Six weeks and six days

I woke up this morning feeling so sad. Another day at work. Another day without Matt. Another day for me to learn how to deal with with my new life without Matt in it. The days passing is a good thing, I know, because time heals. I’m trying to be as positive as possible, but that really only goes so far.

Been listening to Matt’s CDs the last couple of days – mostly the mixed ones that he made for us. I’m sure that doesn’t help with my sadness, but it also makes me feel a little more connected to Matt. I don’t know if that makes me feel better or worse, since Matt is dead and I can’t really be connected to him…ever…again.

I just still wish that I could DO something. I know that I can’t, and sometimes I feel more peaceful and/or resigned to that than other times, but I haven’t been able to completely shake it yet. If only I could go back in time…even though that probably wouldn’t help or change anything in the long term. Who knows. And it doesn’t matter anyway. I just still have this huge wound that hasn’t completely scabbed over yet. I miss my husband so horribly much. I think that writing about it helps me feel like I AM doing something, somehow, insufficient as it may be.

I think I might be getting tired of being around people so frequently. I’m surprised that it’s just now hitting me, actually. This introversion is maybe one reason that I woke up feeling so depressed this morning – because being around Matt never made me tired. Other people require more conversation and engagement, but it didn’t matter with Matt. I have a couple of other friends who are this way too, but I can’t snuggle with them or kiss their faces.


I hope today gets better.

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I'm a young, childless widow who is trying to figure out the best way to deal with the world in light of my late husband's suicide. It's harder than I ever imagined it would be, but somehow at the same time I am still alive and even happy sometimes.

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