the blorst of times

things aren’t going so great. most of you know what’s up, but I’m not going to go into it here anyway. suffice it to say that things aren’t so great. in fact, you might even say that they’re pretty bad.

but I’m hopeful, most of the time, and plan to be productive in the coming days. not sure that it will happen today. I guess that’s the thing with productivity, though – planning doesn’t do any good. just doing it is what gets it done. meh. the dishes haven’t gone anywhere so far. they’ll be dirty tomorrow too.

I need to water my orchids. and fold the clean laundry. and the rest of the clean laundry on my bed. and put it away. and do more laundry. and mow the lawn. and clean the house. and stop eating fast food. and put away the stuff I bought at Goodwill on Sunday. and get some exercise.

I’ll get it done. most of it. soonish.

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Day 4, part 2

 

So I spoke with his social worker today during my lunch break. Two things that I gleaned from that conversation: 1) that he is still suicidal and they are concerned about him, and 2) that they know he’s still planning on killing himself after he’s discharged. The latter makes me more confident that he won’t be released within the week, like he said yesterday. At this point, they can keep him in as long as they need to – I do not want to go through another day like May 31 2012.

And so I continue to have mixed feelings about his whole situation. Mostly the feelings are of a bad nature (sad, hurt, worried, afraid, etc), but I am very glad that he’s not dead, and I’m glad that he’s addressing this problem instead of continuing to ignore it. I suppose I should say that I’m glad he’sgoing to be addressing this, since I’m sure that he’s still trying his hardest to ignore it. Why bother addressing your problems if you’re going to be dead soon?

Obviously I’m still very worried and hurt and lonely. I’m getting more accustomed to the probability that I’ll be living by myself for a while yet, though. I haven’t been crying as much (still some). I don’t feel hopelessly depressed, and I think I might be able to start cleaning the house and being productive without having to collapse under the sobs of missing him so much. Soon, anyway.

day 4

I’m not sure if this is a bad thing or not, but this is all that I can think about.

Yesterday I had to wait about 15 minutes after visiting hours started because he had gone for a swim and wasn’t back yet. When he got back, he acted normal enough – but when I asked him if it was still his plan to kill himself when he got out, he said that he wouldn’t tell me. And then when I accused him of meaning “yes,” he said “no” with a smile on his face.

Which obviously means that it’s still his plan – or at least that he wants me to think it is.

He also said that on Sunday, his doctor estimated that he would be released in about a week. That scares me. Even though people keep telling me that it’s hard for the patients to fool the doctors, I have a lot of confidence in my husband’s ability to act. A lot of confidence. And I am skeptical of them finding the perfect drug for him – especially within a week or ten days. I don’t know if they’re spending time talking to him, but I have doubts that their efforts will be fruitful. My husband is very stubborn and doesn’t like to feel helpless or out of control, and in those situations he will do whatever he can to get out of the situation.

I guess the ultimate act of control is killing yourself, isn’t it? Even though it’s also the ultimate surrender to your problems. How can it be both?