Tuesday afternoon

I’m having a hard time focusing today.  I read this over lunch – “What needs to be done is for them to experience their pain, express it, and reminisce about the person who died.”  This is in reference to an appropriate grieving process.  I think that I’ve been – maybe subconsciously – trying to avoid the reminiscing because it’s just so painful.  I keep wanting things to just be better, but my feelings aren’t predictable and I can’t control them.  I read a few blog entries from spring 2010 and am just struck by how normal and calm and stable our life was at that point.  I was so happy in our little life, and blogged about very normal every-day things like cooking, cleaning the house, what I watched on TV or read, hanging out with Matt, etc.  I had no idea that in three years, I would be right here, mourning and grieving for my dear, wonderful, handsome, gentle husband.  I am absolutely incapable of putting into words how much I miss him, and how much it hurts me. 

I’m at work now so I really can’t be doing this…but just needed to get it off my chest, I suppose.  The loneliness and hurt can feel so all-encompassing sometimes.