18 weeks, and a list of things on my mind

– This year is half-way over
– I’ve been single for over 4 months now
– One of my coworkers brought me flowers from her garden (gladiolas, black-eyed-susans) and they are so pretty
– I need to remember to bring home that meat in the fridge from yesterday…
– There will be no one waiting for me at home again today
– Matt will not be waiting for me at home today, or ever again
– I feel like a broken record a lot of the time lately
– I’m struggling with the Taoist idea that desires cause pain, and no desires bring peace
– I miss being loved by my late husband
– I’d like to bake some bread after work today (stocked up on sandwich fixings yesterday except bread)
– It’s hard for me to remember how much I enjoyed being single and independent before I met Matt, because I don’t enjoy it right now. Am I doing something wrong?
– Matt
– The struggle some days to do anything productive…sometimes I’m able to force myself to get up and do stuff (e.g. grocery shopping, cleaning the bathroom, sweeping the floor, washing dishes, cleaning litter boxes, contacting friends, mowing the lawn, going to a coffee shop – ANYTHING). Sometimes I am not successful in forcing myself to do stuff though. This is nothing new really – I had the same problem when Matt was around. But it seems worse now. I don’t have anyone sitting on the couch distracting me and justifying my laziness. And that makes it all the harder to do anything.
– July 4th is coming up. I used to spend my holidays being blissfully lazy with Matt, but being lazy alone is not blissful. Does anyone want to come over and lie in bed with me while we watch 1776? Sorry, the only VCR is in the bedroom. Maybe I can plan a cook-out. I hate that Matt won’t be there.
– Contentment
– This weekend – I have nothing planned and I probably should
– Work, which I ought to get back to

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I'm a young, childless widow who is trying to figure out the best way to deal with the world in light of my late husband's suicide. It's harder than I ever imagined it would be, but somehow at the same time I am still alive and even happy sometimes.

4 thoughts on “18 weeks, and a list of things on my mind”

  1. I have tried not having desires. It does not lead to peace. It leads to deadness of the soul.

    Come to Knoxville and be lazy all you want. Or cook with me. I love you.


    1. To me, it seems impossible and/or absolutely no fun to have no desires, so that’s not what I’m wrestling with. 🙂 I suspect that there’s wisdom in there somewhere though and I think it has a lot to do with being able to accept things in their time and let go of things peaceful in their time. Anyway. Philosophy is confusing.


  2. I’m working on July 4th 😦 otherwise I would definitely come hang out. Do you get friday off too? because I have friday off! Also, I feel the same way about doing things. Yesterday was a horrible day for me, and so I had a good long cry. Then, I decided to do the dishes that had been in the sink and clean up all the toys. I didn’t feel quite so bad afterwards. So, there is something to be said about making yourself doing things. Also, i’ve been sewing a lot lately, which makes me want to be with you.


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