Finally

It’s his second night at home. I should be happy, I know – I was last night. But I’m actually still feeling neglected. Why? I’m not 100% sure, but I think mostly it’s because I feel like I care more about him than he cares about me. We’re both very selfish people of course, but I just feel like he should be more interested in ME to the exclusion of other things. As I think I am. But then there’s the question of how rational that is. Because he does pay attention to me and care about me – just not to the extent that I want him to. He’s over there asleep right now. It really makes me sad but I don’t think it should. Uggggggggh. How am I supposed to be rational but not apologize for my feelings at the same time???

Fuck.

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Day 19

I’m sitting here on the couch, having gotten home from work about 15 minutes ago, and I feel like shit.

I don’t want to feel like shit.  But I don’t know how to help it.

Maybe there is some resentment in there.  Why can’t my husband want to live? — it’s really not asking all that much!  Why can’t he appreciate me?  I do so fucking much for him.  Why can’t he be here for me when I need comfort, a hug, to have sex, a back rub, someone else to make dinner – really, when I need anything?

I need my husband.  I need him to tell me that he loves me.  Tell me that I’m doing an amazing job and that he’s proud that I’m his wife.  It’s not fair that I’ve been the strong one for the last year, and he’s been the one who’s focused on himself and only talks to me when I make him.

I know, I know.  Life isn’t fair.  Anyone who says otherwise is selling something.  (Goes for life being pain, too.)

But why does it have to be this way?  For my part, I feel like I’m doing a ridiculously good job of holding up the marriage bargain and that if I was married to me, we’d have a great relationship.  Sure, there would be fights and misunderstandings sometimes – there always are.  But there wouldn’t be attempted suicides and abandonment.

Fuck.

Third Friday night alone

He’s not feeling any better today. He asked me if I will cry a lot when he kills himself. He told me that I never should have taken him to the hospital. He told me that if I had just left him alone, it would have reduced my grief (since now I’ll have to deal with this again when he does die, was his implication).

He did call me tonight to tell me goodnight. I’m not sure what to take from that, but I want to believe that it’s a good thing.

I’m trying to be hopeful and look forward to his second and third treatments on Monday and Wednesday. I feel like I’m trying so hard to be as encouraging and positive and loving as I can, but it’s not making any difference. It’s upsetting.

I spent some time with his brother last night, who is also missing his spouse – but his situation is a divorce. He said that I should be angry at my husband for treating me like this. I agree that I don’t deserve to be treated like this; I think I do a pretty fair job of being the kind of wife I would want to have. I’m not angry at him… at least as long as he is not talking about how he still is planning to kill himself. Tonight after seeing him, I did want to hit something. I don’t understand how he could feel that way. It’s offensive. It’s like a slap in the face, only much worse.

Day 13

(part two)

I’m definitely not adjusting to sleeping without my husband.  That has been the hardest thing to get used to – and obviously I haven’t.  

So since I can’t go to sleep and am thinking about it anyway, maybe it will help to get the thoughts into actual words and sentences.  

First: when I visited tonight, he said that his doctor had told him that the best case scenario for his release from the hospital is that the first three ECT treatments will go perfectly and he’ll see such a marked improvement by next Wednesday (that’s right, a week from today) that he’ll be able to discharge him.  Apparently the doctor suspects that it will take more like 6 treatments until he feels comfortable enough with my husband’s improvement to let him come home.  This means that we’ll most likely move into his unpaid leave at work, which in turn means that we’ll be responsible for paying his insurance premiums.

Second: We talked a little about the day that he tried to kill himself.  He told me that he’d been in the attic while I was home on my lunch break.  

He went up to the attic right before I should have come home for lunch, which he knew because he’d asked me what time I take lunch a few days before.  I wondered why he had asked, but never suspected anything like this.  Did not enter my mind at all.  It scares me now to realize that he’d been thinking about doing this for a few days.  

My husband has some severe depression.  I didn’t realize – never wanted to realize, probably – how severe it is until all this happened.  I can’t imagine depression that deep; I suppose I should count myself lucky.  I feel more ineffectual.  

Third: and I have to keep reminding myself of this, but he reiterated tonight that none of this is my fault or about me at all.  He said that I have been nothing but wonderful this whole time.  I know that, but it’s good to hear him say it again.  No matter how hard I try to control my illogical emotions, they’re always bound to pop up anyway.  When I think – as I always do – that I wish I could do more to help him…well, I need to remember that I’m doing all that I’m capable of doing.  I’m being the kind of person who I would want to be married to, and I don’t know what else anyone wants.  

