Third Friday night alone

He’s not feeling any better today. He asked me if I will cry a lot when he kills himself. He told me that I never should have taken him to the hospital. He told me that if I had just left him alone, it would have reduced my grief (since now I’ll have to deal with this again when he does die, was his implication).

He did call me tonight to tell me goodnight. I’m not sure what to take from that, but I want to believe that it’s a good thing.

I’m trying to be hopeful and look forward to his second and third treatments on Monday and Wednesday. I feel like I’m trying so hard to be as encouraging and positive and loving as I can, but it’s not making any difference. It’s upsetting.

I spent some time with his brother last night, who is also missing his spouse – but his situation is a divorce. He said that I should be angry at my husband for treating me like this. I agree that I don’t deserve to be treated like this; I think I do a pretty fair job of being the kind of wife I would want to have. I’m not angry at him… at least as long as he is not talking about how he still is planning to kill himself. Tonight after seeing him, I did want to hit something. I don’t understand how he could feel that way. It’s offensive. It’s like a slap in the face, only much worse.

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I'm a young, childless widow who is trying to figure out the best way to deal with the world in light of my late husband's suicide. It's harder than I ever imagined it would be, but somehow at the same time I am still alive and even happy sometimes.

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