I’ve felt somewhat better this week – which is to say, I have cried MUCH less and felt much less desperate. I think both of those things are good. Activity-wise, I haven’t done all that much…saw Ani on Tuesday, got sushi last night with a friend, hung out with Katie last Saturday, but otherwise it’s been a pretty low-key week. I’m reading the Ender series and am almost finished with book #3 (Xenocide), and I was telling Katie last night that I haven’t been this immersed in a fictional world in a long time. I’d almost rather stay home and read than go hang out with people – there are obvious exceptions of course, but just hanging out at home reading is kind of awesome. Plus, reading counts as productivity – in my book anyway. Pun not exactly intended.

Oh, life is still not what I want it to be, but I have to keep reminding myself that it won’t be for a while probably.

I’m trying to decide whether I want to decorate my house for fall or not. I might do some, like switching out the spring blossoms in the living room with fall leaves or something. I haven’t thrown a brunch or a dinner party in a long time…so decorating seems kind of pointless. I’m thinking about doing a Christmas party (a semi-annual seasonal gathering, I mean) which will hopefully motivate me to decorate for Christmas some anyway. Probably won’t get a full tree again this year though. Too depressing. Even though Matt never helped with Christmas decorating anyway – though I did get him to go with me last year to at least get the tree.

Fuck, I miss him so much.

Is it good that I’m learning these life lessons so comparatively early? I have no idea. I hope so. I really miss having a husband to go home to every day though. I miss being able to text him little love notes all day long. I miss being able to get a hug whenever I need one. I miss Matt….so, so, so unbelievably much (at least, he probably wouldn’t believe it – I do though). Five days until our wedding anniversary; granted, I always considered Thanksgiving day as being our real anniversary because that was the day I finally decided that I wanted to be in a relationship with Matt (ha…only like a month after we met…). But our wedding day was such a happy one. *sigh*

So anyway. I’m trying to be positive. Yes. So I think I might work on cleaning the house today (when not reading, of course) and maybe pull out some of the fall decorations. I wonder if I should be thankful for that time Matt spent in the hospital last year – because I had to basically do what I’m doing now, except I could visit Matt and write him letters. But otherwise, I had to fend for myself. I don’t know.

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I'm a young, childless widow who is trying to figure out the best way to deal with the world in light of my late husband's suicide. It's harder than I ever imagined it would be, but somehow at the same time I am still alive and even happy sometimes.

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