a little less weepy

Maybe the coffee helped.  Who knows.

Well, I just paid off the scooter and wrote checks to pay off Matt’s Vanderbilt bills.  Still have one more left to pay down because I don’t remember how much is left on that balance, but once I get another statement in the mail all Vanderbilt bills should be taken care of.  I think I felt my blood pressure rise as I was writing the two checks for Matt’s 2/21 visit.  I wanted to include nasty notes about how I can’t belive they’re charging me for that (apparently they intubated him when he arrived…probably nothing much else though); why would they have expected him to live with a gaping hole in his head?  On the other hand…I probably would have wanted them to try everything they could if I had been there, frivolous as I may have known it to be. 

But anyway.  Those bills are gone and I’m glad that I don’t have to look at them again.

It was a year ago yesterday that I had my little scooter accident.  I wish Matt was here to celebrate paying for the scooter in a year.  I wish he was here for everything though.

I’m reading this book called How To Go On Living When Someone You Love Dies.  I might have mentioned it here…can’t remember.  It’s really good. 

“It is not an easy task to withdraw emotional energy and investment from someone you love.  It takes a great deal of time and effort.  It means that all of your ties to that person — your needs for and your feelings, thoughts, memories, hopes, expectations, and dreams about that person and your relationship with him — all must be brought up and revived.  Then each one must be reviewed and felt.  In this way the emotional charge is loosened or defused.”  (231) 

“There are countless ways in which you can [keep your loved one alive through your own life and actions].  For example: Talking about your loved one; Acting on the values and concerns you took from him; Thinking about memories you have of him; Enjoying and appreciating life because of having known, loved, and been influenced by the deceased; Being and acting who you are because of what you were given by your relationship with this person. 

“All of these are ways of keeping your loved one alive through you.  Since he was a special part of you and vice versa, you actually are a part of him that contines to exist in the world despite his death.” (237)

Oh, life.  It’s not fair.  “In the face of all aridity and disenchantment love is perennial as the grass”; but it would seem that love is not the only thing perennial as grass.  I suppose that in the interest of looking at the glass as half full, I should acknkowledge and be grateful for the fact that as long as life will never be fair, at least there will always be love.

feeling weepy this morning

I miss Matt so much.  It hurts, all of it, everywhere.  Not constantly, but a lot.  I hate it when my mornings start like this, because it makes it harder to focus on work…or at least harder not to be distracted when I don’t have any work to do.  For some reason, I’ve been remembering the sound of Matt’s voice this morning, which is not a very productive thing to do.  Sometimes I want to go bury myself in a hole in the ground and never come out.  I won’t, but sometimes I want to.  That alternative seems better than never living with Matt again.  I had never been happier or more loved…..


Not feeling very imaginative this morning or I would have come up with a better subject line. Oh well.

I don’t have anything in particular to say, come to think of it. Just felt like I ought to write something since it’s been about 4 days…. So far this week has been better than last week. On Monday evening I got together with an old B&C coworkers, and then Tuesday evening ended up hanging out with the same coworker plus several other ones. Last night was uneventful; I cleaned the kitchen and did a load of laundry, then pretty much sat around watching Parks and Recreation first, then Wilfred second (Ryan picked Wilfred…not sure if I like that show or not…).

I’ve decided that I’m going to pay off all Matt’s medical bills (especially the ER bills from the 21st…@#$%&), and I’m going to pay off the scooter too. I haven’t decided for sure whether I’m going to sell it or not, but I probably will. Much as I like it and like riding it, I don’t know enough about it to maintain it properly I think. Plus I just don’t need two vehicles. It’s SUCH a cute scooter though. I’m loathe to get rid of it. We’ll see what happens though. Other than those bills, I’m just going to keep up with everything else and try to live off of my paychecks as much as possible.

I was thinking about this yesterday. Sometimes it makes me mad that Matt knew I’d be OK eventually if he killed himself. He told me so. And it also makes me a little mad that I knew he was right when he told me, and I remember feeling a little guilty denying it. Moving forward is really the only option that I have, but it doesn’t mean that I WANT to. And I know that Matt used his knowledge of my strength-of-whatever to help him feel less guilty about shooting himself. I don’t think that it would have helped for me to act weaker and more dependent on him, and that wouldn’t have been true to myself anyway, but it’s just another one of those things. Pointless to think about, but hard to ignore. *sigh*

Today, I have another appointment with my therapist lady. I feel like I should go into these sessions with something specific to say, but the biggest thing that’s happened since I saw her last week is the insurance money, and that’s not exactly upsetting me or anything. I know I’m not wasting her time because she’s getting paid and all that, but I feel like I should have more to talk about. Meh, whatever. I need to stop analyzing.

good news, I guess

got a packet in the mail from MetLife today. apparently I get Matt’s life insurance money that easily. more than anything, this is making me sad though – it’s just one more thing to finalize Matt’s death, I guess. it drives home the fact that he’s dead and never, ever coming back.

