Category: grief

31

I’ve felt somewhat better this week – which is to say, I have cried MUCH less and felt much less desperate. I think both of those things are good. Activity-wise, I haven’t done all that much…saw Ani on Tuesday, got sushi last night with a friend, hung out with Katie last Saturday, but otherwise it’s been a pretty low-key week. I’m reading the Ender series and am almost finished with book #3 (Xenocide), and I was telling Katie last night that I haven’t been this immersed in a fictional world in a long time. I’d almost rather stay home and read than go hang out with people – there are obvious exceptions of course, but just hanging out at home reading is kind of awesome. Plus, reading counts as productivity – in my book anyway. Pun not exactly intended.

Oh, life is still not what I want it to be, but I have to keep reminding myself that it won’t be for a while probably.

I’m trying to decide whether I want to decorate my house for fall or not. I might do some, like switching out the spring blossoms in the living room with fall leaves or something. I haven’t thrown a brunch or a dinner party in a long time…so decorating seems kind of pointless. I’m thinking about doing a Christmas party (a semi-annual seasonal gathering, I mean) which will hopefully motivate me to decorate for Christmas some anyway. Probably won’t get a full tree again this year though. Too depressing. Even though Matt never helped with Christmas decorating anyway – though I did get him to go with me last year to at least get the tree.

Fuck, I miss him so much.

Is it good that I’m learning these life lessons so comparatively early? I have no idea. I hope so. I really miss having a husband to go home to every day though. I miss being able to text him little love notes all day long. I miss being able to get a hug whenever I need one. I miss Matt….so, so, so unbelievably much (at least, he probably wouldn’t believe it – I do though). Five days until our wedding anniversary; granted, I always considered Thanksgiving day as being our real anniversary because that was the day I finally decided that I wanted to be in a relationship with Matt (ha…only like a month after we met…). But our wedding day was such a happy one. *sigh*

So anyway. I’m trying to be positive. Yes. So I think I might work on cleaning the house today (when not reading, of course) and maybe pull out some of the fall decorations. I wonder if I should be thankful for that time Matt spent in the hospital last year – because I had to basically do what I’m doing now, except I could visit Matt and write him letters. But otherwise, I had to fend for myself. I don’t know.

30

Yesterday was not a happy day. I spent all day thinking about Matt – I exchanged several messages with Dawn (who I’ve mentioned here before – one of Matt’s oldest friends) which was really good but they were not happy messages. I’m glad that we could email so much because we both had stuff that we needed to get off of our chests, and it’s comforting for me to know that Dawn has in no way gotten over this yet (either). I’m sure lots of people haven’t, but no one else is talking to me about it, I guess.

You know, since Matt died, I have felt so much more free with regards to talking about my feelings and emotions, and I have felt more compelled than ever to make sure that people know that I love and appreciate them.

Anyway, on top of emailing Dawn yesterday I also commented on something on Reddit which ended up getting over 600 upvotes (definitely the best I’ve ever received).

So yeah. My productivity level has not increased much this week (yesterday was bad, like I said, and I used up a ton of Kleenex once I got home from work). I HAVE been making an effort to go to sleep on time, which improves my mood in the mornings. So that’s good. Also I haven’t been eating out quite as much. I need to start cooking at home again though – and not just frozen pizzas.

another one?!

At this rate, I’m going to have nothing to say tomorrow.

I don’t know why I’ve felt the need to write so much this week. I guess maybe my brain has been throwing me off this week and writing helps me to organize and understand.

They’re having some electrical work done in the office, and today I saw one of the electricians doing exactly what Matt used to do – standing on top of a ladder and moving his body around to fit into the hole in the ceiling while being able to reach the wires he was pulling through. Not a big deal – just some guy doing his job. But it’s little things like this that I’m not prepared for – they feel like a stab through the heart, or something equally painful and unappealing. I don’t like having to hide the way I feel.

After 6 months (7 months on Saturday), I had hoped that things would be better. And they are…….but they aren’t THAT much better. Lately, all I want to do is be with people who knew and loved Matt. I haven’t been reaching out to any of them though, so I’ve been mostly hanging out at home instead. I don’t know that being around people who loved Matt would help anyway, since what I REALLY want is Matt. *sigh*

My anniversary is in 13 days. The holidays are coming up. Can I please just fast-foward through the next 5 months?

