Month: June 2013

This last week (or two) has been rough.

I have felt extremely lonely. People are getting on with their lives, as I am trying to do with mine (or at least I’m trying to figure out how to get on with it, while persuading myself that it’s a good idea and really my only option). I have been alone more in the last two weeks than I have been in the last 3.5 months, and I hate it. I know that I need to get used to it, but I still hate it. I hate that not only am I alone – a single unit – but also that I have to struggle to feel loved. I know that there is a fairly large group of people out there who love me, but it’s hard to feel it when I’m all alone.

I am full to overflowing of longing. This depth of emotion is not unexpected, but is conflicting and I just don’t know how to deal with it. I don’t know what to do with the longing that I have for Matt; the longing that I have for anyone to love me; the longing to feel like I’m doing anything worthwhile; the longing to be happy and at peace again.

I’m re-reading The Heart Is a Lonely Hunter and am a bit over half-way through. It’s such a good book, but it’s sad. So many people are lonely, just like I am. Why is it so hard for us to come together and help each other?

This rollercoaster ride of emotions is getting annoying. I think I’m getting dizzy. One week I’ll feel kinda happy and encouraged and hopeful and loved, and the next week I’ll feel depressed and abandoned and alone and discouraged. I don’t like being unstable. The worst part, of course, is that Matt isn’t here to help pull me out of my funk. I can’t imagine how much harder this would be for me if he had waited another 5 years to kill himself.

It’s so destabilizing to realize that I can do whatever I want – but I cannot make people change. I cannot guarantee my own safety from pain and hurt when I choose to trust people, no matter how trustworthy they seem to be. I don’t think this will keep me from choosing to trust people (because without love, what is there?), but it might be harder in the future. I don’t know.

Is it good for me to be complaining so much? Writing always helps me to understand better what’s happening in my head, but does it also help me to focus on negative things when I maybe shouldn’t be? I don’t know this either.

Ryan is planning on going to Texas here in a few weeks to work with Bill. He’s not sure how long he’ll be gone, but it’ll be a few months at the least. This is probably going to be good for me too because I won’t have Ryan to fall back on… I’ll have to actually work on developing new relationships and seeing old friends. I am not looking forward to this. Being around people who I don’t know very well tends to exhaust me (not always), and hanging out with Ryan has been so low-stress. But I need to stop expecting him to keep me company. I have to start finding other outlets.

I wish I could fast-forward to this time next year.

I’m missing Matt so much. I can’t put it into words. Went to the Brewhouse with Ryan tonight (2-4-1 Sundays) and after dropping him off at his mom’s, I am full of the emotions that come from having it hammered home that Matt is not here anymore. Going out is all well and good, but no one is here to keep me company, or comfort me, or anything. It hurts SO BADLY when I know that all I need to make me feel better is Matt hugging me, kissing my cheek. Four months ago this need would have been met. Easily.

And there’s nothing to do now except cry. I’m not about to go pick up boys at bars because I’m lonely – I know that won’t help. Because I want Matt back. I want someone who is going to be in love with me regardless of ANYTHING. It’s so…so……soooo fucking lonely when you go from having this need met all the time every day (on demand basically), to not having it met at all.

Sometimes the thought occurs to me that life isn’t going to get better. I remember all the effort I put into dating before meeting Matt, and how lucky I felt that I had FINALLY found someone amazing who was in love me (and I was in love with him). He was THE person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with – not the rest of HIS life like it turned out. And Matt was so much better than anyone I had ever dated. I know I won’t ever meet anyone like him again (which is one reason I love Ryan so much).

I just don’t know what to do sometimes. I don’t know how to cope. I’ve always tended to understate my situation, so when I tell myself that my husband killed himself less than 4 months ago, it sounds outrageous sometimes. So … instead of over-thinking the situation, I just DO. I don’t know what to do, so I do whatever comes most naturally – missing Matt all the time obviously, but being distracted from the pain. I don’t understand how he could have left me. He could have gotten a disability check for his depression, and he wouldn’t have had to go to work every day. I suspect that being too sick to go to work would have been worse for him though, probably.

Oh God, it hurts so badly.

Anyone want to read a blog entry from this day last year? I won’t post these often, but this was a very poignant entry.

Day 6
I feel like I’m in the middle of a battle for …my life, basically. And I’m completely unable to do anything about the outcome.

CAN’T SOMEBODY HELP?!?!?! PLEASE!!!!!!!? WE NEED HELP.

I’m so discouraged.

He says that he’s tried so hard all his life to make things better. He’s tried everything they tell you to do – make friends, stay active, eat right, think positive – all that. But nothing helps, he said. Something in his brain is missing. He’s not capable of getting better, he said. He’s weak and stupid, he said.

Can’t somebody help? What am I supposed to do?? I try to tell him that I think he’s strong and smart and capable of getting better, but he throws it in my face.

