If I could just read a book while I was at work, I wouldn’t blog such meaningless sludge.  

Did I mention that I bought a new Chris Thile CD?  Well actually – I preordered his new CD (Bass & Mandolin with Edgar Meyer) and went ahead and ordered another one while I was there – Bach Sonatas and Partitas, Vol 1.  I downloaded the latter onto my work computer (because, you know, I bought it at work), then tried to download it straight onto my phone.  I tried doing this 4 times, and it would just not work.  I guess the file was too large?  I don’t know – stupid phone didn’t even tell me why it was failing me.  So I decided to just go home and download it onto an actual computer with iTunes.  Come to find out, I only had 5 available downloads and had already managed to “use” them all.  

THAT SAID, I’m listening to my other Chris Thile albums on shuffle now (the Inside Llewyn Davis soundtrack was too hard to not sing along with, so I had to switch to something instrumental).  I just love his instrumental music (can take or leave the stuff he sings on, heh).  Makes me want to go lie down in the middle of a forest or a field or anywhere away (or at least hidden) from civilization.  

Instead, you know, I’m sitting in a cubicle.  I bought myself some pink spray roses today which help some, but not a ton.  The atmosphere is not good for flowers.  I think I need an easy chair and a lamp, maybe.  Bamboo accessories?  (Do you know how much bamboo desk accessories cost??  There’s a reason I’m using the stuff that came with the desk.)

Anyway, I guess that’s all.  

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Coming back

I thought we were going to be able to get through the whole vacation with no traveling drama — but no.  I was proven wrong.

The flight from Dulles to BNA should have been smooth-sailing……but for whatever reason, we had to go through a complete security check after arriving in DC – even though we had all literally just gotten off of the airplane and had gone through security in the UK.  The flight got in around 8:30pm, so their staff was already slimmed down.  Customs didn’t take too long to get through, but the security check was awful.  Katie got into the left line, and I got into the right line; she made the flight, and I didn’t.  I don’t know if you can imagine me running through an airport, but I definitely did.  By the time I got to the right gate, I was about 5 minutes late and soaked in sweat. 

Luckily……they were able to find me a seat on a flight leaving at 7 the next morning.  So I spent the night in the airport.  It was pretty awful. 

But all’s well that ends well, right?  I made it back safe and sound, didn’t lose or forget anything, and I’m glad to be home.

Here are a few pictures that I never put up.

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In other news, one of my friends has joined the dead husband club — he killed himself yesterday afternoon.  This is a friend who used to be a coworker at B&C, and she and I and Amanda used to hang out all the time.  This is the friend who gave us the Lucilles.  She had moved back home (with husband and baby) a year or so ago so we haven’t been in touch lately, but I always felt a connection with her through – if nothing else – the fact that we both married suicidal men. 

I wish I didn’t know how she felt.  It’s day two for her, which makes me think back to day two for me and how utterly horrible it all was.  “Utterly horrible” feels like an understatement.  To be more accurate, I’d say that the Me who lived with Matt died when he did, and the whole last year has been my struggle to revive and redefine myself and my life. 

Anyway.  I should go back to work. 

yarn, flowers, mondays, etc

It’s been a pretty damned decent day so far. Currently I am listening to Chris Thile and drinking grapefruit Perrier at work. I have some yellow roses to replace the pink ones from last week (which started looking pretty bad yesterday).

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Went to Publix on my lunch break to get lunch and also do some miscellaneous grocery shopping. I really need to make a trip to Aldi to stock up on EVERYthing. Still have not been shopping there since before Matt died. I know it’s ridiculous for me to still be avoiding that place at this point. But, I don’t know, I just don’t want to deal with it. But Publix is SO much more expensive….

Anyway. I ordered a bunch of yarn online last week (found it for $3 less than I had been getting it from the local yarn shop…which I WILL continue to go to) and they’re supposed to deliver today!! It’s so much yarn and I’m excited! It’s going towards this medallion motif blanket-thing that I’ve been working on for a couple of months now. I’m realizing, though, that I need to start thinking about Christmas presents and stop thinking about making shit for myself. Blast. I keep starting projects and not wanting to give them away because they’re awesome. It’s a dilemma.

Anyone (besides Katie) want to come over to my house and do crafts with me? I haven’t been working on anything recently – except the crocheting that I keep at work. I have feather quilt stuff out, but need to cut more pieces which is for some reason holding me up.

Daffodils

Daffodils are possibly my favorite flower.  I love how they bloom while everything else is still dormant – heralding spring, as they say.  I have some in my front yard right now…so bright and cheerful.

I don’t feel like they’re mocking me exactly.  They’re still somehow hopeful…a sign of new life.  The problem is that I don’t want a new life.  I want my old life.  I don’t want hope – I want Matt.  This isn’t to say that I don’t have hope – or at least faith that I will be hopeful at some point in the future; it’s just that I get hung up on just not wanting this to be real.  I KNOW it’s real – there really isn’t any denying that.  But that just hasn’t changed how I feel about it… or at least my feelings don’t stay changed.  

I’m reading a book – No Time to Say Goodbye – by Carla Fine.  Subtitle is “Surviving the Suicide of a Loved One,” and in the author’s case it was her husband.  I’m really liking the book so far, and read this paragraph today –  “The pain is something you have to experience.  There is such a lack of control and there’s nothing you can do about it.  There is no answer.  Crazy things happen in our world, but you can’t dwell on why they’re happening to you.  It’s just romanticizing your situation.  With hope, you come to terms with it.”  These are things that I keep telling myself.  Sometimes they help (which is to say, make me feel better for a bit).  

I…just…don’t know what to say.