Friday the 13th

Arbitrary (though accurate) subject as do not care one bit whether it’s Friday the 13th or 12th or 14th.

I woke up this morning oh so comfortably; I went to bed on time last night and got plenty of sleep, and got up one snooze before I normally do. (Is a “snooze” an amount of time? In this case, it’s 9 minutes.) I was dreaming about Matt when I woke up, but it was a really odd dream. For some reason, we were hanging out with our friend Dawn; Matt had gone to put on warmer clothes or something, and when he got back I got on top of him and held his face in my hands and asked him why he left me. All I remember is Dawn saying that she would have let him instead of trying to keep him alive and miserable here, and then I think I got up and punched her in the face. (Dawn, I doubt you’re reading this, but if you are rest assured that I don’t really want to punch you in the face at all.)

It was a better dream than the ones I usually have about Matt, because I knew while I was dreaming that he was dead.

The drive to work this morning was gorgeous – beautiful weather, lovely temperature, and it’s starting to feel like fall. I wonder if every good thing (like fall) will be bittersweet for the rest of my life, because I will always regret that Matt isn’t here to share it with me. That’s how it is now.

Guys, I’m not whole. I’m telling this to myself though, because it’s easy to get distracted and have a few good weeks and then remember that I’m still broken. Someone shared a quote with me (they weren’t sure who said it) – “Face what I feel now, and what I felt before but didn’t have the resources to feel.” Progress. I’m making it. Slowly.

I AM making progress. I got a new phone recently and had to figure out how to save all my voicemail from my old phone – including several from Matt which I hadn’t listened to in a long time but never want to delete. I didn’t listen to all of them when I was transferring them to the computer, but I did hear several. Of course, I can still hear Matt’s voice in my head if I try – which I don’t, because it always makes me cry. So I was pleased that I was able to deal with hearing the voice messages again. Of course they made me cry, but I did it anyway.

There’s so much of Matt all over my house. I went into the library to play my guitar a little yesterday but didn’t even pick it up because I was too distracted/overwhelmed by Matt. I lost so, so much when he died. I didn’t lose my future, but I lost the only future that I wanted – one with him.

But then I was listening to NPR this morning and they were interviewing some Syrian refugees, and the refugees were talking about how they can’t go home – they have no home left because their villages have been bombed. And that made me remember that I am SO privileged. I’ve lost my husband and my most preferred future, but I still have my house, my cats, my job, my family, my friends. I don’t want to downplay my loss(es), but honestly, just remembering that these Syrian refugees are PEOPLE just like I and everyone I know are, living with the same desires that we are, I feel so thankful for what I do have.

Anyway. Enough blogging.

last one for the day – I promise!

I just feel like an attention whore, leaving these two depressing posts up without following up. (so annoying that you can’t be an attention whore, isn’t it? because sometimes you just want attention!)

anyway. I decided to go to Big Lots on my lunch break to get some more dish clothes. my washing machine has been broken for a while, so every time I need clean clothes I have to manually agitate the load after it fills with water, and then wring everything out by hand because it won’t spin either. I definitely wear clean clothes, and I wash sheets and all, but towels are SO hard to wring out by hand. to boot, whenever I’ve washed towels they end up smelling bad when they come out of the drier. so…I have like no clean towels except the ones that are in use, basically. this is another reason I haven’t been doing dishes very frequently (last time I actually pulled out one of Matt’s socks and used it, heh).

so anyway, got some new dish clothes. then went to Publix and got some pink spray roses (SO pretty) and a salad for lunch. I don’t have plans for this evening, so I think I’m going to actually clean the house – not just straighten table tops to make things look neater. nope, probably going to blare some music and dust/scrub/wash/sweep/etc. I always feel SO much better when my house is clean, plus it gives me a sense of having accomplished something. I’m feeling more encouraged already. 🙂

again

like an hour after my earlier post, I’m too lazy to go in and edit that one – so new post.

I went to the Alliance of Hope forum (for survivors of suicide), which I hadn’t visited in a while. I went because I wanted to know if I’m trying to put too much pressure on myself to heal and be productive and active and happy, or if it’s OK for me to be this despondent 29 weeks in. the consensus seems to be that 6 months is practically nothing and that it’s still OK for me to not be “better.” makes me feel more better than worse, just to know that I’m still behaving normally.

I miss Matt so much. I miss having Matt to love me and be committed to me – the way that married people are committed. I want to text him and tell him that I’m depressed and need him to come hug me and tell me that I’m pretty and smart and his love. I’m crying more at work this morning than possibly ever before. so far no one has noticed though – this is the good thing about working in a cubicle. what would be our 3 year wedding anniversary is coming up in a couple of weeks – another day to dread. I don’t know if taking that day off work would be a good idea or a horrible, terrible idea.

everyone’s lives are all back to normal and everything, I know. maybe the Ralstons’ lives not so much – I don’t know. it’s hard to reach out to people when you’re depressed but need company. I don’t want to hang out with friends and just be moody all evening. the despondency doesn’t lend itself to being proactive anyway. I’m so thankful for my friends (like Katie and Cathy) who still reach out to me even when I don’t reach out to them as much – THANK YOU. I feel like I should be capable of telling people when I need them, but it’s always been a problem for me and when I feel like this it’s practically impossible. at least I still have two friends (sorry, I know that’s super melodramatic).

