I just feel like an attention whore, leaving these two depressing posts up without following up. (so annoying that you can’t be an attention whore, isn’t it? because sometimes you just want attention!)
anyway. I decided to go to Big Lots on my lunch break to get some more dish clothes. my washing machine has been broken for a while, so every time I need clean clothes I have to manually agitate the load after it fills with water, and then wring everything out by hand because it won’t spin either. I definitely wear clean clothes, and I wash sheets and all, but towels are SO hard to wring out by hand. to boot, whenever I’ve washed towels they end up smelling bad when they come out of the drier. so…I have like no clean towels except the ones that are in use, basically. this is another reason I haven’t been doing dishes very frequently (last time I actually pulled out one of Matt’s socks and used it, heh).
so anyway, got some new dish clothes. then went to Publix and got some pink spray roses (SO pretty) and a salad for lunch. I don’t have plans for this evening, so I think I’m going to actually clean the house – not just straighten table tops to make things look neater. nope, probably going to blare some music and dust/scrub/wash/sweep/etc. I always feel SO much better when my house is clean, plus it gives me a sense of having accomplished something. I’m feeling more encouraged already. 🙂
like an hour after my earlier post, I’m too lazy to go in and edit that one – so new post.
I went to the Alliance of Hope forum (for survivors of suicide), which I hadn’t visited in a while. I went because I wanted to know if I’m trying to put too much pressure on myself to heal and be productive and active and happy, or if it’s OK for me to be this despondent 29 weeks in. the consensus seems to be that 6 months is practically nothing and that it’s still OK for me to not be “better.” makes me feel more better than worse, just to know that I’m still behaving normally.
I miss Matt so much. I miss having Matt to love me and be committed to me – the way that married people are committed. I want to text him and tell him that I’m depressed and need him to come hug me and tell me that I’m pretty and smart and his love. I’m crying more at work this morning than possibly ever before. so far no one has noticed though – this is the good thing about working in a cubicle. what would be our 3 year wedding anniversary is coming up in a couple of weeks – another day to dread. I don’t know if taking that day off work would be a good idea or a horrible, terrible idea.
everyone’s lives are all back to normal and everything, I know. maybe the Ralstons’ lives not so much – I don’t know. it’s hard to reach out to people when you’re depressed but need company. I don’t want to hang out with friends and just be moody all evening. the despondency doesn’t lend itself to being proactive anyway. I’m so thankful for my friends (like Katie and Cathy) who still reach out to me even when I don’t reach out to them as much – THANK YOU. I feel like I should be capable of telling people when I need them, but it’s always been a problem for me and when I feel like this it’s practically impossible. at least I still have two friends (sorry, I know that’s super melodramatic).
It’s been one of those weeks. Actually, last week was a little like this, too. For whatever reason (I think there are several at play) Matt keeps popping into my head; I’ll be driving along and suddenly – without seeming provocation – I miss him dreadfully. Or I’ll be sitting at my desk at work. Or hanging out with friends.
One reason that I’ve been more depressed this week is that I haven’t been forcing myself to be productive as much. Lazy as I am, productivity inevitably makes me feel better. I know, I shouldn’t be so lazy. But it’s so hard to make myself do stuff sometimes….
I really, really, really fucking miss Matt. It’s been over six months but I am not a whole person again yet – or at least I sure don’t feel like it. I know healing takes a long time…and I’m starting to be able to attest to that personally.
I could probably write more, but it wouldn’t be positive and I try not to be too negative at work.