, I’ve had little desire to be social at all. It’s possible that I just don’t feel like expending the energy necessary to plan or think about social outings – after all, I was pretty sociable this weekend. I can just picture myself turning into a middle-aged miser who goes to work and then sits around the house reading or watching TV. This is extremely easy to picture, actually, because currently most of my weekdays consist of going to work, and then sitting around the house reading and watching TV.

This morning, while I was still in bed, I had a flashback to when I was living on campus at Lipscomb. I had forgotten that I used to get depressed there. I had no friends and no car, and even though I could walk to Green Hills I really only did that to go to the grocery store or the Donut Den. Plus I felt ugly and fat most of the time, and I never had any money. I definitely had some good days – I remember how I used to open the window in the dorm as far as I could, and watch Harold and Maude to make myself feel better….or the many times I would wrap up in my cloak and take a carafe of hot water plus a mug to a deserted place on campus to read. But…the depression I experienced then was circumstancial, and when I moved to West End I don’t remember it lingering.

I know that whatever depression I feel now is also circumstantial and I don’t expect it to linger for years, or anything. I’d very much like to get rid of it, though.

my life, I guess

I don’t know. The more new people I meet, the more I want to retreat into a hole of safety where the only people I ever talk to are close friends or family. No new people.

Also, I don’t want to date. I thought I did, but as it turns out – I don’t. Fuck that shit. Thankfully I haven’t lost anything other than time on these guys I’ve met.

Basically – the happiest I have EVER been in my LIFE was those years with Matt. Every single year. And I would love to be that happy again! I never would have met Matt if I wasn’t actively looking for something, someone. But there’s so much drama and so many scumbags out there — I don’t even know if it’s worth it for me to look right now. I doubt it.

What should I be spending my time on instead? Obviously, I should be trying to better myself…working out, eating well, reading and studying. These things will make me feel better, even. This stuff is not a waste of time.

almost November

Had another good weekend (how nice). Saturday was very low-key, and the most productive thing I did all day was wash the dishes — though that does count for a lot. On Sunday I went shopping with Mar; we went to Michael’s, Southern Thrift, Goodwill, and Great Escape – then got lunch at ML Rose and went back to my house to hang out. The shopping was successful and fun; I got a bunch of Halloween stuff at Michael’s, and found a Stanley Kubrick box set at Great Escape for a really good price. Got a few other odds and ends too.

After Mar left, I started reorganizing the kitchen, and so far I’m pleased with the results. I took down the bar that my pots and pans had been hanging from – only because I was trying to de-clutter the room, and having the pots/pans in a cabinet frees up a lot of space above the oven. I was kinda sad, but it’s not like Matt slaved over getting that thing up, so I didn’t feel too bad. It’s my kitchen now anyway.

blog - kitchen

I’m partial to my cutting board display. I found a lid rack at Southern Thrift yesterday, and figured that I could probably use it to hold cutting boards instead – and it works great! Also, I organized one cabinet and it looks great. I doubt that it will ever look this good again. I’ll probably get to the other cabinets tonight…or tomorrow…or next week….

blog - cabinet

My kitchen table is a complete mess, but it shouldn’t be too hard to clean up. Mostly it’s covered with random dishes that I don’t use and need to throw out.

Organizing my kitchen, getting the newspaper, being productive – these things make me feel like a legitimate adult. Thinking about dating makes me feel like I want to be single the rest of my life. I tell myself that Matt and I didn’t click immediately, but…that’s only kind of true. Then I tell myself to shut up and stop thinking about it.

thirty-four plus a day

I was not feeling communicative yesterday, and barely wrote anything all day long.

Fridays are always better than Thursdays though, if only because it means that tomorrow is Saturday. At the moment, I’m feeling very motivated to clean and completely re-organize my kitchen. This motivation came from a Le Creuset coffee press I bought yesterday which is now one of the prettiest kitchen accessories that I own. I’ll take some before and after pictures. I don’t know that I’ll really be able to re-arrange any of the furniture, but I’m going to re-vamp my cabinets and walls at least.

Unfortunately, I still have several hours at work before I’ll be able to start on this. I’ve been looking at Pinterest for kitchen ideas, but mostly it’s making me feel like my house is completely inadequeate and my kitchen far, far too small. Which is BS, because my kitchen is actually kind of big (for one person, anyway).

It’s going to look great when I’m done, though. Maybe when I finish, I’ll start planning a dinner party…. I could technically do a Halloween-themed dinner. Hm. That might be a great idea, actually (and a good excuse to buy skulls and other creepy decorations that I can use year-round, heh heh).

I’m feeling oddly restless today. I want to go do things that don’t involve sitting in an office. I want to love people, and to be loved. I want to feel wind in my hair and rain on my face. I want to spend the rest of the day in a forest with some paper and a pen.

Why am I so restless?