29

It’s been one of those weeks. Actually, last week was a little like this, too. For whatever reason (I think there are several at play) Matt keeps popping into my head; I’ll be driving along and suddenly – without seeming provocation – I miss him dreadfully. Or I’ll be sitting at my desk at work. Or hanging out with friends.

One reason that I’ve been more depressed this week is that I haven’t been forcing myself to be productive as much. Lazy as I am, productivity inevitably makes me feel better. I know, I shouldn’t be so lazy. But it’s so hard to make myself do stuff sometimes….

I really, really, really fucking miss Matt. It’s been over six months but I am not a whole person again yet – or at least I sure don’t feel like it. I know healing takes a long time…and I’m starting to be able to attest to that personally.

I could probably write more, but it wouldn’t be positive and I try not to be too negative at work.

something obvious, like my husband is dead

should I refer to him as my “late husband”? that just sounds weird – much stranger than saying “ex husband” or even “first husband.” neither of which are applicable to me.

lately I’m having issues motivating myself to do anything. fuck being healthy. fuck not drinking or smoking. I don’t enjoy sitting around in a dirty house doing nothing, persay, but who the fuck cares about anything?

I’m not wallowing in depression or anything. this is more despondency…which might be worse. at least I’m going to work. people probably would still tell me to go easy on myself, even though it’s been over 6 months now. fuck. I feel un-centered. I feel spread thin. I want to devote all my energy to Matt, but I can’t. so I don’t know what to do with it. buy shit? get drunk with friends? fuck? I just fucking want Matt. I don’t fucking want anyone else. just Matt. fuck.

I have to remember that just because I feel this way doesn’t mean that I am losing ground. it means that I have come across a trigger or something, and that I am normal. doesn’t mean I’m back to square one, or two, or five, or ten. no matter how much I feel like nothing’s going to ever get better.

Oh, blah.

Another Monday morning, hooray…..

You know, sometimes I feel free and glamorous and on top of things. Other times I feel like a big fat blob who might as well just live on the couch and become an actual hermit. This morning is kind of a mix of those, which is fairly typical for a Monday morning. Each Monday, I swear, I dread facing another week without Matt. Sometimes I feel like I talk about him too much. He isn’t always on my mind….just usually, especially if I’m alone. I donated some money to a fundraising drive for a suicide prevention hotline – the same one that Matt had thought about working for a few years ago. I don’t know what happened…but I guess I kind of do. Not much point in rehashing it all the time, but I can’t really help it.

It was a decent weekend. I need to make an effort to be more productive though, even if I don’t necessarily NEED to be. I just feel better about myself when I can get shit done, even if it’s stuff like cleaning out my car and washing the dishes.

This is one of those mornings where I want someone to just take care of me. I know I’ve complained about it, but I get tired of being strong. **sigh**

Maybe I’ll write something more cheerful later…..

Yay Friday…!

Plan for today inludes the following.

– Either take a nap or a shower on my lunch break. Probably nap.
– Take a walk when I get home from work (going to try to start doing this…my will power seems to fluctuate daily)
– Clean the house a bit
– Do some laundry
– If I take a nap at lunch, there will probably be a bath after work
– Maybe I should buy a bottle of champagne or something to go with the bath. Could use some more flowers too.
– Definitely buying champagne and taking a bath.

Confession – I have been watching the League, which I never thought would be interesting at all as it’s about a bunch of people on a fantasy football league. Surprisingly, it’s really funny. Post-bath I might watch this while doing my nails, or something.

This seems like a relaxing plan for a Friday night. Now it just needs to hurry up and be 5:00.

28

Have the weeks slowed down? Seems like 28 weeks isn’t a long enough period of time.

I’m still feeling like a little fish navagating a huge ocean, but I guess that’s kind of what’s going on so I shouldn’t feel bad about feeling this way. Makes it hard to be productive sometimes though. On Tuesday I started mowing the lawn and was going to TRY to get both front and back done, but wasn’t making myself any guarantees because I wasn’t feeling great (mostly just low-energy). Then Ryan showed up and decided to mow the whole front yard, so I went inside and washed the dishes. Clean kitchen AND short grass. It was good. Kitchen is still mostly clean….

Otherwise I haven’t been super productive. Lucille decided to spray all over my bed (because she’s a Seaward…or a c word…or whatever) so I had to wash that stuff, but that was out of necessity and I don’t really count it as productivity.

So I saw a Facebook post last night that I commented on. It was a whim and I wasn’t expecting any responses at all. I didn’t get too many, but I was kinda touched. Someone even said, “Thanks for these words, they gave me the force to keep up for today.” I’m not 100% sure what that means, but then my boss brought me this little quote from her Yogi tea bags that says “We are here to love each other, serve each other, and uplift each other.” (OK, addition of Oxford comma was mine.) Just another reminder that my life is one out of so very many, and we all have our own problems and concerns, and if I can help even a handful of people then I’ve done better than I could have.

Yep, aspiring to do better than nothing. 🙂 It’s the right direction for sure.

I really wish Matt was here so I could tell him all about what I’m learning from all this.