I can’t believe how cruel it was for matt to kill himself after telling me repeatedly that he saw me as an extension of himself. How did he think this would affect me?? But then I remember that he did say it broke his heart to think of how it would hurt me. And I think that I must still have absolutely no inkling of the pain that he was in every day.

I miss him so, so, so much. Its a lovely Sunday morning and I’ve been lying in bed wishing matt was here. I had an image of him coming through the door, jumping on top of me, and how I would kiss him and try to touch every inch of his body with every inch of my body. I can’t believe heleft me to this. I can’t believe he was in such pain.

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I'm a young, childless widow who is trying to figure out the best way to deal with the world in light of my late husband's suicide. It's harder than I ever imagined it would be, but somehow at the same time I am still alive and even happy sometimes.

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