Category: losing matt

31

I’ve felt somewhat better this week – which is to say, I have cried MUCH less and felt much less desperate. I think both of those things are good. Activity-wise, I haven’t done all that much…saw Ani on Tuesday, got sushi last night with a friend, hung out with Katie last Saturday, but otherwise it’s been a pretty low-key week. I’m reading the Ender series and am almost finished with book #3 (Xenocide), and I was telling Katie last night that I haven’t been this immersed in a fictional world in a long time. I’d almost rather stay home and read than go hang out with people – there are obvious exceptions of course, but just hanging out at home reading is kind of awesome. Plus, reading counts as productivity – in my book anyway. Pun not exactly intended.

Oh, life is still not what I want it to be, but I have to keep reminding myself that it won’t be for a while probably.

I’m trying to decide whether I want to decorate my house for fall or not. I might do some, like switching out the spring blossoms in the living room with fall leaves or something. I haven’t thrown a brunch or a dinner party in a long time…so decorating seems kind of pointless. I’m thinking about doing a Christmas party (a semi-annual seasonal gathering, I mean) which will hopefully motivate me to decorate for Christmas some anyway. Probably won’t get a full tree again this year though. Too depressing. Even though Matt never helped with Christmas decorating anyway – though I did get him to go with me last year to at least get the tree.

Fuck, I miss him so much.

Is it good that I’m learning these life lessons so comparatively early? I have no idea. I hope so. I really miss having a husband to go home to every day though. I miss being able to text him little love notes all day long. I miss being able to get a hug whenever I need one. I miss Matt….so, so, so unbelievably much (at least, he probably wouldn’t believe it – I do though). Five days until our wedding anniversary; granted, I always considered Thanksgiving day as being our real anniversary because that was the day I finally decided that I wanted to be in a relationship with Matt (ha…only like a month after we met…). But our wedding day was such a happy one. *sigh*

So anyway. I’m trying to be positive. Yes. So I think I might work on cleaning the house today (when not reading, of course) and maybe pull out some of the fall decorations. I wonder if I should be thankful for that time Matt spent in the hospital last year – because I had to basically do what I’m doing now, except I could visit Matt and write him letters. But otherwise, I had to fend for myself. I don’t know.

30

Yesterday was not a happy day. I spent all day thinking about Matt – I exchanged several messages with Dawn (who I’ve mentioned here before – one of Matt’s oldest friends) which was really good but they were not happy messages. I’m glad that we could email so much because we both had stuff that we needed to get off of our chests, and it’s comforting for me to know that Dawn has in no way gotten over this yet (either). I’m sure lots of people haven’t, but no one else is talking to me about it, I guess.

You know, since Matt died, I have felt so much more free with regards to talking about my feelings and emotions, and I have felt more compelled than ever to make sure that people know that I love and appreciate them.

Anyway, on top of emailing Dawn yesterday I also commented on something on Reddit which ended up getting over 600 upvotes (definitely the best I’ve ever received).

So yeah. My productivity level has not increased much this week (yesterday was bad, like I said, and I used up a ton of Kleenex once I got home from work). I HAVE been making an effort to go to sleep on time, which improves my mood in the mornings. So that’s good. Also I haven’t been eating out quite as much. I need to start cooking at home again though – and not just frozen pizzas.

Friday the 13th

Arbitrary (though accurate) subject as do not care one bit whether it’s Friday the 13th or 12th or 14th.

I woke up this morning oh so comfortably; I went to bed on time last night and got plenty of sleep, and got up one snooze before I normally do. (Is a “snooze” an amount of time? In this case, it’s 9 minutes.) I was dreaming about Matt when I woke up, but it was a really odd dream. For some reason, we were hanging out with our friend Dawn; Matt had gone to put on warmer clothes or something, and when he got back I got on top of him and held his face in my hands and asked him why he left me. All I remember is Dawn saying that she would have let him instead of trying to keep him alive and miserable here, and then I think I got up and punched her in the face. (Dawn, I doubt you’re reading this, but if you are rest assured that I don’t really want to punch you in the face at all.)

It was a better dream than the ones I usually have about Matt, because I knew while I was dreaming that he was dead.

The drive to work this morning was gorgeous – beautiful weather, lovely temperature, and it’s starting to feel like fall. I wonder if every good thing (like fall) will be bittersweet for the rest of my life, because I will always regret that Matt isn’t here to share it with me. That’s how it is now.

Guys, I’m not whole. I’m telling this to myself though, because it’s easy to get distracted and have a few good weeks and then remember that I’m still broken. Someone shared a quote with me (they weren’t sure who said it) – “Face what I feel now, and what I felt before but didn’t have the resources to feel.” Progress. I’m making it. Slowly.

I AM making progress. I got a new phone recently and had to figure out how to save all my voicemail from my old phone – including several from Matt which I hadn’t listened to in a long time but never want to delete. I didn’t listen to all of them when I was transferring them to the computer, but I did hear several. Of course, I can still hear Matt’s voice in my head if I try – which I don’t, because it always makes me cry. So I was pleased that I was able to deal with hearing the voice messages again. Of course they made me cry, but I did it anyway.

