Nineteen weeks in and I am still having to learn over and over again that being single is my new normal. I cannot be in another romantic relationship any time soon because I am still deeply, deeply missing MATT. It’s not just that I miss physical contact, having a companion, sex on demand, etc. It’s that I miss MATT. I still can’t believe that he’s never coming back – even though obviously I do believe it, have believed it, and realize that it couldn’t be any other way. It still shocks me anew though. I’m going to Knoxville this weekend and the only thing I want is for Matt to be alive to go with me.

But I MUST get used to being single. Matt had a disease and was in so much excruciating pain that he couldn’t deal with it anymore. It wasn’t my fault, and it wasn’t his fault. That doesn’t help me miss him any less, but it helps me be less angry and resentful. Matt loved me more than he had ever loved anyone else, and it was the same for me. It was so fucking special, and I was so fucking happy.

But I HAVE to be OK with being single. I have no other option. It’s not healthy for me to go around thinking about how much I wish I had someone to bring home with me and wake up next to me (unless it’s in mourning for Matt). I need to be content with what I have, and hope for more in the future, but re-learn how to be happy with what I have. I will always miss Matt, I know, but I do NOT need to be thinking about trying to fill his absence with anyone else right now.

It’s so hard. I feel like the ground has crumbled underneath me, and that it’s still crumbling. I need Matt to stabilize me (ironically). I need somebody to love me. I need Matt. I need Matt.

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I'm a young, childless widow who is trying to figure out the best way to deal with the world in light of my late husband's suicide. It's harder than I ever imagined it would be, but somehow at the same time I am still alive and even happy sometimes.

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