a jot —

just to say that I’m feeling really sad tonight, and I don’t have anyone to tell. it’s 11pm and there’s nothing to do but go to sleep.

not sure why it’s been a bad day, but I just finished a book by Ann Patchett about a beautiful friendship she had that lasted two decades before the friend OD’d and died. I read the last several chapters tonight and finished it maybe an hour ago. it was beautiful, and so sad. I’m sure it must have been excruciating to write at times, because 99% of the book focused on their friendship.

just makes me sad. my husband is gone…left me, essentially – though I know he didn’t see it that way. it’s hard to be understanding all the time…I’ve spent so much energy over the last year being understanding, and here I am now. forced to remember that Matt had an invisible disease that took his life.

I’m just so sad and lonely right now. I’m going to put on some dumb TV comedy to distract myself so that I can fall asleep.

I’ll feel better tomorrow. (but Matt’s never coming back.) here’s how people deal with this kind of grief — they just do. they don’t die.

Yes, another Monday.

This weekend has been so-so. I woke up this morning feeling sad and lonely, even though Ryan was sleeping in the other room – it’s nowhere near the same. Ever since Friday (the 31st) I’ve just been missing Matt a whole lot. It doesn’t feel the same as before – I guess I understand and accept everything better, 3 months out. But I still miss my husband so, so, so much. It still hurts so much. I still break down crying – sobbing. I don’t wrestle with accepting Matt’s death anymore; I wrestle with learning to be single and living without the love of my life.

I also feel like I’m in the middle of a mini existential crisis too; on top of learning how to live my new life, I’m also trying to understand and wrap my head around LIFE. Life is NOT what I thought it was. Life can be a cruel joke at times, or a heartless and mocking lover. Life can also be the most beautiful thing in the world.

I have been clinging to the relationships that I have left, these last couple of months. In the last week or so, I haven’t been seeing as many people though. Ryan wasn’t around much last week, and I hung out with Cathy one evening but basically spent the rest of the time by myself. I was doing a lot of work on my bedroom during that time, so I wasn’t bored — but I was lonely. Funny…I never was all that lonely before meeting Matt. Sure, I felt it on occasion, but for the most part I was very happy being alone. I remember being nervous right after Matt moved in, because I wasn’t sure if I was going to get enough alone time (ha!). Living with Matt was like being in a beautiful dream – he was everything I needed (minus the mental illness I guess) and I was what he needed. Oh, I miss it so fucking much.

I feel so needy this morning, but I have no one to fill this need. I want to be loved. I want to be loved the way that Matt loved me. I know this isn’t going to happen again – or at least not any time soon – so I should try to focus on something else. Reminds me of that line in “Love Will Come To You” by the Indigo Girls — “Learn to pretend there’s more than love that matters.” I feel like that’s what I have to do.

So many people are so much worse-off than I am. I try to remember this without letting it make me feel like scum for being sorry for myself. Sadly, I was in a very good position to be single again. I’ve always been in charge of the finances, and pretty much everything was already in my name. I’m independent and used to not relying on anyone else – except for emotional support (which I’m re-learning to live without). I do need to work on excercising and eating habits, but otherwise I feel perfectly capable of being a single 30-year-old. I hate it, but am perfectly capable.

I remember complaining SO many times about how horrible it is when the only thing that you want is the only thing you cannot ever have. I haven’t felt that sentiment as strongly lately, but it has re-surfaced this weekend. I want to share my life with someone who I love, and who loves me. I want to share my bed with someone. I don’t want to be alone. But I know that I should’t try to pursue any romantic relationships in the near future at all, and it’s hard to just be in the present sometimes. It has become easier than it was, but it’s still hard. I know that I’m still very much grieving, and that it’s extremely important for me to put the time and effort into dealing appropriately with my grief, but sometimes it just feels like I’m not going anywhere.