and he died six weeks ago

My husband (his name was Matt) was the only other person I’ve let read this blog. He’s gone now – stuck a gun in his mouth and blew his brains out – and I’m again blogging for myself because I need to get it out but am starting to feel so repetitive and annoying on my other blog.

People are such a let down. Matt let me down. My friends and family have stopped calling and writing. Matt’s family seems to have gone back to normal – except his brother (bless him). I’m sure Matt’s parents don’t feel normal yet, and I know them well enough to know that I shouldn’t expect them to always reach out to me. But… I am still reeling from this sudden and 100% unwelcome life change, and I am nowhere near back to “normal.” I don’t think “normal” will ever be the same for me, anyway. Lately I spend the evenings drinking with Ryan, or watching TV, which is typical enough but not nearly as enjoyable as it used to be. I get restless and lonely, even with Ryan sitting on the other couch. I crave human contact. I hate only having the cats and my blankets to keep me warm.

My LIFE WAS MATT. Maybe it shouldn’t have been…but I did everything with and for him, pretty much. I did a lot for me because he didn’t care (e.g. cleaning the house), but he was always around to keep me company and remind me that he loved me. I was so happy with him. Maybe I acted foolishly, I don’t know; I do know that I don’t regret any of my time spent with Matt. All I regret is not being able to spend more time with him.

I miss him just as much as I did 6 weeks ago (OK, 5 weeks and 6 days). I feel like a broken record, which I probably shouldn’t let affect me, but it has been anyway. I know I’m surviving, I’m healing, I’m still alive and moving every day. I can’t believe that’s the most positive thing that I can come up with right now.

Basically, just feeling sorry for myself

Five weeks and 6 days, in case anyone hasn’t been counting obsessively. And I’m just feeling sorry for myself today. Maybe that’s bad. I don’t know. Some days I do a good job of accepting my new fucking life, but other days (like right now) it’s much harder. This could very well have something to do with the fact that I just read over my paper journal this morning (it’s not fun to read). Or that I have another counselling appointment tomorrow. Or that tomorrow will be 6 weeks. But I don’t need to come up with a reason because the real reason is that my husband is dead and never coming back to me.

I want to figure out what I want to start DOING with my spare time. Lately I’ve been primarily hanging out with Ryan, which is awesome, but I keep wanting to get used to that which can’t be good. Because Ryan is not Matt, and I am not allowed to treat them the same at all, much as I want to. It’s so comfortable and familiar for me to be on the one couch watching something on the computer or sewing or whatever, and for Ryan to be on the loveseat playing Skyrim. I am in no way or sense complaining – I’m very thankful for it actually. But I feel like I ought to be finding other things to do. I’ll have to eventually anyway; I assume Ryan will quit wanting to hang out with me all the time. Before, I went to coffee shops and read and smoked cigarettes. I guess I can still do those things (minus the cigarettes preferably). Maybe I should. I’ve been meaning to start reading more again. Most of my memories of Cafe Coco are not shared with Matt, so obviously I would miss him but I don’t really associate that place with Matt.

Speaking of places I associate with Matt, I haven’t been to Aldi in over 6 weeks. I had to sit for several minutes at the traffic light at American and Charlotte yesterday, and I almost started crying because I couldn’t stop thinking of all the time we spent together at Aldi. I rarely went there by myself. I don’t know when/if I’ll go back.

I feel like I’m back to being a freshman in college almost. New life, new circumstances to become accustomed to, plus I have to start making new friends again. I remember forcing myself to participate with people when I was in college, and I don’t remember enjoying those times. I have changed since then though, so maybe it will be easier this time around. I can only hope.