These sunny spring mornings, man…

I’m coming to see that I have to take my emotions as they come. I can’t control them, and they’re not going to flow according to any pattern that I’ve been able to make out so far. They just come, and I have to accept them and let them move through me. This is especially difficult when I get up in the mornings feeling so sad, and have to go to work and put on a happy face. Being at work is a good thing though; it helps this awful time to pass more quickly than it would otherwise, and it’s good for my self esteem to perform well at work.

It’s amazingly beautiful outside right now. We had rain all day long yesterday, but the clouds have gone off somewhere else and everything is bright and colorful. All the spring weather brings up so many longings, most of which are for Matt. It was this time two years ago that we went to Savannah and had such a blissful, happy trip. Last year I had just started a new job, and we were working on being more active by playing tennis and hiking and the like.

And now I’m just struggling to make a new life for myself out of the scraps of my old life, which I loved so much. I’m having to consciously plan activities for myself and schedule times to hang out with friends.

Matt will never be a part of my present life anymore. All that I have of him is memories, and there will be no new memories. It still seems absurd sometimes that he is dead. We did everything together. We were never apart unless we had to be. It hurts me so much that he’s gone.

I am starting to occasionally feel like I’m going to be OK. I think this is an improvement because up until recently, the best that I could say is that I hoped I would be OK; now I feel it sometimes though. If I’m not conscious of feeling this way, everything is fine, but once I become aware that I’m learning to live without Matt I get depressed again. Nevertheless, I can tell that at least I’m moving in the right direction – and so far as that goes, I’ve heard that any direction that I’m moving right now is the right one. I just need to be moving. And I need to remember that 7 weeks is barely any time at all to be able to grieve and heal.

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I'm a young, childless widow who is trying to figure out the best way to deal with the world in light of my late husband's suicide. It's harder than I ever imagined it would be, but somehow at the same time I am still alive and even happy sometimes.

3 thoughts on “These sunny spring mornings, man…”

  1. You’re so right about all this. You’re doing such an amazing job at dealing with this new life you’ve been handed. You will pull through and pull ahead. You’re doing such good things. I am proud of you.


  2. 7 Weeks is no time at all… so is 7 months or even 7 years when it comes to the loss of your husband. I can’t believe you had and are handling it so well.

    We should meet and go hiking sometime…. maybe this fall when it’s cooler. Elliott would like that too. So, I could do that whenever if he came with us!


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