I want Matt so fucking much more than any amount of money.

Just past the 2 month mark now, as I’m sure you probably know.

I actually had a pretty good weekend – I was pleasantly surprised. I had dinner with a friend on Friday evening, which was nice because it’s a friend who I don’t see too often and I was happy that she thought of asking me to have dinner with her. After, I went to Cafe Coco and TRIED to sit outside reading, but it was pretty chilly and I could only handle it for about an hour before I got too cold and had to go home. (I don’t like sitting INSIDE unless I have to – I’d just as soon be home.) After Coco, Cathy came over for a bit and we chatted and watched some Sex and the City (I know…guilty pleasure…).

I had to get up Saturday morning and take Bitey to the vet. He’s had an abscess behind his left ear for a few weeks now, and it keeps acting like it’s healing but then he’ll scratch off the scab and it gets worse. I was afraid that he’d end up getting it infected so I bit the bullet and made him an appointment. The vet said that Bitey looked fine overall – no infection, no fever or anything – but she prescribed him some antibiotics anyway, and some anti-inflaminatory ointment. And a cone. Bitey is so mad at me. It was HILARIOUS watching him try to manouver on Saturday because he kept running into almost everything. He’s getting used to the cone now and isn’t running into quite as much stuff, but he’s also been just sitting on the couch acting depressed all the time, too. It makes me sad, especially since on top of having a cone around his head, he also has to take antibiotics. Poor kitty.

The kittens are being pretty nice to him, though really they’re ignoring him most of the time (which is the norm). Here’s a picture of them cleaning Bitey’s head for him though, since he can’t groom himself at all now.


Anyway. I spent the rest of Saturday hanging out around the house and doing some weaving. Went to the thrift store and then the Brewhouse with Mar yesterday, and that was also nice. I got some small items at Southern Thrift; I thought about buying a turntable/CD player they had for $50 but I didn’t. Not sure why. Maybe I’ll go back and get it; I’ve wanted a turntable for a long time – ever since Hope moved out and took her record player. I have lots of records but nothing to play them on. Hm. Maybe I will go back and see if it’s still there today.

Anyway. The weaving is coming along. Warping the loom was MUCH easier this time than it was the last time. Here are a couple of pictures just for the hell of it.


loom 2

Today I plan to get some cat food and more cat treats, refill my inhaler prescriptions, and clean up my house. If I have time leftover and no one around to keep me company, I might do some reading at Cafe Coco. When I was there the other night, I remembered why I always get so much more reading done while I’m there than while I’m at home (fewer distractions).

Anyway. Enough rambling.

eight weeks yesterday

and you know, I really don’t remember almost anything that happened eight weeks ago today.  Mom and Dad were here.  I think we went to Tammy’s at some point.  I have no idea what else.

It’s Friday, and that’s a good thing.  I’m taking Bitey to the vet tomorrow to have an abcess behind his ear checked.  Hope it’s not too expensive…I need to take the kittens to have them fixed, too.  Not doing that one tomorrow though.

Yesterday I saw my therapist lady for the third time (she had to reschedule my appointment last week).  It went fine.  She really thinks I’m doing comparatively great, and keeps forgetting that it has only been 8 weeks.  She basically told me that I need to be going out some, seeing friends some, crying some, laughing some, excercising some.  I’m pretty much doing all of those things – though not enough exercise at this point.  I’m going to try to start doing more yoga, at least to start. 

But anyway.  It continues to be good to hear from a professional that I’m doing fine.  Someone on the suicide survivors forum posted something along these lines – I never wanted a new life, but since my old one isn’t an option and this space I live in now is unbearable, I have no choice but to go toward my new life.

Yep.  Basically.  This is all horrible and awful and no fair and I don’t deserve it and I thought I was smart enough to avoid this kind of drama in my life.  But, tough shit, basically.  This is where I am now and all I can do is keep walking forward.  And that’s about all I have to say right now.


just a stupid political post….

I don’t get it.  It’s not like Obama is trying to take away guns.  He just wants there to be mandatory background checks for all potential gun owners, so that people (like Matt) aren’t able to buy guns.  I don’t understand why anyone is against this?!  Do YOU want mentally ill people running around with guns? 

Tuesday afternoon

I’m having a hard time focusing today.  I read this over lunch – “What needs to be done is for them to experience their pain, express it, and reminisce about the person who died.”  This is in reference to an appropriate grieving process.  I think that I’ve been – maybe subconsciously – trying to avoid the reminiscing because it’s just so painful.  I keep wanting things to just be better, but my feelings aren’t predictable and I can’t control them.  I read a few blog entries from spring 2010 and am just struck by how normal and calm and stable our life was at that point.  I was so happy in our little life, and blogged about very normal every-day things like cooking, cleaning the house, what I watched on TV or read, hanging out with Matt, etc.  I had no idea that in three years, I would be right here, mourning and grieving for my dear, wonderful, handsome, gentle husband.  I am absolutely incapable of putting into words how much I miss him, and how much it hurts me. 