There’s so much of Matt all over my house. I went into the library to play my guitar a little yesterday but didn’t even pick it up because I was too distracted/overwhelmed by Matt. I lost so, so much when he died. I didn’t lose my future, but I lost the only future that I wanted – one with him.

But then I was listening to NPR this morning and they were interviewing some Syrian refugees, and the refugees were talking about how they can’t go home – they have no home left because their villages have been bombed. And that made me remember that I am SO privileged. I’ve lost my husband and my most preferred future, but I still have my house, my cats, my job, my family, my friends. I don’t want to downplay my loss(es), but honestly, just remembering that these Syrian refugees are PEOPLE just like I and everyone I know are, living with the same desires that we are, I feel so thankful for what I do have.

Anyway. Enough blogging.

something obvious, like my husband is dead

should I refer to him as my “late husband”? that just sounds weird – much stranger than saying “ex husband” or even “first husband.” neither of which are applicable to me.

lately I’m having issues motivating myself to do anything. fuck being healthy. fuck not drinking or smoking. I don’t enjoy sitting around in a dirty house doing nothing, persay, but who the fuck cares about anything?

I’m not wallowing in depression or anything. this is more despondency…which might be worse. at least I’m going to work. people probably would still tell me to go easy on myself, even though it’s been over 6 months now. fuck. I feel un-centered. I feel spread thin. I want to devote all my energy to Matt, but I can’t. so I don’t know what to do with it. buy shit? get drunk with friends? fuck? I just fucking want Matt. I don’t fucking want anyone else. just Matt. fuck.

I have to remember that just because I feel this way doesn’t mean that I am losing ground. it means that I have come across a trigger or something, and that I am normal. doesn’t mean I’m back to square one, or two, or five, or ten. no matter how much I feel like nothing’s going to ever get better.

28

Have the weeks slowed down? Seems like 28 weeks isn’t a long enough period of time.

I’m still feeling like a little fish navagating a huge ocean, but I guess that’s kind of what’s going on so I shouldn’t feel bad about feeling this way. Makes it hard to be productive sometimes though. On Tuesday I started mowing the lawn and was going to TRY to get both front and back done, but wasn’t making myself any guarantees because I wasn’t feeling great (mostly just low-energy). Then Ryan showed up and decided to mow the whole front yard, so I went inside and washed the dishes. Clean kitchen AND short grass. It was good. Kitchen is still mostly clean….

Otherwise I haven’t been super productive. Lucille decided to spray all over my bed (because she’s a Seaward…or a c word…or whatever) so I had to wash that stuff, but that was out of necessity and I don’t really count it as productivity.

So I saw a Facebook post last night that I commented on. It was a whim and I wasn’t expecting any responses at all. I didn’t get too many, but I was kinda touched. Someone even said, “Thanks for these words, they gave me the force to keep up for today.” I’m not 100% sure what that means, but then my boss brought me this little quote from her Yogi tea bags that says “We are here to love each other, serve each other, and uplift each other.” (OK, addition of Oxford comma was mine.) Just another reminder that my life is one out of so very many, and we all have our own problems and concerns, and if I can help even a handful of people then I’ve done better than I could have.

Yep, aspiring to do better than nothing. 🙂 It’s the right direction for sure.

I really wish Matt was here so I could tell him all about what I’m learning from all this.

26…6months…Matt’s birthday

I probably shouldn’t be writing right now…being at work and feeling pretty emotional already. I would REALLY like to go home today. But it’s Thursday, which is typically my busiest day, and I think I should struggle through it. All I’m going to do at home is sleep and/or cry so I might as well be here making money.

But it’s going to be hard to force myself to be cheerful today.

This day last year, Matt was at Parthenon and I wasn’t even allowed to visit him on his birthday. So, I took him a copy of the Tao that I had re-bound in leather, along with a letter, and left it for him at the front desk. We talked on the phone at some point that day. It was a horrible birthday and I figured that this year would be better.

After work, some friends are meeting me at the Brewhouse for a couple of drinks – it seemed like an appropriate way to celebrate Matt’s birthday. I think that’s what we did on my birthday last year actually. 🙂 Right now, I’m not looking forward to it, but once I wake up and start feeling better (which I’m hoping will happen), I expect that to change. We’ll see.

Just complaining some more – so be forewarned!

I’ll try not to complain the WHOLE post.

My life is changing, and I am changing, but some things have not changed yet. For example, I find myself – every now and then – being energized by the freedom that comes with being single. There are good and bad things about every situation, and this is one of the good things. The bad part is that as I’m feeling good, I want to tell Matt about it. As I’m getting ready to pay off my loans, I want to tell Matt and thank him for making me be financially responsible – without him I would be so much deeper in the debt hole than I am.

I am excited about not having any more debt, but I so long for Matt to be here to celebrate with me. I had no idea how to handle my money before meeting him. Yes, I paid the bills and put together the budget and all that – but it was because Matt wanted us to be responsible. @#$%^&*#$%&$%*@&@!#%

Oh………..sigh…………..I miss him so damned much.

