It’s interesting to read entries from three, two, and even one months ago. It’s interesting because I have changed a lot in that period of time – which has felt like a year and not a mere 15 weeks. On the other hand, I still have the same issues sometimes. I still feel desperate and broken – just not constantly. I don’t even know what else to say about it (I feel like I’ve been gushing a bit much with the last several entries, anyway).

I’m going to a United Way meeting after work today. It’s an organization that helps in the community a lot – they focus on education, health, financial security, and that kind of stuff. I found out that they sponsor the Survivors of Suicide group that I’m going to next week, too. Someone at work sent out an email to see if anyone would be interested in going to this informational meeting tonight, and another coworker kind of persuaded me to go with her. She has a baby so we won’t be able to stay for the whole meeting (OK with me), but I’m interested in seeing what it’s all about. I’ve been toying with the idea of volunteering and being more involved in the community. So, so many people are much worse off than I am, and I also have a lot of free time lately.


I wonder where I’ll end up going in life. I have not been single without some kind of goal before – whether it be finishing school, or finding a boyfriend, I’ve just always had something to go towards. Right now I’m just trying to head towards healing, but thinking about the future isn’t quite as depressing as it used to be so I just wonder. Matt dying pretty much tore all of my long-term plans into pieces; there’s no way that I can buy property, build a house, and farm on my own. I don’t know. I guess I’m glad that I’m not very old yet (though I’ll be 30 here in a few months…).

I’ve been reading a lot lately. I read those two self-help grief books right after Matt died, and read a couple books of poetry cover-to-cover. I finished Childhood’s End last week, and finished Truth and Beauty a couple of days ago. I’m making good progress re-reading the Heart is a Lonely Hunter too, and I think I’m going to try to pick up Bridget Jones’s Diary the next time I’m a McKays.

I did not cook dinner last night (ended up hanging out with Ryan at his parents’ house, and had a delicious sandwich there…) – there’s not much food at my house right now anyway unless you could frozen soup and frozen poultry (a whole turkey AND a whole chicken). Though I’ve been craving sushi lately. Maybe I’ll have that for dinner tonight since that meeting will last until 7 or so anyway.

Sorry…I know this entry is kind of rambly and probably not too interesting. But oh well.

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I'm a young, childless widow who is trying to figure out the best way to deal with the world in light of my late husband's suicide. It's harder than I ever imagined it would be, but somehow at the same time I am still alive and even happy sometimes.

One thought on “fifteen”

  1. I’d like to have a farm too. Just live on my property one day. I think doing community service is wonderful. You are an amazing person! I don’t even think about doing things like that.


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