Not feeling very imaginative this morning or I would have come up with a better subject line. Oh well.

I don’t have anything in particular to say, come to think of it. Just felt like I ought to write something since it’s been about 4 days…. So far this week has been better than last week. On Monday evening I got together with an old B&C coworkers, and then Tuesday evening ended up hanging out with the same coworker plus several other ones. Last night was uneventful; I cleaned the kitchen and did a load of laundry, then pretty much sat around watching Parks and Recreation first, then Wilfred second (Ryan picked Wilfred…not sure if I like that show or not…).

I’ve decided that I’m going to pay off all Matt’s medical bills (especially the ER bills from the 21st…@#$%&), and I’m going to pay off the scooter too. I haven’t decided for sure whether I’m going to sell it or not, but I probably will. Much as I like it and like riding it, I don’t know enough about it to maintain it properly I think. Plus I just don’t need two vehicles. It’s SUCH a cute scooter though. I’m loathe to get rid of it. We’ll see what happens though. Other than those bills, I’m just going to keep up with everything else and try to live off of my paychecks as much as possible.

I was thinking about this yesterday. Sometimes it makes me mad that Matt knew I’d be OK eventually if he killed himself. He told me so. And it also makes me a little mad that I knew he was right when he told me, and I remember feeling a little guilty denying it. Moving forward is really the only option that I have, but it doesn’t mean that I WANT to. And I know that Matt used his knowledge of my strength-of-whatever to help him feel less guilty about shooting himself. I don’t think that it would have helped for me to act weaker and more dependent on him, and that wouldn’t have been true to myself anyway, but it’s just another one of those things. Pointless to think about, but hard to ignore. *sigh*

Today, I have another appointment with my therapist lady. I feel like I should go into these sessions with something specific to say, but the biggest thing that’s happened since I saw her last week is the insurance money, and that’s not exactly upsetting me or anything. I know I’m not wasting her time because she’s getting paid and all that, but I feel like I should have more to talk about. Meh, whatever. I need to stop analyzing.

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I'm a young, childless widow who is trying to figure out the best way to deal with the world in light of my late husband's suicide. It's harder than I ever imagined it would be, but somehow at the same time I am still alive and even happy sometimes.

2 thoughts on “9wks”

  1. I think you should keep the scooter, at least a while longer….it’s just now getting nice enough to enjoy riding! And there’s nothing wrong with having something that you enjoy just because….
    From what I can tell, you loved Matt in the most healthy and real way, because you chose to, not because you needed him in some co-dependent way. Don’t feel bad about that as I’m sure he somehow knew he was the recipient of the truest kind of love….


  2. It sounds like you have a good plan.

    The therapist is probably used to getting you talk about things even when you feel like you have nothing to say.


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