Sometimes

I’m struck with the thought – how on earth am I doing this?? Which is to say… I have a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that you can love someone so much, but that will never stop them from being irrevocably gone after they die. Gone. Forever. It’s so, so heartbreaking. If you don’t see me crying, it’s not because I don’t.

This is why people believe in an afterlife. I completely understand.

Edit: I have a tendency to post stuff sometimes and then come back 30 minutes later realizing that I have more to say. Oops. But the more that I have to say right now is this – while Matt being gone continues to break my heart like every day, I’m so thankful for the capacity to feel grateful when other people are kind to me. Sometimes it just amazes me. I had planned to nap during my lunch break but ended up thinking about Matt instead, and when I got back to work Leslie handed me half of her pizza because she couldn’t finish it. Stephen volunteered to stop and grab Chinese for dinner yesterday so that we wouldn’t have to rush to get to the movie. Just little things that probably mean nothing to whoever is doing it can make me feel appreciated, and it’s nice. I feel silly thanking people sometimes for things that they obviously don’t think warrant such thanks. If I explained every time that whenever anyone does anything for me that indicates they were thinking about me, it means SO much. It means that I’m not alone, and that I still have love in my life.

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