Friday the 13th

Arbitrary (though accurate) subject as do not care one bit whether it’s Friday the 13th or 12th or 14th.

I woke up this morning oh so comfortably; I went to bed on time last night and got plenty of sleep, and got up one snooze before I normally do. (Is a “snooze” an amount of time? In this case, it’s 9 minutes.) I was dreaming about Matt when I woke up, but it was a really odd dream. For some reason, we were hanging out with our friend Dawn; Matt had gone to put on warmer clothes or something, and when he got back I got on top of him and held his face in my hands and asked him why he left me. All I remember is Dawn saying that she would have let him instead of trying to keep him alive and miserable here, and then I think I got up and punched her in the face. (Dawn, I doubt you’re reading this, but if you are rest assured that I don’t really want to punch you in the face at all.)

It was a better dream than the ones I usually have about Matt, because I knew while I was dreaming that he was dead.

The drive to work this morning was gorgeous – beautiful weather, lovely temperature, and it’s starting to feel like fall. I wonder if every good thing (like fall) will be bittersweet for the rest of my life, because I will always regret that Matt isn’t here to share it with me. That’s how it is now.

Guys, I’m not whole. I’m telling this to myself though, because it’s easy to get distracted and have a few good weeks and then remember that I’m still broken. Someone shared a quote with me (they weren’t sure who said it) – “Face what I feel now, and what I felt before but didn’t have the resources to feel.” Progress. I’m making it. Slowly.

I AM making progress. I got a new phone recently and had to figure out how to save all my voicemail from my old phone – including several from Matt which I hadn’t listened to in a long time but never want to delete. I didn’t listen to all of them when I was transferring them to the computer, but I did hear several. Of course, I can still hear Matt’s voice in my head if I try – which I don’t, because it always makes me cry. So I was pleased that I was able to deal with hearing the voice messages again. Of course they made me cry, but I did it anyway.

There’s so much of Matt all over my house. I went into the library to play my guitar a little yesterday but didn’t even pick it up because I was too distracted/overwhelmed by Matt. I lost so, so much when he died. I didn’t lose my future, but I lost the only future that I wanted – one with him.

But then I was listening to NPR this morning and they were interviewing some Syrian refugees, and the refugees were talking about how they can’t go home – they have no home left because their villages have been bombed. And that made me remember that I am SO privileged. I’ve lost my husband and my most preferred future, but I still have my house, my cats, my job, my family, my friends. I don’t want to downplay my loss(es), but honestly, just remembering that these Syrian refugees are PEOPLE just like I and everyone I know are, living with the same desires that we are, I feel so thankful for what I do have.

Anyway. Enough blogging.

again

like an hour after my earlier post, I’m too lazy to go in and edit that one – so new post.

I went to the Alliance of Hope forum (for survivors of suicide), which I hadn’t visited in a while. I went because I wanted to know if I’m trying to put too much pressure on myself to heal and be productive and active and happy, or if it’s OK for me to be this despondent 29 weeks in. the consensus seems to be that 6 months is practically nothing and that it’s still OK for me to not be “better.” makes me feel more better than worse, just to know that I’m still behaving normally.

I miss Matt so much. I miss having Matt to love me and be committed to me – the way that married people are committed. I want to text him and tell him that I’m depressed and need him to come hug me and tell me that I’m pretty and smart and his love. I’m crying more at work this morning than possibly ever before. so far no one has noticed though – this is the good thing about working in a cubicle. what would be our 3 year wedding anniversary is coming up in a couple of weeks – another day to dread. I don’t know if taking that day off work would be a good idea or a horrible, terrible idea.

everyone’s lives are all back to normal and everything, I know. maybe the Ralstons’ lives not so much – I don’t know. it’s hard to reach out to people when you’re depressed but need company. I don’t want to hang out with friends and just be moody all evening. the despondency doesn’t lend itself to being proactive anyway. I’m so thankful for my friends (like Katie and Cathy) who still reach out to me even when I don’t reach out to them as much – THANK YOU. I feel like I should be capable of telling people when I need them, but it’s always been a problem for me and when I feel like this it’s practically impossible. at least I still have two friends (sorry, I know that’s super melodramatic).

29

It’s been one of those weeks. Actually, last week was a little like this, too. For whatever reason (I think there are several at play) Matt keeps popping into my head; I’ll be driving along and suddenly – without seeming provocation – I miss him dreadfully. Or I’ll be sitting at my desk at work. Or hanging out with friends.

