Just complaining some more – so be forewarned!

I’ll try not to complain the WHOLE post.

My life is changing, and I am changing, but some things have not changed yet. For example, I find myself – every now and then – being energized by the freedom that comes with being single. There are good and bad things about every situation, and this is one of the good things. The bad part is that as I’m feeling good, I want to tell Matt about it. As I’m getting ready to pay off my loans, I want to tell Matt and thank him for making me be financially responsible – without him I would be so much deeper in the debt hole than I am.

I am excited about not having any more debt, but I so long for Matt to be here to celebrate with me. I had no idea how to handle my money before meeting him. Yes, I paid the bills and put together the budget and all that – but it was because Matt wanted us to be responsible. @#$%^&*#$%&$%*@&@!#%

Oh………..sigh…………..I miss him so damned much.

And my feelings of helplessness with regards to the situation will never go away, I’m sure. The thing I want most is for Matt to be here and to be happy, but I couldn’t make him happy (or at least keep him happy) while he was here, and I sure can’t do anything about it now. His birthday is two weeks from Thursday, and frankly, I’m scared. I just want to skip that day. I think I need to plan something for that evening so that I don’t spend the whole time in bed lying in a fetal position (which I can definitely see that happening otherwise).


So Lucille 2 has ear mites (hooray). I have some pain medicine and ear ointment to give her, and last night ALL she wanted to do was either sit on my lap or be held by me. And she slept on the bed next to me and Lucille 1 all night. She’s SO pitiful and adorable and sweet and sad!! I found myself wanting to stay home to take care of her, but it’s not like there’s much I can do anyway. I think the pain medicine kind of puts her out of it. Poor kitty. Oh, and she has the Cone of Shame on too, so that she doesn’t try to mess with her stitches, and that just compounds the pitifulness! Here’s a picture.

blog - lucille 2

So there’s your update.

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I'm a young, childless widow who is trying to figure out the best way to deal with the world in light of my late husband's suicide. It's harder than I ever imagined it would be, but somehow at the same time I am still alive and even happy sometimes.

3 thoughts on “Just complaining some more – so be forewarned!”

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