And my feelings of helplessness with regards to the situation will never go away, I’m sure. The thing I want most is for Matt to be here and to be happy, but I couldn’t make him happy (or at least keep him happy) while he was here, and I sure can’t do anything about it now. His birthday is two weeks from Thursday, and frankly, I’m scared. I just want to skip that day. I think I need to plan something for that evening so that I don’t spend the whole time in bed lying in a fetal position (which I can definitely see that happening otherwise).

Anyway.

So Lucille 2 has ear mites (hooray). I have some pain medicine and ear ointment to give her, and last night ALL she wanted to do was either sit on my lap or be held by me. And she slept on the bed next to me and Lucille 1 all night. She’s SO pitiful and adorable and sweet and sad!! I found myself wanting to stay home to take care of her, but it’s not like there’s much I can do anyway. I think the pain medicine kind of puts her out of it. Poor kitty. Oh, and she has the Cone of Shame on too, so that she doesn’t try to mess with her stitches, and that just compounds the pitifulness! Here’s a picture.

blog - lucille 2

So there’s your update.

Tuesday brings yet another brilliant title

I just don’t want to think about titling my entries this early in the morning. Or ever.

So it’s Tuesday morning. I’ve had a very bittersweet week so far. I am a single woman about to be 30 years old. I live by myself with my 3 cats. I have to be responsible for things like mowing my lawn (no one else is going to take care of it), and things like not over-eating or spending too much money. I have to look out for my best interest. You wouldn’t think that it would be such a difficult thing, but sometimes it is.

I had a good weekend, full of low-stress interactions with people who I like. Yesterday I came home from work and mowed the lawn, then straightened the house some. Changed my sheets, did a load of laundry. Had a sandwich and leftover mashed potatoes for dinner. Watched some TV. Read a little, cried when the mood struck me.

Why do I keep talking to Matt in the first person? Obviously he can’t hear me, and won’t ever hear me again. I know this…and sometimes I even talk to him inside my head – because that’s the only place that he’s still alive? I don’t know. How long will I feel the need to talk to him? How long should I keep his FB page up? You know, it’s been almost 5 months. They said that the initial shock lasts about 6 months generally, and then your life starts settling down again. Of course everyone’s grief is different. I don’t quite know what to expect. I just realized today that the 6 month mark is one day before Matt’s birthday.

I need to start working on being healthy. I know Matt would want that (…curse words…). I know it would make me happier and feel better. Hell, I feel better just after mowing the lawn yesterday, and it’s not like that was strenuous cardio or anything. I’ve been making an effort to eat better already but need to continue that. It’s harder when I’m just cooking for myself.

I have all these good intentions, but I am still so bad at following through sometimes. I don’t know how much of my lack of motivation is because of Matt, and how much is because of my general laziness. I feel like, as long as I’ve been single almost 5 months, that I should be able to organize and motivate myself to be better. And I guess I’m still making slow progress.

I so much want to become a better person because of all this bullshit. Do I act different? I know I feel different. I really, really want ANYthing positive that can come out of this. Yes, I have plenty of time to keep learning. Yes, I wish Matt was here too. I have to keep remembering how glad I am that he is not in such intense pain anymore. I wish there was a way he could see how much I miss him though, and feel loved.

Oh well.

Anyway, just needed to ramble a bit.

Twenty

Oh Matt, I miss you so much. I’m sorry you were in so much pain, and I’m sorry I couldn’t take it all away. I really, really wanted to. You were the most precious person in the world to me, and I can’t believe that I couldn’t save you.

It’s humbling to realize that so much is just out of my control.

Nineteen weeks in and I am still having to learn over and over again that being single is my new normal. I cannot be in another romantic relationship any time soon because I am still deeply, deeply missing MATT. It’s not just that I miss physical contact, having a companion, sex on demand, etc. It’s that I miss MATT. I still can’t believe that he’s never coming back – even though obviously I do believe it, have believed it, and realize that it couldn’t be any other way. It still shocks me anew though. I’m going to Knoxville this weekend and the only thing I want is for Matt to be alive to go with me.

But I MUST get used to being single. Matt had a disease and was in so much excruciating pain that he couldn’t deal with it anymore. It wasn’t my fault, and it wasn’t his fault. That doesn’t help me miss him any less, but it helps me be less angry and resentful. Matt loved me more than he had ever loved anyone else, and it was the same for me. It was so fucking special, and I was so fucking happy.

But I HAVE to be OK with being single. I have no other option. It’s not healthy for me to go around thinking about how much I wish I had someone to bring home with me and wake up next to me (unless it’s in mourning for Matt). I need to be content with what I have, and hope for more in the future, but re-learn how to be happy with what I have. I will always miss Matt, I know, but I do NOT need to be thinking about trying to fill his absence with anyone else right now.

It’s so hard. I feel like the ground has crumbled underneath me, and that it’s still crumbling. I need Matt to stabilize me (ironically). I need somebody to love me. I need Matt. I need Matt.