Come to think of it, I used to journal all the time before meeting Matt. It was so amazing to meet someone who could (and was glad to) stand in place of a journal that my writing tapered way off. And now, here I am again, using my blog and my paper journal as sounding boards and confidants. It’s not as good, but it helps.

After work yesterday, I mowed the lawn which boosted my endorphins for a bit. I took a shower, and watched a little TV, then decided to get in bed and read. I wrote about the result of that last night, and when I woke up this morning my right eye was all swollen and funny-looking. I put on makeup and I don’t think anyone has noticed; if they did, I could play it off as allergies anyway.

So far I don’t feel better this morning, but I do feel different, and more courageous I guess. I have chosen to keep living my life to the best of my ability and that’s what I am going to continue to choose.

To that end, there are really some things that I should work on this week.

–> I need to clean out the garage (like, tonight)

–> I need to go through the house (garage, kitchen, bedroom, library, dining room) and find things to put in the yard sale this weekend

–> I need to start exercising on the regular. I could tell that mowing the lawn made me feel somewhat better yesterday, and that barely counts as exercise.

–> I should start cooking again. It’s depressing to cook for myself, but I can invite people over for dinner if I want to. I miss cooking (though not the cleanup, for sure). I made a strawberry cake last weekend, and cooked dinner with Cathy last week, and have been reminded that I really like working in the kitchen. It’s very gratifying. Also, I’ve been eating shit for the last several months and should stop it. I’m just afraid that if I go buy fresh vegetables, I won’t eat them and they’ll end up rotting in the refrigerator.

–> Along those same lines, I should figure out how I can bake without having to eat everything that I bake. I LOVE baking. But I also love eating baked goods, which is why I try to only bake for special occasions. I managed to only have one piece of that strawberry cake leftover, which was perfect. I have this vision of my kitchen as having cake stands full of muffins and cookies and cakes – arranged prettily and put under glass domes. But living by myself, I would be the only one to eat these baked goods. The problem with just giving them away is that I want to see them! Geez, so many problems…..

–> I really need to write thank you notes to everyone who gave me money after Matt died. I STILL have not done that. I think I read that it’s socially acceptable to wait several months before sending thank you notes for wedding gifts, so I can only imagine that the grace period after a funeral would be longer. But still…I should at least get started.

Anyway. Life is such an odd thing. Or, is my brain odd for finding life odd? I don’t know. I do want to find a new book to read though; does anyone have any suggestions? I’ve actually finished two books in the last week and want to start another one ASAP. Hm, Cathy suggested I re-read the Heart is a Lonely Hunter – I forgot about that. Maybe I’ll grab that when I’m home on my lunch break….

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