I don’t know why, but writing makes me feel better – even if I have nothing in particular to write about.
I’m feeling better this morning so far. I forced myself to get off my ass last night and go hang out with Ryan, and that ended up being a good decision. I think I’ve been spending far too much time alone in this last week.
Of course, I was feeling better this morning and then made the dumb decision to look through pictures of Matt on my phone, which made me want to go stick my head in a toilet or oven or something along those lines. Matt starts to feel so distant…so long ago…and then I look at recent pictures and am overwhelmed once more by everything that I’ve lost. Matt was probably the most selfish person I’ve ever met, and sometimes I still get mad at him for not only leaving me – but leaving his family and his friends too. What an asshole…a loveable, gentle, kind asshole. Oh God, I loved him so much.
I get discouraged sometimes because I feel like I should be able to “fix” this faster than I am. I know that’s BS, but I’ve always been so good at resolving my problems in the past. This one is a challenge, to put it as lightly as possible. The ups and downs are frustrating, though I’m thankful for the ups. The MOST frustrating thing is the fact that the person who I was going to spend the rest of my life with does not physically exist anymore, and I will never see him or talk to him or touch his face again. The knowledge that THIS COULD HAPPEN TO ANYONE is really messing with my head and I’m trying not to let it get me down. It is what it is. This is life. Everyone you know someday will die. Life is more complicated and confusing than I thought, though I’m trying to read the Tao lately which teaches that life is only complicated if you let it be.
Anyway. As much as my mind keeps spinning sometimes – spinning around the fact that Matt is gone and that I miss him so fucking dreadfully all the time – I am trying to ground myself in accepting love from other people and in keeping myself fairly occupied. I don’t like it, but it seems like the least stressful route. I don’t like it because it doesn’t “fix” anything, but my life has changed and my mind is changing and I need to be OK with that.
OK, I’m done rambling for the time. I’m thinking about going shopping on my lunch break – maybe that will help me forget about all those pictures of Matt. In the meantime…..