ECT

It’s been almost 2 weeks now.  He’s scheduled to receive his first ECT treatment tomorrow at some point – I don’t know what time.  This has left me hopeful but somewhat nervous, though I’m trying to focus on the first and dismiss the latter.  No amount of nervousness on my part (or anyone else’s) is going to help – if anything, it could cause harm.  So I’m trying not to imagine the procedure or the worst case scenarios.  I know they exist, and I’m content to leave it at that for now.  If they happen, I’ll deal with things at that point.  

I’m feeling more normal since he is feeling better.  I’m even hopeful that he’ll be able to come home soon — maybe even by the weekend.  I suspect that it will be more like Monday or Wednesday, though.  He’ll have about 3 days of leave left at the beginning of next week, which is also making me nervous since not only would it mean that we’d have to get by on only  my paycheck, but also that we’d have to pay his insurance premium until he could go back to work.  I’m really hoping that it doesn’t come to that, but I also don’t want to pressure him into going back to work before he is ready.  Just another thing that we’ll have to see about.

Funny how you never appreciate being healthy until something happens.  

Day 9

Just woke up.  Feeling fairly depressed.  Mom and Dad came over yesterday to take me to breakfast and help clean up the house and everything looks great now.  I wish they were still here though.  It was comforting to be around them.  Not a whole lot of other stuff has been comforting.  One of my friends wants to hang out later today, but I don’t know – I feel too blah to be around other people (besides my husband, who I’ll obviously be visiting).

Yesterday he wasn’t feeling good at all.  When I got there, he was obviously not trying to pretend to be doing okay, and when I left he said that he was basically too depressed to have any visitors.  I hope that’s a little different today.  At least tomorrow is Monday and he’ll be able to consult with the doctor on the possibility of ECT treatments.

I want this week to be over already.  I wouldn’t be sorry if the month was over too.  I know that time passes quickly … but not quickly enough when you want it to.

Day 8

It’s been over a week now that he’s been in the hospital.  I feel so terrible for him – I know he hates being there about as much as I hate him being there.  Ultimately, I’m sure he hates it more.  I’m very proud of him though, for signing himself in voluntarily – apparently you have to go to court if you are in a hospital involuntarily.  To avoid that, he signed himself in.  

His doctor mentioned the possibility of doing ECT treatments.  ECT stands for Electroconvulsive Therapy (or something very close to that anyway), and can apparently be very effective in chronic depressive cases where the patient is unresponsive to medication.  As my husband is.  He and I are both open to trying this procedure (procedures), so far.  It can cause memory loss, which I didn’t get the chance to talk to him about tonight (I was not his only visitor), but I’ll ask him about it tomorrow.  He prides his intelligence and it’s one of the reasons that I love him (though all the other reasons put together overshadow it, of course), and I would hate to see him lose any of that functionality.  I’m curious to see what he’s thinking about it though.

Today’s visit was kind of impersonal; as I mentioned above, I was not his only visitor.  Two of our friends also came to see him tonight, to play a strategy game together.  I got about 30 seconds alone with him (probably more like 2 minutes, actually) and that wasn’t long enough to do much more than tell him how much I love him and kiss him a few times.  I should get to spend more time with him tomorrow, though.  I’m looking forward to it.

I miss him so, so, so……………………..(sigh)……………………….so much.  There’s no one else who I really want to spend time with right now other than him.  I think of things that I’d like to do… and he’s the one who I want to do them with – not other friends or family members.  This is why I married him – because I like him best and want to spend the rest of my life doing things and living life with him.  

I wish he could feel how much I love him.  It is immense.   

Day 6

I feel like I’m in the middle of a battle for …my life, basically.  And I’m completely unable to do anything about the outcome.

CAN’T SOMEBODY HELP?!?!?!  PLEASE!!!!!!!?  WE NEED HELP.

I’m so discouraged.

He says that he’s tried so hard all his life to make things better.  He’s tried everything they tell you to do – make friends, stay active, eat right, think positive – all that.  But nothing helps, he said.  Something in his brain is missing.  He’s not capable of getting better, he said.  He’s weak and stupid, he said.

Can’t somebody help?  What am I supposed to do??  I try to tell him that I think he’s strong and smart and capable of getting better, but he throws it in my face.

Please.  Somebody help.

the blorst of times

things aren’t going so great. most of you know what’s up, but I’m not going to go into it here anyway. suffice it to say that things aren’t so great. in fact, you might even say that they’re pretty bad.

but I’m hopeful, most of the time, and plan to be productive in the coming days. not sure that it will happen today. I guess that’s the thing with productivity, though – planning doesn’t do any good. just doing it is what gets it done. meh. the dishes haven’t gone anywhere so far. they’ll be dirty tomorrow too.

I need to water my orchids. and fold the clean laundry. and the rest of the clean laundry on my bed. and put it away. and do more laundry. and mow the lawn. and clean the house. and stop eating fast food. and put away the stuff I bought at Goodwill on Sunday. and get some exercise.

I’ll get it done. most of it. soonish.