Looks like it’s going to be another gorgeous spring day.

I have a sticky note taped to my monitor – “Every step is a victory.” I’m trying to remember that this morning because I’m just feeling lost. I still want this to be a bad dream, but I know it isn’t. I want it to all be over so that I can be happy again, but the only thing that’s going to completely take this away is Matt, and that’s just flat-out impossible. This “walking through it” is absolutely no fun at all.

I’m going through the motions. I’m keeping my house clean. I re-potted the plants that were given for Matt’s funeral. I’ve been going out – some. I’m reading, and I’m crafting (some). I find myself wondering what the point is though, with no husband anymore. I know that I have myself now and that I can focus on making ME happy, but it’s really hard to care sometimes. Is it natural for one person to be able to determine your happiness like this, or was I too dependent on Matt? He was the first person in my life who treated me like I was the most special person in the world, and it was amazing and I loved it (and him). Once I learned to trust him, I latched onto that – because who doesn’t want to feel like you’re the most important person in the world to someone else, especially if you feel the same way about that person?

I feel like I’m having to re-adjust my whole worldview. You really can’t always trust people. You shouldn’t let one person define your happiness (which is easier said that done sometimes). Life is extremely transitory and fragile and fleeting. Some people live with pain so much worse than MINE, and some of them kill themselves but a lot of them don’t. Your peace and happiness and ordinary life can be interrupted and destroyed in a matter of seconds. You have to be able to accept and embrace unwanted change – fighting (at least in my current situation) is completely pointless and even harmful. How is all of this going to come together and re-form my worldview? I don’t know. But I’ll keep writing about it, as it changes.

I had a decent weekend. I went hiking at Radnor Lake on Saturday with Cathy, and I didn’t realize that there were more challenging trails there than that mulch-covered one. My butt is a little sore still, which is a good thing. 🙂 My cousin Laura has been in town this weekend to visit her grandmother, and she’s stayed with me the last two nights which has also been nice. I went to the Brewhouse briefly yesterday because some old friends of Ryan’s and Matt’s were there (I knew a couple of them). All in all, it wasn’t a bad weekend. I feel like something was missing of course (Matt), but I always feel like that.

Every time I think to myself that I just don’t know what to do, I look at that sticky note. Every step is a victory. It doesn’t matter too much WHAT I do, I just need to do it. Just keep going. Things have gotten better since February 21st, and things will continue to get better. Nothing will ever permanently “fix” this, but I do believe that I will be happy again. Some spring in the future I will be able to drive down the road with my windows open, and feel happy. Not this spring, I’m pretty sure, but that’s just something that I have to accept.

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3 thoughts on “

  1. Yes, someday I know you will be able to think back on the time you shared with Matt as the beautiful, short gift that it was….until then, just keeping taking those steps. I’m glad you had a good weekend…..I was thinking of you.

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  2. Some spousal dependency is normal. That’s why the loss is so devastating. 😦 I’m glad to hear you’re doing better here and there. There is so much hope in your future.

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  3. I love this post too, and I love your sticky note. I have a quote on my bathroom mirror, “She is clothed with strength and dignity and laughs without fear of the future.” I think those small reminders are wonderful. The whole relying on yourself for your happiness resonates with me too. I’m actually really proud of you for doing things. There are a lot of weeks where I don’t do ANYthing at all. You are my wonderful friend.

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