This last week (or two) has been rough.
I have felt extremely lonely. People are getting on with their lives, as I am trying to do with mine (or at least I’m trying to figure out how to get on with it, while persuading myself that it’s a good idea and really my only option). I have been alone more in the last two weeks than I have been in the last 3.5 months, and I hate it. I know that I need to get used to it, but I still hate it. I hate that not only am I alone – a single unit – but also that I have to struggle to feel loved. I know that there is a fairly large group of people out there who love me, but it’s hard to feel it when I’m all alone.
I am full to overflowing of longing. This depth of emotion is not unexpected, but is conflicting and I just don’t know how to deal with it. I don’t know what to do with the longing that I have for Matt; the longing that I have for anyone to love me; the longing to feel like I’m doing anything worthwhile; the longing to be happy and at peace again.
I’m re-reading The Heart Is a Lonely Hunter and am a bit over half-way through. It’s such a good book, but it’s sad. So many people are lonely, just like I am. Why is it so hard for us to come together and help each other?
This rollercoaster ride of emotions is getting annoying. I think I’m getting dizzy. One week I’ll feel kinda happy and encouraged and hopeful and loved, and the next week I’ll feel depressed and abandoned and alone and discouraged. I don’t like being unstable. The worst part, of course, is that Matt isn’t here to help pull me out of my funk. I can’t imagine how much harder this would be for me if he had waited another 5 years to kill himself.
It’s so destabilizing to realize that I can do whatever I want – but I cannot make people change. I cannot guarantee my own safety from pain and hurt when I choose to trust people, no matter how trustworthy they seem to be. I don’t think this will keep me from choosing to trust people (because without love, what is there?), but it might be harder in the future. I don’t know.
Is it good for me to be complaining so much? Writing always helps me to understand better what’s happening in my head, but does it also help me to focus on negative things when I maybe shouldn’t be? I don’t know this either.
Ryan is planning on going to Texas here in a few weeks to work with Bill. He’s not sure how long he’ll be gone, but it’ll be a few months at the least. This is probably going to be good for me too because I won’t have Ryan to fall back on… I’ll have to actually work on developing new relationships and seeing old friends. I am not looking forward to this. Being around people who I don’t know very well tends to exhaust me (not always), and hanging out with Ryan has been so low-stress. But I need to stop expecting him to keep me company. I have to start finding other outlets.
I wish I could fast-forward to this time next year.