One reason that I’ve been more depressed this week is that I haven’t been forcing myself to be productive as much. Lazy as I am, productivity inevitably makes me feel better. I know, I shouldn’t be so lazy. But it’s so hard to make myself do stuff sometimes….

I really, really, really fucking miss Matt. It’s been over six months but I am not a whole person again yet – or at least I sure don’t feel like it. I know healing takes a long time…and I’m starting to be able to attest to that personally.

I could probably write more, but it wouldn’t be positive and I try not to be too negative at work.

28

Have the weeks slowed down? Seems like 28 weeks isn’t a long enough period of time.

I’m still feeling like a little fish navagating a huge ocean, but I guess that’s kind of what’s going on so I shouldn’t feel bad about feeling this way. Makes it hard to be productive sometimes though. On Tuesday I started mowing the lawn and was going to TRY to get both front and back done, but wasn’t making myself any guarantees because I wasn’t feeling great (mostly just low-energy). Then Ryan showed up and decided to mow the whole front yard, so I went inside and washed the dishes. Clean kitchen AND short grass. It was good. Kitchen is still mostly clean….

Otherwise I haven’t been super productive. Lucille decided to spray all over my bed (because she’s a Seaward…or a c word…or whatever) so I had to wash that stuff, but that was out of necessity and I don’t really count it as productivity.

So I saw a Facebook post last night that I commented on. It was a whim and I wasn’t expecting any responses at all. I didn’t get too many, but I was kinda touched. Someone even said, “Thanks for these words, they gave me the force to keep up for today.” I’m not 100% sure what that means, but then my boss brought me this little quote from her Yogi tea bags that says “We are here to love each other, serve each other, and uplift each other.” (OK, addition of Oxford comma was mine.) Just another reminder that my life is one out of so very many, and we all have our own problems and concerns, and if I can help even a handful of people then I’ve done better than I could have.

Yep, aspiring to do better than nothing. 🙂 It’s the right direction for sure.

I really wish Matt was here so I could tell him all about what I’m learning from all this.

26…6months…Matt’s birthday

I probably shouldn’t be writing right now…being at work and feeling pretty emotional already. I would REALLY like to go home today. But it’s Thursday, which is typically my busiest day, and I think I should struggle through it. All I’m going to do at home is sleep and/or cry so I might as well be here making money.

But it’s going to be hard to force myself to be cheerful today.

This day last year, Matt was at Parthenon and I wasn’t even allowed to visit him on his birthday. So, I took him a copy of the Tao that I had re-bound in leather, along with a letter, and left it for him at the front desk. We talked on the phone at some point that day. It was a horrible birthday and I figured that this year would be better.

After work, some friends are meeting me at the Brewhouse for a couple of drinks – it seemed like an appropriate way to celebrate Matt’s birthday. I think that’s what we did on my birthday last year actually. 🙂 Right now, I’m not looking forward to it, but once I wake up and start feeling better (which I’m hoping will happen), I expect that to change. We’ll see.

Standing outside watching the clouds drift across the moon, I’m reminded that my pain is a drop hin the bucket of human suffering. And somehow it’s comforting to know that I can accept this pain as a part of my life and still move on.

24

Two weeks away from the 6 month mark.

I feel like I’ve blogged enough this week to give everyone a general idea of my current mental state. It’s been a better week so far than last week, though there have been bad moments too. Can’t complain too much though.

So it’s going to sound absurd, but sometimes I feel guilty for not letting myself feel guilty. You know? I am completely debt-free now – the only bills I have now are for services that I use every month. This isn’t making me nearly as happy as I always imagined that I would be once I paid off my loans, but I’m not letting myself feel guilty. The guilt is irrational and Matt would disapprove. But it reminds me of that one post from maybe 4 or 5 months ago where I just kept saying that I don’t want to let go. But I have to let go. But I don’t want to let go. I’m not in that place to the extent that I was before, but I still feel it.

Everything that everyone has told me about grieving has been true so far. Time has helped. The good days are more frequent and the bad days less frequent, though the intensity with which I miss Matt has not diminished. I still cry as loudly as I did that first week – just not as often.

I’ve been feeling very fortunate this week. I’m not going to say that it takes something bad happening for you to realize how good you have it, because I knew I had it good before. But the perspective is interesting.