Please. Somebody help.

I don’t know why, but writing makes me feel better – even if I have nothing in particular to write about.

I’m feeling better this morning so far. I forced myself to get off my ass last night and go hang out with Ryan, and that ended up being a good decision. I think I’ve been spending far too much time alone in this last week.

Of course, I was feeling better this morning and then made the dumb decision to look through pictures of Matt on my phone, which made me want to go stick my head in a toilet or oven or something along those lines. Matt starts to feel so distant…so long ago…and then I look at recent pictures and am overwhelmed once more by everything that I’ve lost. Matt was probably the most selfish person I’ve ever met, and sometimes I still get mad at him for not only leaving me – but leaving his family and his friends too. What an asshole…a loveable, gentle, kind asshole. Oh God, I loved him so much.

I get discouraged sometimes because I feel like I should be able to “fix” this faster than I am. I know that’s BS, but I’ve always been so good at resolving my problems in the past. This one is a challenge, to put it as lightly as possible. The ups and downs are frustrating, though I’m thankful for the ups. The MOST frustrating thing is the fact that the person who I was going to spend the rest of my life with does not physically exist anymore, and I will never see him or talk to him or touch his face again. The knowledge that THIS COULD HAPPEN TO ANYONE is really messing with my head and I’m trying not to let it get me down. It is what it is. This is life. Everyone you know someday will die. Life is more complicated and confusing than I thought, though I’m trying to read the Tao lately which teaches that life is only complicated if you let it be.

Anyway. As much as my mind keeps spinning sometimes – spinning around the fact that Matt is gone and that I miss him so fucking dreadfully all the time – I am trying to ground myself in accepting love from other people and in keeping myself fairly occupied. I don’t like it, but it seems like the least stressful route. I don’t like it because it doesn’t “fix” anything, but my life has changed and my mind is changing and I need to be OK with that.

OK, I’m done rambling for the time. I’m thinking about going shopping on my lunch break – maybe that will help me forget about all those pictures of Matt. In the meantime…..

This weekend has been so-so. I woke up this morning feeling sad and lonely, even though Ryan was sleeping in the other room – it’s nowhere near the same. Ever since Friday (the 31st) I’ve just been missing Matt a whole lot. It doesn’t feel the same as before – I guess I understand and accept everything better, 3 months out. But I still miss my husband so, so, so much. It still hurts so much. I still break down crying – sobbing. I don’t wrestle with accepting Matt’s death anymore; I wrestle with learning to be single and living without the love of my life.

I also feel like I’m in the middle of a mini existential crisis too; on top of learning how to live my new life, I’m also trying to understand and wrap my head around LIFE. Life is NOT what I thought it was. Life can be a cruel joke at times, or a heartless and mocking lover. Life can also be the most beautiful thing in the world.

I have been clinging to the relationships that I have left, these last couple of months. In the last week or so, I haven’t been seeing as many people though. Ryan wasn’t around much last week, and I hung out with Cathy one evening but basically spent the rest of the time by myself. I was doing a lot of work on my bedroom during that time, so I wasn’t bored — but I was lonely. Funny…I never was all that lonely before meeting Matt. Sure, I felt it on occasion, but for the most part I was very happy being alone. I remember being nervous right after Matt moved in, because I wasn’t sure if I was going to get enough alone time (ha!). Living with Matt was like being in a beautiful dream – he was everything I needed (minus the mental illness I guess) and I was what he needed. Oh, I miss it so fucking much.

I feel so needy this morning, but I have no one to fill this need. I want to be loved. I want to be loved the way that Matt loved me. I know this isn’t going to happen again – or at least not any time soon – so I should try to focus on something else. Reminds me of that line in “Love Will Come To You” by the Indigo Girls — “Learn to pretend there’s more than love that matters.” I feel like that’s what I have to do.

So many people are so much worse-off than I am. I try to remember this without letting it make me feel like scum for being sorry for myself. Sadly, I was in a very good position to be single again. I’ve always been in charge of the finances, and pretty much everything was already in my name. I’m independent and used to not relying on anyone else – except for emotional support (which I’m re-learning to live without). I do need to work on excercising and eating habits, but otherwise I feel perfectly capable of being a single 30-year-old. I hate it, but am perfectly capable.

I remember complaining SO many times about how horrible it is when the only thing that you want is the only thing you cannot ever have. I haven’t felt that sentiment as strongly lately, but it has re-surfaced this weekend. I want to share my life with someone who I love, and who loves me. I want to share my bed with someone. I don’t want to be alone. But I know that I should’t try to pursue any romantic relationships in the near future at all, and it’s hard to just be in the present sometimes. It has become easier than it was, but it’s still hard. I know that I’m still very much grieving, and that it’s extremely important for me to put the time and effort into dealing appropriately with my grief, but sometimes it just feels like I’m not going anywhere.