again

like an hour after my earlier post, I’m too lazy to go in and edit that one – so new post.

I went to the Alliance of Hope forum (for survivors of suicide), which I hadn’t visited in a while. I went because I wanted to know if I’m trying to put too much pressure on myself to heal and be productive and active and happy, or if it’s OK for me to be this despondent 29 weeks in. the consensus seems to be that 6 months is practically nothing and that it’s still OK for me to not be “better.” makes me feel more better than worse, just to know that I’m still behaving normally.

I miss Matt so much. I miss having Matt to love me and be committed to me – the way that married people are committed. I want to text him and tell him that I’m depressed and need him to come hug me and tell me that I’m pretty and smart and his love. I’m crying more at work this morning than possibly ever before. so far no one has noticed though – this is the good thing about working in a cubicle. what would be our 3 year wedding anniversary is coming up in a couple of weeks – another day to dread. I don’t know if taking that day off work would be a good idea or a horrible, terrible idea.

everyone’s lives are all back to normal and everything, I know. maybe the Ralstons’ lives not so much – I don’t know. it’s hard to reach out to people when you’re depressed but need company. I don’t want to hang out with friends and just be moody all evening. the despondency doesn’t lend itself to being proactive anyway. I’m so thankful for my friends (like Katie and Cathy) who still reach out to me even when I don’t reach out to them as much – THANK YOU. I feel like I should be capable of telling people when I need them, but it’s always been a problem for me and when I feel like this it’s practically impossible. at least I still have two friends (sorry, I know that’s super melodramatic).