I’m at work now so I really can’t be doing this…but just needed to get it off my chest, I suppose.  The loneliness and hurt can feel so all-encompassing sometimes. 

Looks like it’s going to be another gorgeous spring day.

I have a sticky note taped to my monitor – “Every step is a victory.” I’m trying to remember that this morning because I’m just feeling lost. I still want this to be a bad dream, but I know it isn’t. I want it to all be over so that I can be happy again, but the only thing that’s going to completely take this away is Matt, and that’s just flat-out impossible. This “walking through it” is absolutely no fun at all.

I’m going through the motions. I’m keeping my house clean. I re-potted the plants that were given for Matt’s funeral. I’ve been going out – some. I’m reading, and I’m crafting (some). I find myself wondering what the point is though, with no husband anymore. I know that I have myself now and that I can focus on making ME happy, but it’s really hard to care sometimes. Is it natural for one person to be able to determine your happiness like this, or was I too dependent on Matt? He was the first person in my life who treated me like I was the most special person in the world, and it was amazing and I loved it (and him). Once I learned to trust him, I latched onto that – because who doesn’t want to feel like you’re the most important person in the world to someone else, especially if you feel the same way about that person?

I feel like I’m having to re-adjust my whole worldview. You really can’t always trust people. You shouldn’t let one person define your happiness (which is easier said that done sometimes). Life is extremely transitory and fragile and fleeting. Some people live with pain so much worse than MINE, and some of them kill themselves but a lot of them don’t. Your peace and happiness and ordinary life can be interrupted and destroyed in a matter of seconds. You have to be able to accept and embrace unwanted change – fighting (at least in my current situation) is completely pointless and even harmful. How is all of this going to come together and re-form my worldview? I don’t know. But I’ll keep writing about it, as it changes.

I had a decent weekend. I went hiking at Radnor Lake on Saturday with Cathy, and I didn’t realize that there were more challenging trails there than that mulch-covered one. My butt is a little sore still, which is a good thing. 🙂 My cousin Laura has been in town this weekend to visit her grandmother, and she’s stayed with me the last two nights which has also been nice. I went to the Brewhouse briefly yesterday because some old friends of Ryan’s and Matt’s were there (I knew a couple of them). All in all, it wasn’t a bad weekend. I feel like something was missing of course (Matt), but I always feel like that.

Every time I think to myself that I just don’t know what to do, I look at that sticky note. Every step is a victory. It doesn’t matter too much WHAT I do, I just need to do it. Just keep going. Things have gotten better since February 21st, and things will continue to get better. Nothing will ever permanently “fix” this, but I do believe that I will be happy again. Some spring in the future I will be able to drive down the road with my windows open, and feel happy. Not this spring, I’m pretty sure, but that’s just something that I have to accept.

These sunny spring mornings, man…

I’m coming to see that I have to take my emotions as they come. I can’t control them, and they’re not going to flow according to any pattern that I’ve been able to make out so far. They just come, and I have to accept them and let them move through me. This is especially difficult when I get up in the mornings feeling so sad, and have to go to work and put on a happy face. Being at work is a good thing though; it helps this awful time to pass more quickly than it would otherwise, and it’s good for my self esteem to perform well at work.

It’s amazingly beautiful outside right now. We had rain all day long yesterday, but the clouds have gone off somewhere else and everything is bright and colorful. All the spring weather brings up so many longings, most of which are for Matt. It was this time two years ago that we went to Savannah and had such a blissful, happy trip. Last year I had just started a new job, and we were working on being more active by playing tennis and hiking and the like.

And now I’m just struggling to make a new life for myself out of the scraps of my old life, which I loved so much. I’m having to consciously plan activities for myself and schedule times to hang out with friends.

Matt will never be a part of my present life anymore. All that I have of him is memories, and there will be no new memories. It still seems absurd sometimes that he is dead. We did everything together. We were never apart unless we had to be. It hurts me so much that he’s gone.

I am starting to occasionally feel like I’m going to be OK. I think this is an improvement because up until recently, the best that I could say is that I hoped I would be OK; now I feel it sometimes though. If I’m not conscious of feeling this way, everything is fine, but once I become aware that I’m learning to live without Matt I get depressed again. Nevertheless, I can tell that at least I’m moving in the right direction – and so far as that goes, I’ve heard that any direction that I’m moving right now is the right one. I just need to be moving. And I need to remember that 7 weeks is barely any time at all to be able to grieve and heal.