something obvious, like my husband is dead

should I refer to him as my “late husband”? that just sounds weird – much stranger than saying “ex husband” or even “first husband.” neither of which are applicable to me.

lately I’m having issues motivating myself to do anything. fuck being healthy. fuck not drinking or smoking. I don’t enjoy sitting around in a dirty house doing nothing, persay, but who the fuck cares about anything?

I’m not wallowing in depression or anything. this is more despondency…which might be worse. at least I’m going to work. people probably would still tell me to go easy on myself, even though it’s been over 6 months now. fuck. I feel un-centered. I feel spread thin. I want to devote all my energy to Matt, but I can’t. so I don’t know what to do with it. buy shit? get drunk with friends? fuck? I just fucking want Matt. I don’t fucking want anyone else. just Matt. fuck.

I have to remember that just because I feel this way doesn’t mean that I am losing ground. it means that I have come across a trigger or something, and that I am normal. doesn’t mean I’m back to square one, or two, or five, or ten. no matter how much I feel like nothing’s going to ever get better.

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I'm a young, childless widow who is trying to figure out the best way to deal with the world in light of my late husband's suicide. It's harder than I ever imagined it would be, but somehow at the same time I am still alive and even happy sometimes.

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