Two weeks away from the 6 month mark.

I feel like I’ve blogged enough this week to give everyone a general idea of my current mental state. It’s been a better week so far than last week, though there have been bad moments too. Can’t complain too much though.

So it’s going to sound absurd, but sometimes I feel guilty for not letting myself feel guilty. You know? I am completely debt-free now – the only bills I have now are for services that I use every month. This isn’t making me nearly as happy as I always imagined that I would be once I paid off my loans, but I’m not letting myself feel guilty. The guilt is irrational and Matt would disapprove. But it reminds me of that one post from maybe 4 or 5 months ago where I just kept saying that I don’t want to let go. But I have to let go. But I don’t want to let go. I’m not in that place to the extent that I was before, but I still feel it.

Everything that everyone has told me about grieving has been true so far. Time has helped. The good days are more frequent and the bad days less frequent, though the intensity with which I miss Matt has not diminished. I still cry as loudly as I did that first week – just not as often.

I’ve been feeling very fortunate this week. I’m not going to say that it takes something bad happening for you to realize how good you have it, because I knew I had it good before. But the perspective is interesting.

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I'm a young, childless widow who is trying to figure out the best way to deal with the world in light of my late husband's suicide. It's harder than I ever imagined it would be, but somehow at the same time I am still alive and even happy sometimes.

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