Come to think of it, I used to journal all the time before meeting Matt. It was so amazing to meet someone who could (and was glad to) stand in place of a journal that my writing tapered way off. And now, here I am again, using my blog and my paper journal as sounding boards and confidants. It’s not as good, but it helps.

After work yesterday, I mowed the lawn which boosted my endorphins for a bit. I took a shower, and watched a little TV, then decided to get in bed and read. I wrote about the result of that last night, and when I woke up this morning my right eye was all swollen and funny-looking. I put on makeup and I don’t think anyone has noticed; if they did, I could play it off as allergies anyway.

So far I don’t feel better this morning, but I do feel different, and more courageous I guess. I have chosen to keep living my life to the best of my ability and that’s what I am going to continue to choose.

To that end, there are really some things that I should work on this week.

–> I need to clean out the garage (like, tonight)

–> I need to go through the house (garage, kitchen, bedroom, library, dining room) and find things to put in the yard sale this weekend

–> I need to start exercising on the regular. I could tell that mowing the lawn made me feel somewhat better yesterday, and that barely counts as exercise.

–> I should start cooking again. It’s depressing to cook for myself, but I can invite people over for dinner if I want to. I miss cooking (though not the cleanup, for sure). I made a strawberry cake last weekend, and cooked dinner with Cathy last week, and have been reminded that I really like working in the kitchen. It’s very gratifying. Also, I’ve been eating shit for the last several months and should stop it. I’m just afraid that if I go buy fresh vegetables, I won’t eat them and they’ll end up rotting in the refrigerator.

–> Along those same lines, I should figure out how I can bake without having to eat everything that I bake. I LOVE baking. But I also love eating baked goods, which is why I try to only bake for special occasions. I managed to only have one piece of that strawberry cake leftover, which was perfect. I have this vision of my kitchen as having cake stands full of muffins and cookies and cakes – arranged prettily and put under glass domes. But living by myself, I would be the only one to eat these baked goods. The problem with just giving them away is that I want to see them! Geez, so many problems…..

–> I really need to write thank you notes to everyone who gave me money after Matt died. I STILL have not done that. I think I read that it’s socially acceptable to wait several months before sending thank you notes for wedding gifts, so I can only imagine that the grace period after a funeral would be longer. But still…I should at least get started.

Anyway. Life is such an odd thing. Or, is my brain odd for finding life odd? I don’t know. I do want to find a new book to read though; does anyone have any suggestions? I’ve actually finished two books in the last week and want to start another one ASAP. Hm, Cathy suggested I re-read the Heart is a Lonely Hunter – I forgot about that. Maybe I’ll grab that when I’m home on my lunch break….

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I'm a young, childless widow who is trying to figure out the best way to deal with the world in light of my late husband's suicide. It's harder than I ever imagined it would be, but somehow at the same time I am still alive and even happy sometimes.

2 thoughts on “”

  1. In my view, life is so very, very strange. Getting adjusted to a current state of strangeness (bliss, agony…) is strange too.

    I’ve been thinking about Bridget Jones’s Diary in relation to you, lately, and you should consider picking it up if you’ve never read it…


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