Tuesday afternoon

I’m having a hard time focusing today.  I read this over lunch – “What needs to be done is for them to experience their pain, express it, and reminisce about the person who died.”  This is in reference to an appropriate grieving process.  I think that I’ve been – maybe subconsciously – trying to avoid the reminiscing because it’s just so painful.  I keep wanting things to just be better, but my feelings aren’t predictable and I can’t control them.  I read a few blog entries from spring 2010 and am just struck by how normal and calm and stable our life was at that point.  I was so happy in our little life, and blogged about very normal every-day things like cooking, cleaning the house, what I watched on TV or read, hanging out with Matt, etc.  I had no idea that in three years, I would be right here, mourning and grieving for my dear, wonderful, handsome, gentle husband.  I am absolutely incapable of putting into words how much I miss him, and how much it hurts me. 

I’m at work now so I really can’t be doing this…but just needed to get it off my chest, I suppose.  The loneliness and hurt can feel so all-encompassing sometimes. 

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I'm a young, childless widow who is trying to figure out the best way to deal with the world in light of my late husband's suicide. It's harder than I ever imagined it would be, but somehow at the same time I am still alive and even happy sometimes.

2 thoughts on “Tuesday afternoon”

  1. I think it’s nice to be able to write out the words and thoughts. I’m also sure that you’ll ready all of these posts in three years from now, and things will be different. Life is such and ebb and flow, but when you’re in it… you’re in it.


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