Day 8

It’s been over a week now that he’s been in the hospital.  I feel so terrible for him – I know he hates being there about as much as I hate him being there.  Ultimately, I’m sure he hates it more.  I’m very proud of him though, for signing himself in voluntarily – apparently you have to go to court if you are in a hospital involuntarily.  To avoid that, he signed himself in.  

His doctor mentioned the possibility of doing ECT treatments.  ECT stands for Electroconvulsive Therapy (or something very close to that anyway), and can apparently be very effective in chronic depressive cases where the patient is unresponsive to medication.  As my husband is.  He and I are both open to trying this procedure (procedures), so far.  It can cause memory loss, which I didn’t get the chance to talk to him about tonight (I was not his only visitor), but I’ll ask him about it tomorrow.  He prides his intelligence and it’s one of the reasons that I love him (though all the other reasons put together overshadow it, of course), and I would hate to see him lose any of that functionality.  I’m curious to see what he’s thinking about it though.

Today’s visit was kind of impersonal; as I mentioned above, I was not his only visitor.  Two of our friends also came to see him tonight, to play a strategy game together.  I got about 30 seconds alone with him (probably more like 2 minutes, actually) and that wasn’t long enough to do much more than tell him how much I love him and kiss him a few times.  I should get to spend more time with him tomorrow, though.  I’m looking forward to it.

I miss him so, so, so……………………..(sigh)……………………….so much.  There’s no one else who I really want to spend time with right now other than him.  I think of things that I’d like to do… and he’s the one who I want to do them with – not other friends or family members.  This is why I married him – because I like him best and want to spend the rest of my life doing things and living life with him.  

I wish he could feel how much I love him.  It is immense.   

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I'm a young, childless widow who is trying to figure out the best way to deal with the world in light of my late husband's suicide. It's harder than I ever imagined it would be, but somehow at the same time I am still alive and even happy sometimes.

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